George Lathem LLC Marriage & Parenting Consultant

06/19/2024

4 ways to invest in your marriage.

When you think of investing in something, what comes to mind? If money immediately pops into your head, you’re probably not alone. It’s true – investing is often associated with finances. But in this post we’ll be talking about what is arguably the most important investment in your life – your marriage!
When you get married, you’re investing all you have into that commitment – financially, sure – but also on levels much deeper than that. Energy, time, emotion, love – you put all of those eggs into the basket that is your marriage. You’re banking on a lifelong commitment and a future together.
So what does this look like in the context of everyday life? Here are four surprising ways you invest in your marriage:

1. You address the tough issues – and table them if you need to.
Dealing with contentious issues in your marriage isn’t fun. So when you face conflict head-on, it doesn’t always feel like you’re doing something right. It can be uncomfortable and tense and just plain difficult. It can feel like you’re stirring the pot unnecessarily, especially when you easily could have just swept the issue aside for the time being. But when you choose to be proactive about these issues instead of sitting in complacency, you stop resentment from festering and prevent bigger, more insidious problems from taking root. And those issues that you know won’t get resolved right away? You understand that working through it together for the long-term benefit of your marriage is more important than resolving things quickly.

2. You focus on yourself.
It seems counterintuitive, but it’s not about being selfish or narcissistic. When it comes to investing in your marriage, it’s about working on yourself to be a better spouse. That might be learning more about your own triggers and insecurities, or becoming aware of the things that you struggle with and taking the initiative to work on them. Or it might be taking care of yourself physically and mentally to ensure you’re able to be there in full capacity for your spouse and family long-term.

3. You set goals together.
Whether it’s saving up for a big home renovation, striving to live a healthier lifestyle, or trying to make regular date nights a reality, setting goals together requires a certain level of commitment. It means you’re aligned on what you’re working toward, and you’re able to communicate to achieve that alignment. Depending on the scope of the goal, it might require long-term planning and sacrifice. You’ll need to be a source of support and encouragement to each other along the way.

4. You don’t try to change each other.
Your spouse isn’t perfect, but who is? Sure, they have traits and quirks that drive you nuts and vice versa. But you know that trying to change each other’s personality is ultimately a waste of time and energy. When you fully accept and love your spouse for who they are, it can create a positive shift throughout your entire relationship. You appreciate each other more and learn to leverage your differences instead of working against them. When you’re not holding each other to unrealistic expectations, you both feel more satisfied in your relationship. And when you embrace each others true selves, you create the best foundation for growing both individually and as a couple.
Investing in your marriage on a daily basis might not be about dollars and cents, but it does have a big payoff: a strong connection, a dynamic marriage, a sense of security in your commitment to each other, and the knowledge that you can count on each other no matter what life throws your way.
- blog from Prepare/Enrich

04/15/2022

https://www.gottman.com/blog/mindful-parenting/

The Child Mind Institute discusses mindful parenting and how to use techniques to take the stress and anxiety out of raising kids.

09/22/2019

Great resource for adult victims of child abuse.

Information for Survivors - HAVOCA help for adult victims of child abuse

04/16/2019

Themes to live by

1. Peace of mind is our single goal.

2. Forgiveness is our single function, and the way to achieve our goal of peace of mind.

3. Through forgiveness, we can learn not to judge others and to see everyone, including ourselves, as guiltless.

4. We can let go of fear when we stop judging stop protecting projecting the past into the future, and live only in the now.

5. We can learn to accept direction from our inner, intuitive voice which is our guide to knowing.

6. After our inner voice gives us direction, it will also provide the means to for accomplishing whatever is necessary.

7. In following one’s inner guidance, it is frequently necessary to make a commitment to a specific goal even when the means for achieving it or not immediately apparent. This is a reversal of the customary logic of the world, and can be thought of as “putting the cart before the horse.”

8. We do have a choice in determining what we perceive in the feelings we experience.

9. Through retraining of the mind we can learn to use positive active imagination. Positive active imagination enables us to develop positive, loving motion pictures in our minds.

Dr Gerald Jampolsky MD

06/27/2018

Want To Change Your Child? Start By Regulating Your Own Emotions

“Before I even notice, I’m already 10 steps into reacting with whatever issue is at hand with my kids. When I can remain calm, it certainly helps the situation as opposed to when I get heated up, which only makes things worse. It makes me sad to know that until now, I have not been a good example of emotional regulation at all. And it's so disheartening to see my kids doing things that I know they saw us do.....throw something, slam a door...."

Sounds familiar, right? Regulating our emotions is at the heart of our ability to parent the way we’d like. In fact, it’s at the heart of most of the ways we trip ourselves up, from over-eating to procrastinating to fighting with our partner. It's just so easy to get hijacked by our emotions and find ourselves already ten steps down the low road.

We often hear that good parents love their children unconditionally, but we all know that no parent always feels loving. So we’re left on our own to figure out how we can restore ourselves to a state of love during the inevitable ups and downs of daily parenting.

This very challenging task -- regulating our own emotions so that we can guide our child lovingly rather than indulging in our own tantrum -- is fundamental to good parenting. But it's not just good for our kids. This inner work also helps us to grow into happier people.

Is it hard? Yes. I think it's the hardest work any of us will ever do. But it's completely possible. Here's the secret.

When you let yourself experience your emotions, they begin to evaporate. So by simply sitting with your upsets -- breathing and feeling BUT resisting the urge to act, holding yourself with compassion -- you clear out your own unfinished business, whether fear, hurt or grief. Love rushes in.

What about anger? That's just a defensive reaction to fear, pain and grief. Once you let yourself feel the more vulnerable emotions under your anger, they'll evaporate -- and so will your anger.

You might even say this process transmutes fear, pain and grief into love, because we're opening to love where there wasn’t love before. Our hearts stretch, and we grow as people, as well as parents.

But what about when your child is misbehaving? Are you supposed to just ignore his bad behavior and go meditate? No, of course not! Children need parental guidance. But when you give that guidance from your own upset, your child won't follow your lead.

Besides, you can't control or change another person. You can only change yourself, which changes how the other person responds to you. So as you change, your child changes. As we heal ourselves so we can self-regulate, we become more effective in guiding our child so that he WANTS to cooperate.

That isn't just a fancy way of saying that we become willing to tolerate something that we may have yelled about before, although that will sometimes be true. For instance, we may realize that it's okay for our child to feel angry, and stop reprimanding him for that, even as we teach respectful interaction. Or we may realize that her jacket on the floor isn't nearly as important as how she treats her sister. Or we may begin to see our child's strong will as a positive trait, and find better ways to partner with her. None of these positive responses is possible if we don't start by managing our own emotions.

But what if your child is stuck in a counter-productive pattern and really does need to change? Your own emotional self-regulation is still the key to helping her change.

Here's why:

1. Children learn emotional regulation from us. Kids won't always do what we say, but they will always, eventually, do what we do. If parents indulge in throwing their own tantrums, so will their children. If we can stay calm, they learn that it's not actually an emergency when they get upset, and they learn to calm themselves.

2. The emotional safety we create for our children is exactly what allows them to heal, grow and thrive. Like us, children WANT to feel happy and connected, but sometimes their fear or anger overwhelms them. Our calm gives them a path back to loving connection. When they feel better, they do better.

3. When we provide a calm "holding environment" for our children, they feel safe enough to experience their emotions, which is what allows those big feelings to begin to evaporate. Kids learn that feelings are just part of being human, and they don't have to fear them -- OR act on them.

4. When children respect us and feel understood by us, they want to follow our lead. They learn that they don't always get what they want, but they get something better -- a parent who understands, even when they say no. So the child becomes more open to our guidance, more likely to follow our rules.

5. Children are sensitive barometers of our moods and tensions. If we have an unresolved issue, we can count on them to subconsciously pick up on it and act out. So very often, when we work on our own issues, we find that our child's behavior changes--even without our directly addressing it!

6. When we respond differently, so does our child. Remember, it's always your child's action + your response that = the outcome. When we get triggered and react without thinking, we escalate the storm. When we respond more mindfully and connect with our child, we settle the storm. Less drama, more love.

The good news is, even if our children have learned some counter-productive habits, it's never too late for them to learn to manage themselves emotionally. That begins with our role-modeling.

Learning to regulate emotions is a lifelong journey. For today, just start by noticing your own moods and feelings. When you get upset, resist acting until you're calm. Just breathe, and hold yourself with compassion, so you can calm down before you act.

Hard? YES! But every time you do this, you're actually rewiring your brain...and strengthening your ability to stay calmer in the future.

I guarantee you'll see your child change, too.

05/05/2018

Tempest-tossed souls, wherever you may be, under whatever conditions you may live, know this: In the ocean of life the isles of blessedness are smiling and the sunny shore of your ideal awaits your coming. Keep your hands firmly upon the helm of thought. In the core of your soul reclines the commanding Master; He does but sleep; wake Him. Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power. Say unto your heart, “Peace. Be still.” -James Allen

Entire audio book here:

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04/16/2018

Are you someone who walks around feeling angry with your spouse or loved one much of the time?

Do you have a little inner voice that constantly reminds you of all of his or her wrongdoings?

Have you become expert at remembering all the minute details of past injustices just so that you can keep score?

If this describes you at all, you better read what Dr. Michelle Davis has to say and take it to heart.

Lack of forgiveness imprisons you.

It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health.

It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts.

No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner's insensitive behavior, you still are miserable. When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can't feel joy because you're too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.

In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not "give in." To you, giving in means forgiving, letting go, and making peace.

To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul.

So, you keep your distance. You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you've drawn.

And though the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma.

I have worked with so many couples that say they want to heal their relationships. And yet, when they're offered the tools, they can't seem to move forward.

These are the couples that, instead of finding effective ways to get beyond blame, continue to repeat their mantra, "Our problems are your fault and you must pay."

As long as they maintain this mindset, they are doomed to failure.

How very sad.

Even sadder are their children who, on a day-by-day basis observe their parents being "right" but "miserable."

What lessons are they learning about love?

If any of this strikes a chord with you (and you wouldn't be reading this if it didn't), you need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.


Letting go of resentment can set you free.

It can bring more love and happiness into your life.

It opens the door to intimacy and connection.

It makes you feel whole.

Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge.

The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.

"All this sounds good," you tell yourself, "but how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?" Good question. You don't!

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.

You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner.

But what will happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade.

You will feel happier, lighter, more loving. And these renewed positive feelings won't go unnoticed. Others will be drawn to you.

Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn't a feeling.

Forgiveness is a decision.

You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate.

Even if it isn't easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future.

So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely.

Make peace.

Make up.

Make love.

I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind's eye at the moment.

Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.

It will make you compassionate, loving, and fearless.

Forgiveness truly is a gift you give yourself.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi

10/19/2017

What to do when your kid talks back: 3 Step Strategy

“The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children." -- Elaine Heffner

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? I don't think so. When kids express irritability towards us -- often called "back talk" -- they're trying to tell us something, and if we don't listen, they just escalate.

But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely in the future.

Your goal is to invite constructive communication while you calmly re-establish the standard for respect. To do that, you need to keep the connection with the child warm, even while you point out their hurtful tone. Here's your three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness as you interact with your child. If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. That models something you don't want to teach. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect. Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to. Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving them your focused, positive attention.

3. If your child speaks hurtfully to you, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying connected to your child: "Ouch! That tone of voice hurts. You must be upset to speak to me that way. You know I don't speak to you in that tone. You can tell me what you're upset about without attacking me. What's going on?"

Or, if you know already, "I hear that you're very angry at me right now. I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person. If we ignore their disrespect, we do them no favors. If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we perpetuate the behavior. The secret? They learn their behavior from us.
Dr. Laura Markham

10/12/2017

Trust and Vulnerability key to Relationship Health

A willingness to be vulnerable is a significant feature of lasting relationships — ones in which partners are allies, not foes.
The need to form a mutually protective alliance is innate, according to psychoanalyst John Bowlby. This need persists throughout life; the search to be both cared for and caregiver underlies falling in love.
Long-lasting couples manage to keep this vulnerability alive. Each person’s awareness of the importance of partnership underlies his or her attentiveness to the other. This “protective love” focuses on the partnership and the ability to put the other first. As parents, they instinctively soothe their children’s tears, and in the same way, they are responsive to each other.
Such deep caring comes easily at a relationship’s beginning. Lust and novelty keep us attentively glued to each other when we fall in love. It’s in the next phase, when routines and irritations set in, that protective love is tested. Deep connectedness — feeling our partner’s triumphs and setbacks as our own — is a hallmark of the early stages of love. We are careful with our words and behavior and take care not to wound the other.
Remaining this attuned to a partner takes energy and commitment. Barriers may still stand in the way, though:
• Busyness. Our busy lives mean we have to make an effort to take the time to talk and catch up. Such moments are essential for keeping empathetically tuned in to one’s partner. You need to motivate yourself to go out together, just the two of you, to focus on each other after a long day at work. This is the choice that long-lasting couples make. In a successful partnership, “I” develops into “we,”, and “independence” into “interdependence.”
• Fear of dependence on another. Growing up means becoming strong and standing on our own two feet, which implies independence. We can be reluctant to admit we miss our partner when they’re not there. But obeying a rigid script of independent adulthood doesn’t allow a close relationship to grow. We can take note of our need for our partner, our disappointment and loneliness when they are away, and give ourselves permission to miss them.
Prolonged stress tests protective love. Taking the long view — using memories of past happiness as insurance for the future — can help. Recalling our original commitment and promises to each other can help love endure the inevitable rough patches.
When John Bowlby’s attachment theory was extended to adult romantic relationships, psychologists found that partners in relationships classed as “secure” tend to show low anxiety and avoidance. In other words, they are relaxed about opening up to each other. Research suggests these partnerships allow people to cope better with stress, including the stress of having a child.
Securely attached people tend to have positive views of their relationships, often reporting a great deal of satisfaction in their relationships. They feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence, seeking to balance the two. When they do feel anxious, they try to reduce their anxiety by seeking physical or psychological closeness to their partner. During difficult situations they seek support, comfort, and assistance from their partner. A secure partner then responds positively, reaffirming a sense of normality and reducing anxiety. This expression of love puts into practice the key elements of a secure partnership: consistency, attunement to the other, and availability when needed.


Thinking about the concept of attachment in your relationship can add new meaning and help you develop a deeper, lasting bond. We all need someone we can rely on in order to maintain a sense of wellbeing. Knowing your partner is encouraging and rooting for you frees you to concentrate elsewhere. Secure and supported, you are able to produce, enjoy and be open to new experiences.