11/12/2025
Confidence. Nothing is so essential, or elusive, as having that feeling of assuredness, of trust in oneself, and in one's worth. Images on social media flood us. The woman dancing in the waves, living the life she deserves. Professionally, it may show up as the man in the boardroom, leaning back in his chair, having the final say that no one disputes. Most of us, flooded with self doubt, "bolster" our confidence by taking a deep breath, straightening our backs, and pressuring our voices to give ourselves the semblance of confidence.
What is it, to instead be inhabited by a spirit of confidence, not merely a performance of it?
I was not a confident child. In fact, there was one year in elementary school where I spent each recess hiding behind a door, terrified of the rejection of the rope jumpers and Barbie Doll players laughing on the other side. When I became a psychotherapist, working with complex PTSD, my clients would almost uniformly start either slumped in their chair, already defeated by Life, or rigid, facing what they anticipated as my judgment of their failures.
What I discovered, and what they found, as we healed, was the joy of confidence. Moving forward into our lives, fueled by the trust we now have in ourselves. That we had the right to be here, and that we had the emotional as well as cognitive tools needed to gain mastery in our lives. That we could wake up each morning to a life we really wanted to live, that we could meet the challenges, master the stressors…and enjoy the rewards of a life cherished.
My belief is that there are three kinds of confidence: the confidence of arrogance, the confidence of ignorance, and the confidence of excellence.
We see, in the confidence of arrogance, political animals and social media pundits whose blinding charisma draws us in. In them, there is no flaw, no self-doubt; their mantra is "I can do no wrong." Joseph Chilton Pearce, in his Crack in the Cosmic Egg, writes of a time as a young man when, feeling filled with this absolute belief in himself, he was selling knife sets door to door. Late one night, hit by a mighty wave of confidence, he stopped at a stranger's door, woke the family up, and boldly presented his wares. Intoxicated by the young man's enthusiasm, the family bought the entire set. Pearce later questioned his youthful drive: could the family really afford it? Who was he to disturb a whole family late at night?
The confidence of arrogance is the narcissistic belief that one is already perfect. That one's expectations, beliefs, and will are absolute and unquestionable. It is the confidence of dictators and manipulators, and it feeds off compliance. Fortunately for them, their complete lack of self-doubt often generates a compelling energy that pulls others into their wake, particularly those filled with doubt. In voting for them, buying from them, bowing at their feet, we are borrowing their energy, and our own lack of trust in ourselves is momentarily diminished.
The second is the confidence of ignorance. As a young woman, I lived in Boston for a few years and befriended a few students from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, one of the leading universities in technology, engineering, and other areas of scientific exploration. They told me that every year, at least one freshman committed su***de (update: in the last ten years, that hasn't changed. Twelve students have taken their lives). Shocked, I asked why. This was their theory. Many students came from high schools where they were the brightest kid, the one that everyone else came to when they needed their computer fixed, to explain a thorny Physics question, to help them figure out how to get the principal's car on the roof. For many of these high-achieving geniuses, it becomes the core of their identity: I am the smartest kid, bar none. Filled with this confidence in themselves, they arrive at MIT and instead find themselves in the middle of the class or even at the bottom. They were rudely awakened to the realization that their confidence had been built unwittingly in a field far less challenging than the one they now competed in. For some, losing the very thing that defined them was too much, and in the vacuum left, "If I'm not the smartest in the room, who am I?" they fell into the well of despair and ended the life they now perceived to have no value.
At one time or another, we all confront our own ignorance. The marriage we thought was going to last forever breathes a death rattle. The children we so carefully raised rebel and become someone strange to us. The promotion that seemed like a great opportunity reveals the need for a new set of skills that are difficult for us to master, and we fail to achieve. And we find the confidence we had at the start giving way to self-doubt and recrimination. We failed at being perfect, or even good enough. The voice of judgment is harsh and demoralizing.
But there is a new kind of confidence that can take its place.
The confidence of excellence.
In my twenties, I lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and among my friends was a wonderful woman named Gagi, who had taught in a Dine reservation. One day, she went with the children to learn how to shear sheep. The children hitched themselves up on the corral on all sides, surrounding an adult who'd been doing this for years. They watched wide-eyed as he sheared sheep after sheep, deftly, the animals acceding to his calm ministrations. They observed, and they learned, their little bodies already echoing the magic of mirror neurons as they saw the way he held his tools, navigated the path he had carved, and separated the sheep's bodies from their wool, soothed the animals. He would then ask for a volunteer, and many hands shot up. The chosen one would then make an initial attempt, and of course, fail. The adult would smile, expecting this, and step in to correct. Then step back. The child would make another attempt, better. Time and again, the child would reach a point where they didn't know how to do something correctly, and the adult would step in…then step out again. Finally, the child would complete, imperfectly, sufficiently, this difficult task that looked so easy at the start, and a smile would burst on their face. Looking around, they would see and hear the cheers of their friends, and receive a well-earned pat on the back from their proud instructor.
The confidence of excellence is earned. It is born from the recognition of elders as children meet the challenge of a difficult task, as children show generosity and respect, not out of fear, but out of overcoming natural selfishness and valuing the worth of another. It does not require success; it requires effort. Real effort. Think of it as "feeling the burn." When someone who's overweight and out of shape…me included…shows up at the rec center, day after day, our taking time out of our sedentary lives to do so requires effort. The overcoming, even, of resistance. When we exercise, our muscles groan. Our breath labors, face reddens. We can get caught up in self-judgment, comparing ourselves to the buff, slim, muscled athletes around us, or we can get on with it. At some point, we get past the warm-up, and the exercises become easier. The weights, a little lighter. Our weight, also a little lighter. We grow more confident each time we load more pounds onto the leg press or increase the number of push-ups. Our mantra: "I did it! I can't believe it, but I did it!!" and like that sheep-shearing child, we beam. And our confidence is bolstered by the encouragement of others, as I once experienced when, as I was getting tangled in an effort to jump rope, a young man hollered, "You can do it!"
This confidence happily eludes perfection. It feeds instead on the drive to challenge oneself, to become better…even better. Having the trust in oneself that the resources, both within and without, are available to accomplish a skill or strength. Perhaps not even to accomplish, but to at least be better. To feel inherently worthy enough to give oneself the opportunity to try.
In Colorado, we have many mountains. At the foot, looking up, we can only see the first peak. Those who have the confidence of arrogance remain at the foot, imagining that they've already crested the top. Those who have the confidence of ignorance climb to that first peak, only to look up and realize that it is only the first of many, and feel defeated. Those who have the confidence of excellence anticipate the burn, the effort, take stock, and the next step. They will stop only when they've met their physical and mental threshold, and galvanize themselves with the promise of doing better next time, as their strength and stamina continue to build. They are not confident because they can climb the mountain; they're confident because they relish their ability to build strength and meet challenges, to rely on their contentment with themselves and on the support of others who care for them. For them, the confidence leads to the climb, but does not depend upon accomplishing it.
When they look in the mirror, they can see both the flaws and the beauty —the too-big nose and the warm eyes —and see in their reflection the beloved. Can you pass the Mirror Test?
This is the confidence I wish for you.
