10/29/2020
*I had this waiting to share yesterday. Today, I woke knowing I was meant to share *
Synchronicities = moments of meaningful coincidence = the universe speaking to you.
10.28
Brain bleed, stroke, loss of baby.... never in a million years would I have predicted these things to be a part of my story. For those of you that know me, you know I love the symbolism of synchronicities. This day has such a significant meaning to me. The synchronicities tell a story. Today marks 5 years since my brain bleed and stroke, as well as what would have been my due date with my 4th child.
I’ve thought about it for months how I would share ‘my story’, ‘my truths’. I knew that my truth had to be heard. The pain of my loss has been crippling at times, like the air is being sucked out of me. I know there are soo many others silently living with this kind of pain. I see you and I am here for you. If in sharing my story it makes anyone feel not so alone then it is worth it.
When I had the stroke, my team of Dr’s at the time told me it wasn’t a good idea for me to get pregnant again. Fast forward 4 1/2 years and things in my life had been falling apart for several months. I was starting to pick up the pieces; feeling whole again. That’s when I got pregnant. Universal timing. Because of my stroke, my OB wanted me to meet with high risk. I sought out the most highly recommended Dr., and upon walking in the room the first thing he said to me was that my case ‘scared the hell out of him.’ He talked and talked about my risks and ultimately told me I had a 50/50 chance of surviving the pregnancy at best. My stroke, factored with my preterm labor with my third, as well as the stress of delivery on my body wasn’t leaving him feeling very good about it. In the first few weeks of me finding out I was pregnant, I was having terrible migraines, one of which half my face went numb like it was split in half, running down my neck and down my whole arm. I wasn’t allowing fear to take over but it was slowly creeping in. I was left with making the choice to end my pregnancy. Those that know me know I always wanted a fourth, I’ve always felt another one was supposed to be. This baby has been with me for years in spirit. My forever spirit child.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m looking for awareness. I’m looking to make someone else out there not feel so alone in their choice. I’m looking for awareness that I was lucky enough to have a CHOICE. Had I not, I may not be here today. My 3 daughters would be left without a Mother. I’m in a group with thousands of other bereaved Mothers who have had to end their pregnancy due to their own health or the health of their baby. They, along with few close friends and family have gotten me through some of my hardest days.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. My stroke taught to me always listen to my inner voice, to trust, to respect and love my body and the signs it gives me. My loss of my baby reminded me just how fragile life is and how thankful I am that I have 3 healthy children, that I’m healthy, and that I forever have him by my side in spirit. My angel who comes to me in meditation daily and soars the skies with me, I love you so. I love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.
So today, with a smile on my face, I choose to celebrate life. The second chance I was given 5 years ago and my baby who is very much alive and with me in spirit 👼