12/23/2024
Starting over - After Narcissistic Abuse
A man named Nick quoted in the most simplistic precise and spot on way, how it feels to while living the trauma of Narcissistic abuse.
“Only way to spot a true narcissist is to be intimately involved with them as a friend, or lover or someone you communicate with regularly. You don't spot a narcissist by reading a 3 sentence post or comment. There's no way. It's a pattern that develops, it's how they use your words against you, it's how they physically use you in general. It's how "they're always right" even when you know they're morally wrong. It's how "everything is theres" & nothing is yours" you find yourself only a small unworthy person living beneath their shadow of lies they convince you & everyone around are truths, all while you know the real truth but are too weak in backbone or emotional strength to really speak out. It's really friekin sad.”
Here’s my story:
I had a beautiful day as an anniversary/Valentine’s Day, atop a beautiful mountain and a log building. My. Hood Lodge. Cold, sunny, dressed perfectly. A beautiful dinner, he never let my wine glass empty. He started a fire in our room, didn’t open the flu, set off all the alarms. We never made it to the hot tub- he was too embarrassed from filling the upstairs of the hotel with smoke! He wouldn’t listen to me. Lol. It was a Good thing though- I had enough wine. I fell asleep. Until 4 am when I was awakened to being called a c**t, a worthless lazy piece of s**t, fu***ng w***e. He said there was no way that I could truly love him being that I didn’t give him my phone charger without thinking about it. (?????) That I was manipulative, told me to hurry up, get up, he was packed , walking out the door screaming obscenities at me- neighboring doors opened- he didn’t notice or didn’t care. Across the hall - a man came to see if I was okay. I was completely in shock, broken, hurt, confused, angry, in unbelief. He woke others up. All because - HE forgot his charger for his phone.He never took responsibility for that. It was MY fault. (Yet we must remember, it’s not his responsibility to remember my needs, and when I came home from the hospital after breast surgery and augmentation from cancer, he promised he would put dishes on the counter so I wouldn’t have to raise my arms and he would prepare food, because I was so medicated- but never did. He did stop off after work and buy himself dinner and would sit and eat it in front of me saying- I didn’t know what you wanted…as I’m thinking- you couldn’t call me-) none the less- no matter what took place- he never took responsibility for his own actions. Never once did he try to meet in the middle. But I was tasked with jumping hoops to make/keep him happy, including trying to remember to keep my mouth closed while I sleep because - we all know with Asthma, that’s so easy to do. -and he didn’t know how to roll over? Oh I got punished for that too. (Fyi/ the cancer was found out one month after that mt hood trip- I was out of his house 8 months later) Back to the phone charger. (Rabbit trail there or what I like to refer to as “Squirrel”) he needs to listen to ocean sounds or a tv sitcom all night to sleep. Poor man needs a night light on as well. He knows what he needs to sleep, no different than me needing my meds each day and night. I am responsible for me. I asked him if he had everything he needed and he said yes. He should have double and triple checked his things like I did mine. But he didn’t. My phone that night did not get charged. I passed out. He took a nap pouting on the couch (after the fire place incident- )It took me 20 minutes to find my phone chord after he left the room that morning. (No I did not take my meds that night- to much wine- not safe and ruins the efficacy of the meds) I have never put my phone chord in my coat pocket before- but I did that night. He took the keys- turned them in to the office, and left. He sorta hydroplaned his truck. And he sat out in the cold till 7:30 am(3 hours) the only other time I cried that hard, though this wasn’t as hard, was when I had to put my dog down- my best friend, my Grizzly, that dog loved me and never left my side ever from the day I rescued him till the day I put him down- those tears were pain. That’s what Troy did my heart that day. Troy shredded my heart to pieces that day, after really beginning to build something special - I thought. He called me at 7:30 am(but how- he didn’t have his charger, his phone was dead- maybe he bought one at the lobby??? Should have done that the night before.- He began snapping at me Telling me that If I didn’t get down to the truck immediately he was leaving.
Doesn’t matter. The point is: It showed me immediately (and it was the final straw, the decision maker) who I was to him, what he really felt for me the entire time we were together and that I will never ever be someone he truly loved or even really cared for. It showed me he was not capable of love and all his actions (which he said - showed me how much he loved me-) was the only honest thing about him. Because his actions told me daily how much he did not care one damn but about me.
He nearly drained all the love, hope and passion I ever had inside of me, right out. He used me- and sadly I let him unknowingly. To blinded by the love I knew we “could” have.
Oh there was, so much more. I started planning that day to leave him. Literally.
10 days later- he came in to my room, (cuz he wouldn’t allow me to sleep with him anymore, we hadn’t slept together in many months) and said “I’ve never ever done that to anyone. I can’t believe I could say such hurtful things. I really can’t believe I did that to you”!
Do you see an apology? Once again it was all about him. He didn’t take responsibility for his anger/outburst/cruelty. He didn’t take responsibility for how it made me feel, how badly he shredded my heart that morning. He didn’t take responsibility for anything. He just couldn’t believe he could do that. Should I have given him a brownie sticker!!!! Just because he noticed the new thing he could do?!!! woohoo, tear others down- it’s your new charm!
Women who do this to good men are just as bad as the men are that do this to good women.
But it’s how they feed their ego and get their supply- we are so good and so happy- so positive. They want all of that, they take that and they drain us till we have nothing left, but somehow as we continue to give, we aren’t watching how they “aren’t” reciprocating the giving. They aren’t supplying us with the attention or affection or kindness or compassion or love that we need. They don’t give in return. They can’t. They don’t know how.
You see- the problem is, that somewhere in their childhood, they were hit with some kind of trauma. That trauma stopped the amygdala, the part of the brain that shows empathy, from growing. In my case, after listening to all of Troy‘s traumas, I realized that Troy’s trauma happened when he was much younger, when his loving mother, so nicely told him that she never wanted him, that she always wanted to abort him, and the only reason she didn’t, is because his dad wouldn’t let her. Troy always felt neglected and like a second fiddle to his younger brother who always got more attention. And he was right. His entire life has been spent trying to please his dad and his mom and get their attention always putting them first above all the good that he did have in front of him. He lost his first fiancé. he lost his wife. And he lost me.
Once the amygdala stops growing empathy just doesn’t grow either and the brain can’t understand what empathy is. They only have their ego which constantly needs to be fed. There is no way to change this. There’s no way to cure this. Which is very sad. On very, very rare occasions. Some people have said that they understand they have a problem And they are in constant counseling and working diligently daily to fake empathy because they choose to be kinder. Because they choose to not make the people around them miserable. It’s not easy for them and it is extremely rare. Again, in my case he doesn’t see himself having a problem. He will never change. He refused to go to counseling and stated that his wife wouldn’t go to counseling and that’s why they ended. I’m sure now- she said couples, he said no- or he schmoozed the counselor.
Here’s One more- He was kinda seeing a gal before he met me,only for a couple months according to him, but broke it off. (he chased me for 3 months before I would go on a date with him. Didn’t have sexual contact for another 3 months.)
Well, Apparently he did not brake it off! come to find out a year later- that’s those “come home late after work - stopped and had dinner by myself -evenings.” Maybe that’s when they were seeing each other. I’m not positive- but could be. I got up early one morning and he was on the phone talking. Didn’t look serious. He smiled at me. I said “good morning Honey, can I get you some coffee?” He nodded. Well - apparently that upset Miss Laura- a school teacher- the gal on the phone. He had told me she was gross, but a decent friend, had no interest in her what so ever. Hmm- Miss Laura was so upset to hear a woman asking him about coffee while she was on the phone with him. So bad, that she hung up and sent a text 20 x’s longer than this read. To top it off, her dad had just passed. Weirder yet- he let me read it. He Acted like there was nothing in the text and couldn’t believe this girl would be so upset at him. Oh I read it. He never read the whole thing - said he skimmed it- I read it. I read it completely! I felt her horror. She was devastated. She thought their relationship was solid and moving forward. They had shared so much together. She could not believe that her whole relationship with him was a lie and that he had me living with him the entire time. I have no idea how he schmoozed her again, but a year later he sends her a picture that I took of him with my dog of 13 years. Why? I didn’t even want to know. I would have never known that he sent it, but she texts him back while we are in the truck coming home from kayaking in Washington. and she tells him how handsome he is. I was told not to say a word. He literally said “ don’t be mad at me, I’ve done nothing wrong, keep your mouth shut!”. Oh he did do something wrong. Totally wrong. But that’s how he lived his digital life. Always talking and flirting with other women. He wouldn’t even put on his Facebook account that we were in a relationship - of four years living together. He actually has multiple FB’s and Instagrams and tik tok. I found them.
He actually blamed me for losing friendship with her. Are you kidding me. What did I do. Nothing! Just a narcissistic person twisting things in their mind to suit their situation.
I was so thankful to have a counselor to talk to. She had asked if I was opposed to recording some of our conversations and let her listen. Because I honestly thought I was losing it. She saw the pattern and recognized what he was faster than I could say peanut butter!
A man who is truly in love- will always make sure his woman is well kept. There’s a man on Instagram who said this- he spoke it well. He said That his woman always has his back, his woman is always happy- his woman lacks for nothing. His woman walks tall, his woman is strong, his woman is proud. When other men look at her, they know they can’t fill the shoes she walks with. They know she’s well kept. None of this is talking materialistic things ya’all. It can be, but it’s not. He said His back is big enough and strong enough for everything that comes his and her way. He will take on any and all stress she has along with his own. He’ll go to work and come home and help out in the kitchen and with the kids and with the fishes and mow the yard, whatever his baby needs, because a family is not just one persons job. A family is multiple full time jobs. A man can’t just go to work and be absent from the family, just to return home after work and be absent from the famil,while the wife worked all day and now the wife has to work all night. In return- his woman will always and forever, walk proud and stand by her man , having his back, always lifting him up, loving on him with kindness and attention and devotion as he does her. She will make sure her man is well kept!
Troy had absolutely no respect for me. None.
Ate you seeing any similarities or incidences that trigger thoughts of what you’ve been experiencing in your relationship? If you have a Narcissistic relationship, you probably do. Dr. Armani has a you tube channel on this subject. She’s studied it almost a lifetime, she went through it as well. Brilliant woman.
Understand, I’m a smart, intelligent, capable empath with a degree in Psychology Family Studies. I worked in the middle and high school with behavioral teens (many horrifyingly just like this)You would think I would have seen this coming! That’s not always the case. Ever. I had to stop being hard on myself, and understand that I got charmed, schmoozed, slam and the cycle began.
I have been away from My Narcissist for 14 months. I have been working with a counselor in regards to him for over 2 years (along with adding navigating cancer meds, chemo and radiation - just me and my counselor and my dog). I have spent the last 14 months rebuilding and crashing and crying and feeling and really deeply feeling, and being angry and hateful and feeling crazy, begging him back and reading his texts saying he loves me, and crying more, and crashing, feeling normal, just to start all over again .
My counselor and I were having a hell of a time. I knew this was not the way I wanted to live my life. I’m more on the Wicca side of things and have been on my own journey for awhile, so I mentioned hypnosis. Best idea ever!!
Not only has it helped me to strengthen my own ego and bring my own power and energy back to me, but it has helped me to cut karmic chords from previous relationships and pasts that do not serve my highest good. I was able to learn to feel my emotions in the present moment and process them out of my body, letting all that pain go. I still have pains,I still have thoughts, but the pain from them are not as tantamount as they were and the healing has become much quicker.
My friends- I didn’t see this coming - the pain was real, the struggles were real. And when I found hypnosis and it actually helped, I chose to get certified so that I could help others heal a bit quicker, as well. Because it works.
We all who have been through narcissistic relationships have lost so much- but the best is yet to come.
Our past lives and circumstances have a way of creeping back into our lives and stagnating our growth due to fear.
It’s time to cut those Karmic chords and rid the body of those pains.
My world in the last 5 months has dramatically changed. It has brought me some true friends, a new career (twice) both outside in the workforce with a double my salary- I make as much as he does now! Lol- and Im building this business to help others overcome by hard relationships. My world is actually opening up, and though it’s been rough and I’m not seeing where I’m going, every now and again I look back and go “Holy Moly, look where I’m at, I can do this!
I’ve found myself and my strength. And though my trust isn’t at 100%, I’m okay talking about it. And still working on it.
It’s important to me to help you do the same. If you will allow me and if you are ready.
The longer we hold on to the pain, the longer the abuse controls our lives.
None of us want that.
Here’s to a new you.
A new start
A new chapter for 2025
I have openings just for you.
I also help with smoking cessation
Relaxation
Past life regression
And so much more.
Let’s talk
1 consultation is free and takes about an hour and a half.
Namaste!
