10/03/2024
A moment of deep reflection: I often struggle with confrontation of any kind. Not because I'm scared to be confrontational - far from it. My struggle in conflict is maintaining control of emotions. I become lost in anger, frustration, fear (of physical and verbal violence, abandonment, being dismissed/gaslighted/ignored), and hopelessness in moments of conflict. Conflict resolution has historically been modeled as nothing but harmful and toxic: yelling/screaming; insults; gaslighting; a total refusal to take responsibility for impact on others - in short - conflict has only opened doors for continued abuse and neglect.
It's been over a decade that I made the decision to walk a different path for conflict resolution. It has not been an easy path to walk. I have developed a tendency to remain silent in conflict. After so many harmful, toxic experiences, I would rather remain silent than risk even the smallest potential of putting any more abuse or harm on others. I would rather be totally silent and hold it in than risk yelling/screaming, insults, gaslighting or anything that would make the situation worse.
It's taken the last several years for me to appreciate and realize that silence can be just as abusive and harmful as screaming/yelling, etc. When there is conflict/tension, silence becomes intentional and woeful ignorance. Through a few very hard lessons, I've learned that, to be and remain silent in conflict is not only to ignore the problem, it is also to ignore the people around me. I've learned that I - like many I grew up with - excel at looking at a person like they don't exist... even when that person is standing right in front of me. In short, I still end up treating others in exactly the same abusive, corrosive, and s**tty way I was treated for SO long. A way that causes people to question if they matter and - worse - if their existence is valid.
It's hard to swallow the fact that I have treated people I love in such brutish fashion. I struggle with timing - when is the right time to talk? How much time can I take to go away, lick my wounds (so to speak), and gather my thoughts? How much time do I have to figure my s**t out before I miss my opportunity to speak? I struggle with message delivery - how do I approach the conversation - the RESOLUTION - without... well... being a DICK? I struggle with my role - What part did I play in this conflict? What part do I want to play in resolution? I struggle with validity - Are my feelings/thoughts in this conflict valid? Is my existence valid?
I've been privileged to meet people in my adult life who have a preternatural level of patience. People who have shown me so much grace - possibly more than I deserve. People who support my continued development and growth. People who engage with authentic, genuine, unconditional love. People who have taught me that I am allowed to have my "moment" - to work through my emotions in a brave space, then come to the discussion to work through conflict in an amicable, peaceful manner.
I still struggle with conflict. I am so privileged to live and work with level-headed people who are willing to come to me with a conflict in a dignified, respectful manner to lead us to resolution. It is an honor to see others model the kind of behavior that I want to emulate. S**t, y'all - I know I ain't perfect! I am grateful that perfection is not expected from me. That I can make mistakes. I'm grateful and honored by your presence to catch me when I fall, so that I can pick myself up and keep moving forward.
The only way forward is through. We go forward through conflict with love. I believe in love. Only love can truly save the world. Love will never do, without you!
