01/14/2016
What does it mean to "self soothe"?
This is the holy grail of conventional sleep training, but I don't think many people really take the time to think about what it means, and whether babies (and toddlers) are capable of doing it.
1. If the baby needs to 'self soothe', that first means that there is a problem, ie: that they are not calm. This explains most of the babies whose parents insist that they are definitely 'self soothing' (a common criticism I receive re. my work). There are plenty of babies who can get themselves off to sleep with little to no adult intervention. It is important to understand that those babies who lay calmly in their cots/cribs and then drift off to sleep alone are soothed already, they haven't had to self soothe, they just need to go to sleep - which is a pretty easy skill for babies (they have been doing it since they were in the womb!).
2. Those babies who genuinely need to soothe/or be soothed are the ones who are not calm for some reason - whether physically or psychologically. Perhaps they are scared or lonely, perhaps they are hot or cold, perhaps they are hungry or thirsty, perhaps they are uncomfortable for some reason. Now in every single one of these scenarios it is neurologically and physically impossible for them to soothe themselves. They ALWAYS need adult input for that. At best sleep training that works on ignoring their communication of their needs in some way (e.g controlled crying, cry it out, pick up put down etc..) won't make the need go away, but it may stop them communicating the need. That may sound appealing if it makes your baby *finally* 'sleep through the night', but I don't believe any parent wants to achieve that by leaving their baby alone and scared/in discomfort.
The table below illustrates just some of the ways that babies are incapable of self soothing.
It's not possible to teach a baby to self soothe. Self soothing behaviours are reliant on physical growth, strength and dexterity and brain growth and maturity. It's a developmental stage (or rather stages, again looking at the table below you will understand that babies don't develop the ability to resolve all of these problems at the same time!).
Putting a baby down in their crib/cot awake will not encourage them to self soothe. For some babies it will 'work' (in that they will go to sleep) - but they are the babies who are calm already, all they need to do is close their eyes, suck their thumb or comfort object and off to sleep they go. If you have one of these babies putting them down drowsy and awake is probably the best thing you can do - as you are respecting your baby's cues. That's great respectful parenting (many people seem to think I tell all parents to always cuddle their babies to sleep and during sleep - I don't, I tell parents to be respectful and follow their baby's cues!). You do however need to understand that this is not 'self soothing'.
Other babies need a lot, lot more. In this case you need to respect their cues and give them what they need (i.e don't persist in trying to put them down 'drowsy but awake' or expect them to sleep through the night without you) - that's also great respectful parenting!
There's no such thing as developing bad habits by meeting your baby's needs. In fact, the more you help your baby to be calm now (whether that's by allowing them to sleep independently or by you constantly meeting their needs) the bigger their brain will grow and the more easily they will be able to (truly) 'self soothe' when they are older!
