12/06/2025
A Gracious Receiver - December 2025
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW
The year was 1976, a historically significant year, two hundred years after the Declaration of Independence was signed. But that year was memorable to me for another reason. That’s the year my neighbor taught me a new perspective on giving and receiving, and her words have stayed with me for many years! Let me tell you the story. At that time, my husband was the pastor of two churches in a farming community. We lived in a large two-story house beside one of the churches. We had space to grow a garden, a beautiful apricot tree, even a small barn. Our family which included our two small daughters loved living there in the country.
Two wonderful neighbors who I will call Alice and Dan lived about a half mile down the road. They were hardworking, down-to-earth people. Dan farmed, and Alice was a nurse. They had young daughters who enjoyed riding ponies and playing with our girls. Both Alice and Dan were extremely kind, the best neighbors ever! Dan would share garden produce with us, and Alice frequently shared a yummy home-baked good. Each time she shared something, I tried to return the favor.
Because I had been taught to give as a child, I was comfortable with giving. My family taught us to return favors to those who gave to us and never return an empty dish. We were taught that it is “more blessed to give than receive.” So, as an adult, I lived by our family traditions about receiving.
Prior to the day of my lesson from Alice, I had only known her as gentle, soft-spoken, and patient. I had never heard her use her firm voice, and I am unsure what precipitated her statements. But I had probably “returned a favor,” again.
That day, Alice firmly said to me, “I want you to quit paying me back for everything I do for you! I mean it! Don’t you know that every time you pay me back for something, you are robbing me of a blessing?”
She was very serious. I had not looked at giving and receiving like that, but I wanted to try to understand her perspective. So I looked up articles about giving and receiving. One article said that when a person gives to another, “happy hormones” are released in the brain of the giver—that’s probably why it feels good to give.
If you think about it, a person cannot give anything unless there is someone to receive. So both givers and receivers are necessary for the giving-receiving thing to work!
Alexander McCall Smith said, “Gracious acceptance is an art—an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving….”
After my husband died, I was on the receiving end—many people were kind to me. At that time, I only had enough energy to say “thank you,” but after my heart began to heal, I was able to start giving again.
During the holidays many gifts will be given and received. And the holidays will bring back memories of happier times when our loved ones were alive and the way things used to be. So a little self-care might be good for you. But remember it is okay to just say “thank you” for a kindness without trying to pay it back. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Give if it feels right for you, and do not feel badly if you do not. Alice has been gone for a while now, but I still remember her kindness and my lesson. Even though I would still rather give than receive, because of her, I am a more gracious receiver.
