11/18/2025
Your Fight Response || By Laura Zwisler, LPC
I have observed from my seat across from the human condition, that adults with particularly unjust childhoods tend to have “anger” problems. In reality, they have a handful of problematic triggers that cause them to act out whenever they feel threatened in the same way they were as a kid. From that viewpoint, their behavior is rational. From the point of view of everyone else, they have problems.
Chances are good that there are one or two things that really make your blood boil. Some triggers cause fight or flight reactions. Let’s talk about the ones that cause fight, in particular, because fight is a really misunderstood phenomenon. It looks like anger, but is actually acute distress that is based in fear.
My own biggest trigger is disrespectful behavior. I can become very adamant, very quickly, that people should not, and will not, be treated with anything less than basic decency. This isn’t social justice on my part—I think that would show up a bit calmer, honestly—this is trauma trigger. I know because I get into fight. How can you tell the difference between genuine anger and fight, you ask? Anger is used to bring others into compliance with the social contract, it is usually based in self-esteem. Our anger says, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I want you to know I won’t passively accept it. Should you not shape up, our relationship is threatened.” But it has a rational undertone—it is telling the other person you do not consent. Fight is a fear response. Fight wants only to survive the day, so if it can intimidate, surprise, fluster or leave the other speechless, that’s fair game. Fight is gloves-off, and it runs the show.
You might have milder triggers—around feeling controlled, or people who won’t pull their weight, perhaps blatant entitlement is hard to swallow. They might not get you into full fight mode, but they are hard for you to step away from and consistently prickle you under the skin. We all want to move away from a tendency toward fight reaction, we all want to be “better” versions of ourselves. The question is how.
The reason a trigger gets stored in us is to prevent the bad thing from happening again. Our nervous system needs reassurance that we are truly safe, and our emotional body needs to work through what happened in the first place. Our culture will throw a lot of shade at anger-like responses so we tend to go underground with this work. Having a reliable fight response carries shame, whereas having a flight response elicits compassion and offers of help. You can work on it on your own, though.
First, figure out how these behaviors hurt you in the past. Understand the wound you are trying so hard to avoid. I’ve seen disrespectful behavior do a lot of damage to people’s sense of self and sense of safety, and so my nervous system treats it the same way it would treat physical threats—with a no-tolerance policy. If I go back, I can look at the situations that caused the trigger, and the damage they created.
Second, find compassion for your younger self. A sense of injustice is usually part of a lingering fight response. Perhaps you were a kid and couldn’t defend yourself, perhaps you were a young adult and didn’t have the ego strength to prevent the bad thing from happening. Either way, you were hurt, and needed comfort—comfort that you didn’t get. Notice that you are safe now, but you are not healed.
Third, make a plan for how you will handle the trigger when it comes up. I like mantras and action plans, but do what works for you. My go-to with disrespect is 1) Recite the mantra “You are reacting to your old wound, not this person in front of you,” and 2) Leave the situation as soon as possible. I do not give into the strong desire to serve others a tongue-lashing. I do not berate myself, either.
Fourth, find a time to feel the grief and fear. When blatant disrespect happens in my world, it actually brings up a lot of unprocessed emotions like helplessness and sadness. In counseling programs they teach that emotions show up like a bullseye with anger on the outside, fear, sadness and love in concentric circles underneath. Anger is easiest to access, but love is at the core. When I make time later in the day to comfort that younger version of myself, to cry for her, I work through some of what causes the trigger. I also use this time to make meaning of what happened, of why suffering exists in the world, and how I’m supposed to hold it.
Taking those four steps each time the trigger arises tends to diminish it over time, but it will take time. The average human has a lot of behaviors that are consistent but are unexamined. We call the lot of them our personality. But we can change, if we want. Carrying shame about a trigger response doesn’t have to be a foregone conclusion. The piece that is missing is compassion for ourselves. We will never be able to change that suffering has always existed in the world, but you can love yourself enough to heal your response to it.
About the Author: Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling. She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work. Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential. In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience. If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.
