David Flowers Couples Teletherapy

01/30/2026

I’m finding a lot of really great stuff about relationships on social media lately. This one is by Melissa Valentine Brown. This is not a panacea, it won’t fix all relationships, but it will be an important part of saving many relationships.
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I find that many women show up to the marriage being bossy little micro-managers from the first day.

When you constantly micro-manage someone, they STOP thinking for themselves, and learn to rely on YOU for everything.

This also happens with gaslight victims, or people with overly controlling partners-- eventually they start to believe that they are no longer the best source for decision making, or logical thinking-- so they always look to their partner, even though they were perfectly capable of all that back when they were single.

So when the bossy partner starts with all the "No, don't do it like that, do it like THIS!" they totally break down their partner's initiative. Then they ridicule them for not having any initiative.

I think it's better to study something called "feminine communication" to help inspire him to take charge-- rather than criticizing, nagging, and blaming him.

Then use said feminine communication to have a very important talk together. And BE HUMBLE. Be willing to admit where your micro-managing has greatly contributed to your partner's lack of initiative.

Feminine communication works like this (in a kind voice):

You: "May I share something with you?"

This makes him feel like he is choosing to hear you out, rather than you forcing it upon him. 99% of men will say "Yes", or "Sure."

Then instead of accusing and blaming HIM (which will only make him shut down and tune you out), you should use a lot of "I" and "me" language. State how you are feeling-- again, without attacking him, and saying that it's all because of HIM or HIS behavior.

Even if you feel that it is because of him, you will get a MUCH better response if you don't accuse, or blame.

Instead, say something like this:

"I feel sad, and overwhelmed."

Most men will go into "problem investigator" mode when they hear that from the woman they love.

They will usually ask,

"Why?"

Then you place the problem on the table, without assigning any blame. Say something like this,

"There's just too much to do, and remember all the time, around here. Birthdays, appointments, errands, shopping, which groceries we are out of, laundry, housework... I know it all has to be done, but I'm exhausted having to remember everything by myself. It feels like I have too much pressure on me."

Now DON'T ask or demand that he step up and do more. Unless he is profoundly stupid, he will immediately figure out that the best solution is for him to take on at least half of those things.

But see what you did there? You asked his permission to share with him. He didn't feel attacked or blamed. He felt respected, not hated. He willingly chose to listen to his wife's heart, and her feminine vulnerability. He noticed a problem. And now, he gets to be the hero, by coming up with a solution, on his own. He gets to step in, and be the "knight in shining armor", to save his wife from overload.

That makes him feel wanted. Needed. It makes him feel more purpose.

That's your basic formula for feminine communication. Cut out the blaming, nagging, and attacking.

Switch to asking permission to share something with him. And use "me" and "I feel" language. Put the problem on the table. Then step back, and see what he does with it.

When men are connected to their "healthy masculine", they love being the hero. Being the problem solver. The one who fixed everything, and saved the day.

And respect? Most men crave respect and appreciation, even MORE than s*x, much of the time. That stuff is magic for them.

Most men NEVER hear,

"Honey, I really appreciate all the hard work you do, and the sacrifices you make."

They're DYING to hear that, but they hardly ever do. It's very important to stop and tell him that, regularly. Especially after a long, tiring day.

If you do those things-- feminine communication, and respect/appreciation-- you will be the ONLY woman who has ever done that with him, and you will be his number 1.

It may take a while of doing that to awaken his healthy masculine. Because it has been shut down for so long. BE patient, and don't stop doing it. He will notice the shift. And trust me, he will love it.

01/29/2026

This. Is. Brilliant.
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You marry the inner child of of your spouse, not the outer adult.

You don’t just marry the adult standing in front of you. You marry the kid inside them, the one who still flinches at rejection, still aches for safety, still remembers what it felt like to be unseen. Every partner carries an invisible backpack carrying their childhood: the praise they got, the shame they absorbed, the needs that went unmet.

That’s who shows up in conflict. That’s who gets activated when you walk away mid argument or go quiet when they need reassurance. That’s who lights up when you say “I’ve got you” or wrap your arms around them when they’re spiraling.

We get fooled by the outer adult, the career, the confidence, the curated image. But peel that back and the relationship is really between two kids who still long for comfort, safety, and love without conditions.

Real intimacy begins when you stop fighting the outer adult and start responding to the fragile, messy, hurt child underneath. It means instead of reacting to the sharp words, you hear the fear behind them. Instead of shutting down when they demand too much, see the little one inside who once felt abandoned.

This doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It means recognizing what’s really happening: a child is asking for reassurance in the only way they know how. And when you can hold that truth, when you can meet the inner child of your spouse with steadiness, kindness, and boundaries, you stop recycling the same old fights and start building something healing.

Love is not about two polished adults shaking hands and saying, “let’s do life.” Love is about being brave enough to face the ghosts you both carry, to soothe each other’s wounds, to nurture the parts of you that never stopped needing. Giving each other a corrective love experience.

That’s where relationships transform, from surface connection to soul-level intimacy. That’s where love grows softer, deeper, and less conditional. Because when you care for the child inside your partner, you’re not just loving them, you’re helping them re-parent the parts of themselves that thought love was always going to hurt.

From The Angry Therapist

01/05/2026

Anybody out there wanna go deep today?

Here is a 25-minute training I did for the Michigan Mental Health Counselors Association on couples therapy. This video was made for other therapists, specifically other couples therapists, but I think could be extremely enlightening and helpful for people who find these communication impasses in their relationships.

Specifically, this video takes on one of the most confusing things beginner couple therapists often run into, which is that one partner often thinks the relationship is a complete disaster, and has very little hope for it, while the other partner thinks everything is great, that things are fine.

How can two people in the same relationship, living in the same house, have such radically different perspectives? It took me years, but I figured out the answer to this question and, once I did, I was able to take gigantic leaps in my work with couples.

If you want to skip the intro stuff, start at four minutes 30 seconds.

David Flowers LPC talks with therapists about what he has learned as a Couples Therapist.

12/11/2025

“In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.”

12/01/2025

I always use a real-life bird story with my couples, so this is perfect!

11/03/2025

I haven't been posting these regularly, but this one from last month is probably my favorite so far.

Most couples talk about everything BUT their relationship. Then, when problems come up, there can be anxiety around simply having a conversation about something important. In this video you will learn three questions couples can ask and answer daily to a) make real conversation a normal part of the relationship, and 2) stay in emotional contact with each other.

Most couples talk about everything BUT their relationship. Then, when problems come up, there can be anxiety around simply having a conversation about someth...

11/03/2025

10/18/2025

This is doubly true in couple relationships, where you have two people, each with their own triggers and blind spots.

10/07/2025

Sorry for my huge logo. It used to be when I posted a blog link, it automatically featured the photo for that particular post. Not sure when that changed.

You might be on this page right now because you're just exploring my site. More likely, you've heard about discernment counseling, or someone told you to look it up online, and you're curious. After all, it's a fairly new process used in the field of relationship counseling, and most people aren't f...

08/22/2025

As a couples counselor in the trenches with struggling couples day in and day out, I’m surprised how often one partner reports the other doesn’t shower, brush teeth, change clothes, and/or apply deodorant regularly.

Let’s get as clear about this as possible. If your partner has this complaint about you, what they’re saying is they are repulsed by you! And in a way you have 100% control over and could correct instantly and permanently if you wanted to. Instead of arguing why they shouldn’t be grossed out (ignoring the deep and ancient human disgust response), just fix the problem.

Someone who will not do this incredibly easy thing is certainly not going to be open to listening carefully and empathetically to issues their partner has that are less physical and more emotional and therefore often much harder to correct.

Often the things being neglected in relationships are basic things most of us are taught in childhood: be nice; apologize when you hurt someone’s feelings; listen when someone is talking to you; brush your teeth; bathe or shower; express appreciation; say please and thank you; keep the commitments and promises you make; don’t lie or cheat; help people when they need help and don’t complain; don’t yell and throw fits when you aren’t getting your way; don’t ever use violence or words to coerce people against their will; honor the rights of other people to make their own choices; honor the boundaries other people set; help when help is requested.

These are elements of basic human goodness and decency. If you never learned these as a kid, or if you struggle to apply them in your intimate relationship, get in touch with a therapist who can help.

08/04/2025

Experts Warn AI Chatbots May Worsen Mental Health Crises. A Guardian analysis highlights that, while AI chatbots are rising as therapy alternatives, their tendency toward “agreeable” responses and in–context learning can foster unhealthy dependency, delusional thinking, or suicidal ideation in vulnerable users. Specialists call for tighter regulation and clinical oversight to mitigate these emerging risks.
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This is one of many studies I have seen coming out about using AI for mental health. For fifty years we have known that the most healing thing about therapy is not the therapist's specific training (psychologist, social worker, counselor, etc.) or how much schooling they received--it's the connection, the fit, the spark, between therapist and client.

In other words, it's all about the quality of HUMAN CONNECTION. No matter what words a chatbot might use, and how warm they might sound, they do not--and cannot-- CARE. People want, and need, to be deeply cared for, heard, and understood. It's only in that context that meaningful change can happen.

This isn't a panic piece. Telling an AI you just broke up with your partner and what ten things would they suggest you do can be fine--as long as you take those answers with a grain of salt. We're a very long way from AI bots being doctors, therapists, and other real agents of care and change, and we may never get there.

When professional services are overstretched, ‘always-on’ tools like ChatGPT can look attractive. But users must be wary of the many risks involved

07/31/2025

This is why communication skills are critical. You have to talk about the hard things, but if you don’t know how to do that, then even trying to discuss your problems is going to be part of your problem.