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Parenting Adult Children
12/22/2023

Parenting Adult Children

Caregivers who have reached out to our helpline have asked many questions about how to parent an adult child with substance use problems.

12/21/2023

Holidays are a time where there is a natural increase of entitlement in children and even in ourselves as adults. For many, the tradition of wish lists are made and the expectation is high that those wishes and wants will be granted. We also know that developmentally, our adolescents and emerging young adults still live in a very egocentric place that can be exacerbated this time of year. This knowledge is crucial for parents when our feelings get hurt or our frustrations are high because of the often general lack of reciprocation that is spotlighted during the holiday season. It’s developmentally normal and still can be extremely challenging to be in a relationship with someone who is more focused on the me than the we.


On a regular basis in our coaching with parents, we each tend to hit repeat on the phrase, “increase responsibility to decrease entitlement”. This concept is one of the biggest strategies we as adults have in combating the developmental normalcy of adolescent egocentrism. It is also the best gift you can give to your children all year long and especially during this holiday season. Giving the gift of responsibility not only decreases the level of entitlement in our children, it also offers the opportunity for them to feel valued, to experience agency in their lives and often provides a brighter, more accepting lens into the relationships they are engaged in.


As you enter this holiday season consider a few tips as you add this gift of responsibility. We are clear that it is not a gift idea that will be checked off many, if not any lists created by your children, however, it’s crucial to remember, you are the gift giver so you get to decide on the gifts you give.


Spread out the holiday planning responsibilities to all. Use your skill set at list making to ensure everything is taken care of by delegating who can complete what on the list.

Engage everyone in the conversation to identify what continues to bring your family joy and what rituals potentially drain everyone because they have turned into an undesirable obligation.

As a parent, focus on decreasing any tendency you have to overfunction for others and (forcefully) encourage others to share in the responsibility of ensuring desired holiday rituals take place.

Practice the skill of collaboration as decisions are made about how to navigate the unstructured downtime of the vacations. Provide the limitations and allow for the responsibility to create agreed upon healthy management of the potential overuse of devices and other unhealthy habits during this time.

Encourage your children to give the gift of time to others- taking on a sibling’s or a parent’s chore, helping out a grandparent or neighbor, enjoying an experience together to counter the tendency to lean into material items as the only worthy gifts.

As you see the entitlement start to rear its ugly head, focus more on responsibility (everyone’s ability to respond to what is in front of them) and less on accountability (accounting for who did what). Accountability may give you the knowledge that there is ownership to the entitlement that occurred but increasing the ongoing responsibility will give you so much more, including potentially quieting down the daily entitlement.


The gift of responsibility to your child will truly be the gift that keeps on giving! As you practice giving this gift, we encourage you to focus much of your energy on spreading out the responsibility of creating fun this holiday season.


From our family to yours!

Happy Holiday Season!

10/30/2023

Being hard on yourself now serves no purpose and is in fact counterproductive with respect to the change that must happen.

Your kids and your husband don’t know your boundaries because neither do you.

It is about your ability to establish healthy boundaries and then stick to them. It is about being consistent with or responses when our boundaries and violated.

We cannot change another person. We can only change ourselves and how we will respond he the good and bad behavior of our loved ones, who continue to cause us to live in daily pain.

HELPING IS DOING SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE THAT HE IS NOT CAPABLE OF DOING FOR HIMSELF. AND, ENABLING IS DOING FOR SOMEONE WHAT HE COULD AND SHOULD BE DOING FOR HIMSELF.

Enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortable continue their unacceptable behavior.

ARISTOBRATS- Children who are the center of the universe, spoiled, egotistical and disrespectful.

As a result of emphasis on self-esteem, Kids are growing up without problem solving skills because many of their parents think love means solving all their problems for them. Many adolescents have no respect for authority because their parents did not command their respect. Instead here parents fave too much and expected too little. ‘As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around them. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions-their own choices- will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become.

A main problem is that parents we are stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make. The main problem is US!

Fear and guilt are top reasons we disable our children

Tough love is really-tough on the parent.

Our adult children did not get here overnight and it will not change overnight.

Decide to live your life and not the life of your adult child.

Stop rescuing someone who has not desire to be rescued.

Sto;p being a caregiver for someone who is capable of caring for themselves.

See your child for who they really are and not who you hope they will be.

Boundaries for children bring security.

Detach from the plan. When we want it more than they want it- Not a good prognosis for change.

Break the enabling cycle.

Care for your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health.

Remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friends in addition to your adult child.

You will not accept excuses.

You will understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don’t make excuses for what you believe. You will uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values and integrity.

You will give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money.

Develop an action plan-

Statement of purpose

Changes being implemented

What we will do

What we will not do

Resources available

Transition care package

10/21/2023

This Simple Fix Could Help Anxious Kids
By Camilo Ortiz and Lenore Skenazy

Dr. Ortiz, a psychologist, is an associate professor of psychology at Long Island University, Post. Ms. Skenazy is the president of the nonprofit Let Grow and the author of “Free-Range Kids.”

A colleague in suburban Kentucky let his 12-year-old daughter walk two houses down to her friend’s place. At the end of the play date, the other girl’s mom walked her home, just to be safe.
Such excessive caution is hardly unusual — over the past several decades, children have become less and less independent. Instead of running outside to play after school or riding their bikes around “Stranger Things”-style, they’re more likely to be indoors, on TikTok or in adult-run classes and organized sports.
Or, like the girl in Kentucky, protected from a danger that’s all but nonexistent.
There are many reasons for this clampdown on kids, including the birth of cable TV in the 1980s, which evolved into round-the-clock internet news alerts, bringing a stream of scary news to parents. A gradual increase in homework started in the ’80s, too, thanks to the fear that American kids were falling behind. And as the years went by, parents growing wary of a winner-take-all economy focused ever harder on getting their kids into college. They sprang for things like tutors and travel teams, giving kids a more curated, less autonomous childhood.
But as kids’ freedom has been going down, their anxiety has been shooting up. The surgeon general has declared this “the crisis of our time.” As a society, we’ve been trying everything from breathing exercises to therapeutic horse grooming to keep kids from shrinking from life.
While there could be many reasons our kids are suffering, what if the problem was simply that kids are growing up so overprotected that they’re scared of the world?
If so, the solution would be simple, too: Start letting them do more things on their own.
This is exactly what the two of us have been studying. Lenore is a New York mom who let her 9-year-old ride the subway alone in 2008, wrote a column about it, got labeled America’s Worst Mom and started the Free-Range Kids movement, which grew into Let Grow, a national nonprofit promoting childhood independence and resilience.
All the while, she has been monitoring the landscape of American childhood, talking to parents, teachers and kids, including 13-year-olds who’ve never been allowed to go to the park without an adult or run an errand or even cut their own meat. One 17-year-old told her he’d love to get pulled over for going 10 miles over the speed limit, because that, at least, would be on him. Alone, without parental help, he’d have to deal with the cop.
Camilo conducts research on treating kids with cognitive behavioral therapy. He also uses it in his practice and has witnessed the increase in children’s anxiety since he started counseling them 15 years ago.
We both bemoan the fact that parents across the economic spectrum now believe that the more supervised, structured activities they can put their kids in, the better off they will be.

We think this constant supervision and intervention could be hurting kids’ chances to become brave and resilient, and a recent Journal of Pediatrics article concurred. What’s missing today isn’t just the thrill of climbing trees or playing flashlight tag. It’s that when an adult is always present — in person or electronically — kids never really get to see what they’re made of. Kids should have a loving and secure relationship with their parents, of course. But if you think back to a time you were alone as a child and got lost or maybe fell off your bike, you probably still remember what happened next. You limped all the way home or asked a stranger for help. You managed. And that was a milestone.
Kids need a whole lot of those experiences. They are anxiety killers.
The Let Grow Project is a homework assignment we recommend schools give to students so they can learn to tackle more things on their own. The instructions tell kids to go home and ask their parents if they can do something new by themselves (or with a friend), like walk the dog, run an errand, make the family breakfast — just something they feel ready to do but haven’t done yet.
Teachers and parents have told us that kids’ confidence starts climbing when they participate. For instance, a seventh-grade boy pushed himself to go on a ride at Disney World — something he’d been too scared to do before. After braving the child-friendly Slinky Dog Dash, there was no stopping him: He went on ride after ride. Another seventh grader, a girl who was afraid to try out for the swim team, decided to start by walking to church by herself. That made her feel very grown up. Then she got her ears pierced (with her parents’ permission). Then she started doing CVS runs for her mom, which made her feel responsible. And then, yes, she tried out for the swim team (and made it).
Sometimes the impact is a little goofier. Ever since her elementary school started doing the Let Grow Project, one principal told Lenore, “fewer kids are sticking their feet out.”
“They’d been tripping each other?” Lenore asked.
No, said the principal, “fewer kids are asking their teacher to tie their shoes.”
This was the dream of Let Grow: Give kids their independence and watch them blossom. But the uptake has not been as fast as Lenore would like. A lot of schools want data, not anecdotes.
Enter Camilo. He’d heard about Let Grow and offered to test independence as therapy in a clinical setting. He was already practicing exposure therapy, in which you have clients confront their fears. But this was a radical reconceptualization of the treatment. Instead of saying, “I hear you’re afraid to sleep in your own bed — how about trying that tonight?” now he would ask, “What cool things would you like to do on your own?”
Using this technique, he and his doctoral student Matthew Fastman treated five patients, ages 9 to 14, who were diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. And despite the kids’ worries, it turned out there were many things they did want to try alone: Going to the grocery store. Taking the bus. One wanted to take his little brother to a carnival.
The intervention required five office (or Zoom) visits with the parents and child. The kids each did about 10 to 20 new things on their own.
The result was that all five children went from saying they felt worried most of the time to saying they felt worried a little bit of the time.
Statistically, this independence therapy worked better than drugs. And faster than cognitive behavioral therapy.
Of course, because it was a pilot study of just five kids, we can’t make too much of the results. And it’s doubtful any psychological intervention will ever work universally. But the results suggest that more study is merited. Now Camilo is planning a larger randomized controlled trial, and we hope others will begin researching how wide-ranging the benefits could be and what might be going on neurologically.
The beauty is that we don’t have to wait for results before kids can try out more independence. The Let Grow Project is free, and so is Camilo’s manual for clinicians.
Giving kids more freedom could be the cheapest, fastest and easiest way to give kids back the bounce they’ve lost.

10/19/2023

Secret #1 - The less you focus on the idea of controlling your child’s success and the more you focus on the vision of their success, the more successful you and your child will be!


Secret # 2 - As a parent you can simultaneously know and can accept that you only have control over you, while also knowing that you influence, rather than control, how your children define their own success.

Secret #3 - The more curious we are, the less judgemental we are. If you as a parent focus your energy in being genuinely curious you will find the opportunity for true connection, the opportunity to have your ideas and hopes heard, and the ability to create a feasible plan to achieve the success that you and your child both want and feel good about.

10/11/2023

Stepping In When Your Child Is Using Substances
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On This Page
1 How do I get started before talking to my child?
2 Get on the same page as your child's other parent or caregiver
3 Intervention strategies: Sample dialogues
4 Do's and don'ts for a good conversation
5 How do I make sure that my child actually changes their behavior?
6 What if I realize that my child needs outside help?
Related Reading
A Skill-Building Course Addressing Teen Substance Use
Our online learning course offers practical skills at your own pace for how to talk to your child about and address teen substance use.

Making sure your teen stays healthy includes protecting them from alcohol and other substances. Why is this so important? Let’s break it down.

During their teenage years, children’s brains are still developing, and continue to do so until their mid-20s or later. This development is especially important for thinking skills like good judgment, decision-making, impulse control, memory and more. Substance use during this time period can negatively interfere with this development.

The less your child is exposed to substances throughout their teenage and young adult years, the better it is for their brain’s healthy development. It’s like nurturing a young plant into a strong tree; you want to protect it from any harm that might impact its growth. Early intervention and prevention can keep them safe.

The overall trend shows that teenage substance use is on the decline. Still, teens might feel peer pressure, get curious, or want to rebel. Additionally, big companies are trying to get teens hooked on va**ng, drinking and more. They use famous people, social media stars, cool packaging, exciting flavors and free samples to tempt teens.

It’s vital to intervene if you’re worried about your teen using substances. In this guide, you’ll find answers to questions caregivers like you have about talking to your loved one and keeping them safe.

quote
The first time I found out my son was using drugs, I was shocked because he and I were really close. I was worried and looked at it as a chance to start a conversation. Or maybe to keep going with the conversation ‘cause we had talked about it before.
David Sheff

Author, father of three


How do I get started before talking to my child?

Here are some steps to get you started before talking to your teen about substance use:

Observe Changes: Keep an eye out for any shifts in your child’s behavior, appearance, habits, health or school performance. For a complete list of warning signs, you can visit this link.
Take Notes: Make mental or written notes of instances when your child breaks rules or does something worrisome. For instance, if they often come home well past their curfew, jot down the dates.
Search for Signs: Some parents debate whether it’s right to snoop through their children’s belongings. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this, but if you feel the need to gather proof before your conversation, here are some places to check: dresser drawers, desk drawers, backpacks, car glove compartments, closet backs, hidden spots in bedrooms, under mattresses or beds, small boxes, books or bookcases, makeup cases and over-the-counter medicine bottles. Also, make sure to note if there is less alcohol in bottles you may have in the home or fewer pills in prescription medications. (It helps to keep any substances and medications locked up).
Remember, you don’t need hard evidence to start the conversation. Trusting your instincts when something seems amiss is a good enough reason. You know your child better than anyone else in the world, so if you think they have changed in some way, they probably have. It never hurts to just come out and ask your child about their experience with or opinion about a certain substance. You can begin the conversation with a line like, “I see quite a few kids va**ng and there’s a lot about it in the news. What are your thoughts about it?”

If you’re almost positive that your teen is using substances, looking for signs and symptoms of use before having a conversation can make it much easier for you to start it. You don’t need hard evidence (like a joint or empty beer bottles), but specific observations and details (“Last Friday night, you smelled like smoke and your eyes were red”) will be difficult for your child to explain away.


Get on the same page as your child's other parent or caregiver

Get on the same page with your spouse/partner. If your child’s other parent or caregiver does not share the same beliefs and values that you do when it comes to substances, you will certainly hear about it from your child. “Getting on the same page” doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing – it means presenting a united front.

Remember: This is a stressful situation for both you and your partner, and you will need one another’s support. Do not blame your partner for your child’s substance use, or allow them to blame you. Your teen’s problem is no one’s fault, but you and partner do need to work together to deal with it.

Prepare to talk about addiction if it runs in your family. If there is a history of addiction in your family, whether it is to alcohol, other substances, gambling, s*x, etc., your child is much more likely than other kids to have a problem that could lead to addiction. Understand this serious risk and think about how you are going to explain this to your child in a way that clearly conveys the concern.

It can be especially hard for you to get clear messages about substances across to your teen if you and your child’s other parent aren’t together. When you are not in a relationship, you may not agree on how to parent. Your ex-partner may not enforce the rules you’ve set, so the best thing you can do is teach your child to see the importance of your rules, even when they are with their other parent.

If you’re a single parent or caregiver, the most important thing you can do is to build a support network as it can be very hard for you to handle your child’s substance use problem on your own. Even if you want to be the only adult involved in the actual conversation, you can get support from friends and family before and after.


Set goals

Set a goal for each conversation. Chances are, your first discussion will not resolve all problems – and that’s okay. But if you set a goal (even a small one) before you start talking, you will know where you want your conversation to lead. These can include: wanting your child to spend time with healthier peers after school, stop binge drinking at parties, obey curfew and/or get a substance use evaluation from a therapist or other addiction professional.

Prepare yourself for your teen’s reaction. Many teens aren’t happy when approached about their substance use and yours probably won’t be either. That’s to be expected. What you might not expect is to be called a liar, a fake or a snoop. Think about how you will handle these accusations if they come up. The chart below may help.


Intervention strategies: Sample dialogues
If your child says: You can:
“You went through my stuff? You’re a snoop!”
Defend your choice to look through your teen’s things by expressing your concern for their health and safety.
Say, “I’m sorry you feel that I broke your trust. But as a parent, my job is to keep you safe and healthy, and therefore I have to step in when I believe you’re doing something unsafe.”
“You smoke/drink! You’re such a hypocrite!”
Focus on the issue at hand – you don’t want YOUR TEEN using substances.
Say you wish you had never started smoking because it’s so hard to stop.
Explain that it is legal for adults to drink, and it is illegal for people under 21 to drink because their brains aren’t equipped to handle alcohol yet.
If you are in recovery, say, “I love you too much to let you have the same problems I had and to experience that pain.”
“I’ve never done drugs! You’re wrong!”
Remain calm.
Stay focused on your goal for the conversation.
Say, “I see a lot of warning signs and love you way too much to let anything happen to you. I need you to tell me what’s going on so I can figure out how to help you. I have no intention of getting mad or punishing you.”
Do's and don'ts for a good conversation

The best way to ensure that your attempts at intervening actually get your desired outcome is to make sure that you have a conversation, not a confrontation. And it likely means a series of conversations over time, not just one. Here are some tips:

DO:
Remember that this is about your child’s heath and well-being — not bad behavior and punishments.
Come from a place of love and concern, not anger.
Keep a cool head and speak calmly instead of yelling.
Be direct. Saying, “You smelled like alcohol when you came back from Ashley’s party” is better than saying, “I know something fishy went on at Ashley’s party.”
Withhold judgment so that your teen feels they can tell you the truth.
Listen carefully to what your teen has to say without interrupting them.
Grant your child “immunity.” Promise your child that if they tell you the truth, there will be no immediate consequences, such as grounding.
Check out their claims. If your teen is sticking to their story, say, “That’s fine, but I’m going to call [insert appropriate name] just to make sure that’s what really happened.”
If they say they are trying substances, ask why. The “why” can help you understand where your child may need help to address peer pressure, curiosity, boredom, anxiety, etc.
Talk about your own memories and mistakes so that you and your teen can relate to each other.
Share your expectations that you don’t want your teen using substances.
DON’T:
Have a conversation if your teen is under the influence, on the way out the door to school or getting ready for bed. Pick a time to have the conversation when both of you are available and calm.
Get defensive when your teen makes a remark that feels like a personal attack — use it as a discussion point.
Just take what your child says at face value – listen to your child’s tone of voice, and pay attention to their facial expressions, body language and difficulty finding the right words.
Answer the phone or door — give your teen your undivided attention.
Following these tips should guide you and your child through a challenging discussion, but if things get too heated or emotional, there is nothing wrong with stopping the conversation. If you think both parties just need to regroup, you can say, “We’re not going to get anywhere if we both keep yelling. Let’s take a break and then try again.”


How do I make sure that my child actually changes their behavior?

If you say something during your conversation but don’t follow up on it afterward, your teen won’t know what you really mean. That’s why you need to share your expectations and rules so your child knows you’re serious about them not using substances.

Monitor your teen and communicate with them regularly about their whereabouts, friends, activities, social media and more. Monitoring is a lot of work, but it can keep your child safe. Here are some ways to stay connected with your teen:

Be around your child. Spend time with your child and find ways to “drop in” when their friends are around. Offering food is usually a good way in.
Ask questions before they leave. Be sure to find out where your teen is going, who will be there and what they’ll be doing.
Check in. Text, call or Facetime them while they are out to say hello and remind them that you expect them to follow the rules you’ve established.
Ask questions when your teen gets home. Be sure to check out their appearance and speech and ask them about their night.
Reach out to other parents in your community. This way you can all keep an eye on one another’s kids.

What if I realize that my child needs outside help?

If your child’s substance use progresses, you may decide they need more help and guidance than you personally can give. This may be scary to think about, but “outside help” doesn’t necessarily mean rehab. There are many people in your community who can serve as great resources for you and your teen – you just need to know who you can ask for support. Some caregivers have turned to school counselors, professional counselors, their pediatrician, sports coach, a close family friend, a teacher or clergy. Think about who might be able to best help your child.

However, if treatment is needed, the first step is to get an evaluation by a healthcare professional. Learn more about where to start with our resources on treatment and recovery.

10/09/2023

"I destroy homes, tear families apart - take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold - the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome - try me you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave.
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell."
Signed
DRUGS

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Cleveland, OH

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+14406683701

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