04/01/2026
Due to the acquisition, patients can expect the following changes:
1.) Implementation of a new phone system. Patients will be given two choices where they can press #1 for billing or #2 to be placed on hold indefinitely.
2.) Average physician response time will be somewhere between 2-4 weeks, maybe.
3.) We've added some outdated coupon books to our waiting room for enhanced patient enjoyment during their 90 minute waits.
4.) We've partnered with insurance companies to offer prior authorizations for an expanded selection of offerings. Now we will ask your insurance company if you have permission to visit loved ones or even use the bathroom!
5.) Appointments will now be capped at 6 minutes to streamline efficiency.
6.) We've now replaced meaningful conversations with standardized checklists
7.) Instead of directly texting your physician, now after hours concerns will be addressed through a portal that requires a password change every 3 days and a ticket will be submitted for us to ignore.
8.) To improve equity, all patients will receive the same standardized treatment plans without much physician thought.
9.) Only one concern per visit - signs will be posted in exam rooms.
10.) Patient satisfaction will now be measured by innumerable spammy email surveys which will be cherry-picked to appear artificially inflated.
In case the satire has completely escaped you, Happy 1st day of April. 😀
