08/02/2022
Important things...
Just the other day, a good friend and colleague sent me a text message. He does that occasionally, but on a regular basis. Random messages that convey “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you”, “I miss visiting with you”. Just a few weeks ago, another friend, someone I hold in very high regard stopped by my house. Even though we live in the same community, it is not unusual for our busy work schedules and lives to create circumstances where we will go months without even a chance encounter at a local store, so I was a bit surprised, and even concerned, when he stopped by on a random Sunday afternoon. I invited him in. We sat down. As it turns out, he had just come by to tell me that he loves me, he admires and respects me. That someone would go out of their way to share such an honest and heartfelt message, was a priceless gift. The gesture meant the world to me.
Somewhere along the way in life, I have found that I am just no longer interested in ‘small talk’. The shallow and superficial just doesn’t appeal to me. It is a poor substitute for the kind of discussions and interactions that build and preserve meaningful relationships. The proverbial “elephant in the room” is that there are always important things to be said, important conversations to be had, and far too often our time with those whom we claim to love and care about is squandered and waisted, while the important things go left unsaid. Months and years pass by and yet we still never find the courage to say the important things (I’m sorry, I miss you, I want to understand you better, Let’s find common ground). It always seems easier to just leave things unsaid and unresolved.
Recently, my wife and I went out of our way to stop by the home of someone that we felt a need to see and visit in person. We had not been in this home for about 12 years. Over the span of that time, keeping contact to a minimum has been very deliberate. The relationship has always been a hurtful one, and over time, the only way to avoid being hurt further was to simply limit contact. Sadly, our effort, our gesture was not recognized for what it was. The interaction was just as hurtful as any other had been 12 years previously. Even after 12 years, there were so many important things that we would have hoped to have heard from that person, that we would have hoped to have been able to say. They were either unable, or simply unwilling to navigate that kind of conversation with us. After a socially acceptable allotment of shallow and cordial discussion. We simply, and politely, left. Heartbroken and reminded that ‘important things’ weren’t important to that person.
Sadly, I have several similar relationships in my life. Those relationships where important things go left unsaid and important and meaningful conversations never take place. Weeks, months, and years go by and in time one seems to become comfortable with discomfort rather than to talk about the awkward conflicts that remain unresolved. I feel like I have tried to have them, but others make it clear that they just don’t want to have “those discussions” or are just not willing to make it a priority with their time. I often feel relegated to shallow and obligatory exchanges on infrequent occasions. It usually leaves me feeling sad. I also find myself simply avoiding the shallow exchanges and relationships where others don’t want to engage in more meaningful discussion. I find that I much prefer to spend my time with those whose interactions remind me that I am loved and appreciated and whos action consistently convey that they value me.
I have come to value words and messages more than I once did. It has become so important to me to tell those whom I love and care for how I feel. I have, gone out of my way to seek out people who have been, or who are important to me, or who made an impact in my life in some meaningful way and tell them they did so and how. I find myself wanting to make sure that I do not miss opportunities to tell people that they are important to me, that they matter deeply to me.
In a discussion with a student, I was once asked the question “How do you know when you love someone?” Many of the youth that I work with struggle with a lack of understanding about the nature of love. In responding to the question and trying to teach a lesson at the same time, I responded by focusing on love as an action rather than to focus on love as an emotion. To understand and feel the ‘emotion’ of love we must first practice the ‘action’ of showing it; both toward ourselves and others.
I experienced a bit of a personal epiphany in this conversation as well. As I was teaching this principle to my student, I was overwhelmed with realizing and recognizing that principle at work in my own life. Some people say they love me, but their actions over time really don’t support that message. They aren’t present in my life; they really haven't shown much interest or concern for me. Others, like the friend I mentioned, seem to regularly ask how I’m doing they go out of their way to remind me that I’m important to them. They value me, just for being me. When we connect, our discussions are meaningful and important.
It occurs to me that it is not only my student that seems to struggle with the nature of love in the world today. Perhaps we all need to be reminded that “Loving one another” is a call to action – more than simply an expression of an emotion. I believe there are important things to be said to one another. I believe there are truly meaningful and critical conversations that we need to be having with those we claim to care for.
What is keeping YOU from having those discussions?
