10/29/2025
You call it “high functioning”.
I call it a different kind of hard.
Sure, some of our kids can walk and talk..even socialize, they seem to “fit in” just fine..on the surface.
But here’s where it gets tricky.
This is where they struggle...and it’s huge.
As they get older, they gradually realize they are different from their peers.
So they pretend.
They mask their challenges.
They learn to talk and act like the kids around them which takes up all their energy.
They may even want to try new hobbies, sports and clubs, overload themselves with activities because they are trying to find that right fit, the one where they feel they belong.
They hold in their need to stim and self regulate for fear of being made fun of or bullied.
It affects them everyday.
They try to be good and perfect and well behaved for their teachers and pay attention in class.
But they crash or explode when they get home.
It exhausts them to where they may need a nap by the end of a hard day.
They may need days to recover and recharge.
They may stay home a lot.
Their social battery may simply run out and social anxiety takes its place.
Shutdown and burnout. Depression.
Dark thoughts.
They have to work harder, and they process things in a unique way.
It makes them socialize and play differently.
And even with all the pretending, they stand out eventually.
Because their peers get older. They surpass them socially.
Then exclusion and getting ostracized for being different begins.
Listening to a teacher give a lesson can be confusing as their brain is trying to process the words.
Too many voices in one room, too many instructions at one time, can put them in sensory overload.
They take that test they studied all week for and their memory fails them.
They can’t start a project..or maybe they never finish one.
Executive functioning might not be their strong suit, and as their world gets bigger, things become more difficult to manage.
The list just goes on and on..
Their struggles are invisible to most which means they can go many years without getting proper accommodations and help that they deserve.
They can even get denied help because no one believes they exist.
Or…”they aren’t autistic enough.”
But eventually it all comes to head.
Academically, socially and emotionally.
And it presents itself. And you wish you had known sooner.
You wish they had known about themselves sooner if they get diagnosed later in life.
Because it’s still hard.
And you still have to fight for them.
And they have to fight to be in a world that doesn’t understand them.
And getting older doesn’t make it easier.
The more aware you are, the harder it is to not second guess every interaction.
For the social anxiety to not make your brain one big hamster wheel of perseverating thoughts that take all of your energy.
So remember these things when you choose to call an autistic person “high functioning.”
Remember there are hidden struggles.
Remember they are socially unique.
And remember that it doesn’t mean easier.
It may appear that way but that’s because they often have to pretend so the world will accept them.
And anyone who has done that, lived their life that way, knows how exhausting and damaging it can be to an autistic individual.
©️Written by Sheryl St. Aubin Three Little Birds-Raising Kids On The Autism Spectrum
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