01/26/2026
There’s something so beautiful about being FORCED to let go of my To-Do list!
Was my computer dying at a very inconvenient time and costing me money that I didn’t want to spend fun or beautiful, NO. Not even a teeny bit. Running a business, even for a few days, without a computer, especially with a brain like mine that needs BIG screens, is HARD.
Loosing EVERYTHING that was on my computer for the rest of eternity is one of those amazing lessons in impermanence. A concept that is often shoved at me repeatedly (I’m listening!).
So many things on that computer that I will never even remember I have lost (even though they once felt SO Important, IMPERATIVE even). So many things I will only recall losing when I finally need them and go looking one day in the future only to realize, nope, gone. And a few things that I am already completely aware of (gut punch) that are GONE FOR GOOD. And actually some of it IS good after all.
Like this blasted To-Do list of mine! On-going for YEARS. Sometimes sorted, often inspired, in places, yet it was generally just an overwhelmingly long and scattered list of effin SHOULDS that I would periodically try to should all over myself with, ammo for comparison. With the holidays and the turn of the year and having taken some time off, it took me a minute to realize that this cherished list has literally just DISAPPEARED into nothingness. It reminds me of right after a major death, when doing anything just feels kinda weird and directionless. AND it is so sO Freeing. It’s a reminder that, especially as a biz owner, I am the one putting all of the pressure on myself and that can feel daunting or exciting. Like chores to complete or reaching goals. I get to (re)frame these things.
When the list vanished, I wasn’t scolded — Spirit laughed softly and said, see? you are not held together by documents and deadlines. You are held by breath, by rhythm, by the unseen currents that keep moving whether you track them or not. Like nature.
In shamanic ways, this feels like initiation medicine. A shedding I didn’t choose, but apparently agreed to on some deeper level. What burns away isn’t the work — it’s the GRIPPING (to ideas that I THINK shape me and my biz). The urgency. The illusion that I must remember everything in order to be worthy of what comes next or to do a good job or be respected or or or…
Without the to-do list, I get to listen instead of manage. To respond instead of perform. To trust that what truly belongs to me will return — and what doesn’t, never needed to be carried this long. This is impermanence as relief. Loss as recalibration. Remembering that presence has always been my real productivity.
I think I”ll consider this a ritual deletion — space cleared, signal strengthened!
