Rewriting Myself

02/20/2026

My wife was 32 when she passed unexpectedly. We had never discussed life after one of us passed so to suddenly have to figure out grief for myself and our daughter was a lot to suddenly face. One of my initial fears was that I would mess up and that would not just affect me but also our daughter. I immediately sought help so that I would not mess up and make mistakes as I began this journey....

..... wow, was I kidding myself.

Let me tell you this today if you do not already know it. You WILL make mistakes along the way as you grieve. Actually, I dont even know if you could call them all mistakes but maybe calling theme "choices you would go back and do differently". See, I made a lot of mistakes, but in hindsight, had I not made some of them I do not think it would have led to other positive things that eventually came. As an example, I had joined a lot of support groups and in doing so found that they are not all the same and that many of the ones I joined were not the right fit and in fact had characteristics that actually pushed me away from seeking further help at that time. This was negative at the time but ultimately was one of the driving reasons why I eventually started my own group, as I wanted to have a place that took all the positives I found in my time at various support groups and leave out the things I found unhelpful.

Something that helped me out at the beginning was when others who were further along on their walk in grief would share choices that they made that they wished they could undo. I though today I would just lay out a few of my own personal mistakes I made so that it gives you perspective and food for thought should you face these same choices. Please note that what I consider a "mistake" for me might be totally a great fit for you. My experience is not yours but its the only one I have that I can share.

- Getting rid of things I though would be too painful to keep. I will say I kept most of the things my wife and I owned, but there were some personal items that I wish I had held onto a little longer

- Not giving myself time to grieve while at work. Some people throw themselves back into their work and the distraction is enough to get them through the day, but there are not many people who can say that the loss of their loved one does not enter their mind even when they are extremely distracted. In hindsight I wish I had discussed with my supervisor that I needed to set aside time mid day to just go out to my car and let it all out.

- Accept help when offered. At the beginning I was overloaded with offers of support not truly realizing two things. One was that the "village" that was supporting me would soon be back to their own busy lives and not as available. The other was not realizing how much I really needed the help, and often, still do. I was too worried about being a burden when I shouldve just taken all that was offered.

- Taking my health more seriously. Not eating, maybe drinking alcohol, not getting enough sleep... all these seem permissable when grieving but not only are they hurting your body, but your mind and emotions will struggle to cope also.

- Turning to "quick fix" remedies. When God didnt seem to help those first few days I sought out mediums, self help books, new age practices, even looked into other religious beliefs. I was advised not to do this but didnt listen. Now as I have totally found my faith in Christ, I shudder at the spiritual harm that I caused myself by falling into that trap. Its a trap I am still working to climb out of. In the end there is no crutch that will heal your grief. At best it may pacify you for a few days but at its worst it can cause more harm than you could ever imagine.

- I spent too much time focused on regrets. If their is one thing grief taught me is that I am not in control of as much in this life as I think I am. That said, most of my regrets I had were of things I never truly couldve controlled. "If I had done this then this wouldve happened" was just another way my mind was trying to take control when it was not in control.

- Probably the BIGGEST mistake I work on overcoming to this day is forgetting that MY WORDS HAVE POWER. The words I utter will predominately help to shape my future. When I said "Ill never be happy again" that wasnt a premonition of what I thought would happen, but it was a declaration of what I was choosing would happen. When I said "I can never go back to that place again because the memories are too painful" that wasnt me realizing that I couldnt ever again revisit places my wife and I enjoyed, but it was me declaring I was choosing not to go. These words were not actually facts unless I spoke them and committed to them that they would become truth. I lost precious moments of peace by allowing my words to draw out my future in a way I didnt want to live

This is just some food for thought. You may take it or leave it but I am choosing to share because grief is not a struggle youre meant to face alone. When you are down, let others help you up. When you are up, help pick up others who are down. Once you know grief and it knows you, you move forward and at times you will rely on others for help, and when you are strong enough that you can do it, you should help those who then can use that hand. As our "village" of support returns to their lives, we become each others new neighbors in this place none of us chose to live but like it or not, are now all neighbors. Go easy on yourself today. If it seems like its one of those days that you just cant do it, remember this.... yesterday was one of those days also, but look....here you are... you made it and you will do it again today. Youve gone through the toughest part... now you will continue to get stronger in ways you never imagined you were capable of. Youll see.

02/14/2026

For some Valentines Day is just another day but for others its a day where we are flooded with commercial reminders of your loss. Sometimes words help but they dont replace that feeling.

Im attaching a short article that might help anyone who is spending the day quietly and wants to replace some of the silence with significance. I hope some of the ideas in this article are helpful to someone.

Reconnect and celebrate lost loved ones on Valentine's Day with these eight romantic ideas. Commemorate your lost loved ones.

01/30/2026

With the Super Bowl coming up, people are spending $6,000 or more for a seat in the stadium—to watch strength on display.

Speed, power, discipline, toughness. A professional football team at the peak of performance, celebrated by millions.

Every other Thursday night, I sit with a very different kind of strength.

A grief support group. No pads. No helmets. No crowds cheering. Just people who have been hit by life in ways no one trains for—showing up anyway. Carrying loss, heartbreak, absence. Sitting in a room and choosing honesty over avoidance, connection over isolation.

Both are teams. Both require endurance. But one kind of strength is measured in yards gained and games won. The other is measured in breaths taken, tears held back or finally released, and the courage it takes to say, “I’m still here.”

One experience costs thousands of dollars and lasts a few hours.

The other is free—and can change a life.

It’s a reminder that some of the strongest people I’ve ever known aren’t under stadium lights, but sitting quietly in folding chairs, doing the hardest work there is: continuing to love after loss.

If you or someone you know, is looking for a place to connect with other people who are also learning how to drive down the field, reach out.

01/28/2026

GROUP MEMBERS reminder there is a meeting this week, but as always, use your judgment if you feel safe out and about with icy conditions. I will be there so hope SOMEONE else comes 🤪

01/24/2026

Remember to go out and start your car a couple times over the next few days. The cold weather will drain your battery quicker. Letting the car run 4 or 5 minutes will help.Keep the battery charged up.

01/17/2026

Some of the things discussed in a grief support group are how each person can have different responses to annual life events after they lose someone. Birthdays, anniversaries, and even the date someone passed can all affect one person different than the next.

As we just came out of the holidays.Many people recently experienced there 1st, 2nd, or 3rd year of going through the holiday season after the loss of a child, spouse, parent, or other special person. As our group reconvened, different people shared their experiences of what the holiday season was like. While some found new ways to celebrate, others felt it was exhausting just to get the holidays over with.

I was approached by someone who had shared how they felt like they hated the holidays now and after hearing some others who were able to find joy again, they questioned why they felt how they did? This person felt like after a few years they should be celebrating again amd not just enduring.
This is a common thought that crosses many minds on their healing path, but I wanted to share my thoughts on the matter. Again, im not a therapist...just someone sharing my peespective and experience. If you agree or disagree, you are just as correct about your opinion as I am of mine. 🙂

1. Grief doesn’t move in a straight line.

It’s not like a wound that steadily heals day by day. Many people feel “okay” at times and then get hit hard again by anniversaries, smells, songs, or traditions that were tied to their spouse. Holidays can reopen everything because they highlight the empty chair, the routines that are gone, and the life that was imagined together.

2. Missing celebration isn’t the same as being stuck.

Some widowed people never enjoy holidays the same way again—and that doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong. It can mean love is still present. But if the misery feels constant, heavy, and life feels pointless most days, that’s different and worth gentle attention.

3. There’s a difference between grief and depression.

Grief can include sadness, lack of interest in celebrations, and wanting to withdraw—especially at certain times of year. Depression tends to be more global: numbness, hopelessness, guilt, inability to function, changes in sleep/appetite, or thoughts like “I don’t want to be here anymore.” If any of those are happening, support from a counselor, grief therapist, or doctor could really help.

4. Many people need more than time—they need connection.

Support groups for widows/widowers, one-on-one therapy, faith communities, or even just one safe friend can make a huge difference. Not to “fix” the grief, but to carry it with someone.

01/16/2026

We are currently accepting a few more members to our in person grief support group.

Support groups may or may not be helpful to everyone and is not a magic answer to healing. A support group can be a huge part of your healing but it is only 1 piece and of which alone will not complete the goals you have for yourself. Healing through grief takes work on your part through not one but many different branches.

If you have decided that you want to allow yourself to heal and are looking to add more tools to help you build that vision into a reality, please reach out here, email bob@rewritingmyself.com, or call 5089743280.

We meet every other week in Fall River at 6pm on Thursdays. This is not a medical program and is not run by physicians or therapists. Strictly a free peer to peer group.

01/11/2026

There are 3 words that can be dangerous to tell someone who is grieving.

"It's God's will"

Whether you believe in God or not, these 3 words can get someone to start believing things that may not be true about their suffering but may also bring about more confusion and pain.

I often hear people compare suffering to Job from the Bible. If you are not familiar with the story, it goes like this. Job was a very righteous and wise man. In the story, satan challenges God by saying he could get anyone to turn on God if God would allow satan to have his way with them. God tells satan that he can test Job but he just cannot kill him. Satan then causes all of Jobs family to tragically die, he destroys Jobs wealth, and inflicts Job with disease. Job's 3 friends come to see him but for 7 days they just sit and do not say a word. They sit silently for 7 days and just listen to Job pour out his sorrows. The whole time Job keeps praising God and says "The lord gives and the lord takes away".

After 7 days, things change Job's friends start to say that Job must've done something to offend God because God is doing this as a punishment.They instruct Job to confess his sin but Job adamently tells them he did nothing wrong. As days pass his friends persist that Job MUST be lying because God is doing this for a reason and Job should repent. The story goes on like this for about 32 chapters and in the final 2 or 3 God finally replies to them all and chastises their incorrect understanding of the situation. Job then has all of his wealtg restored and then some... he remarries and has a bigger family than ever before... and he goes on to live ANOTHER 140 years after his trials.

Job and his friends didnt know God's will or why Job was going thru these trials, but as his friends began to convince him that God must be punishing him it had a serious effect. It destroyed Job's hope, challenged his faith, and had him begging God to just kill him.

The reason this post relates to Christians and Atheists alike us because it serves as a lesson that we need to do 2 things when working through grief for ourselves or others. First, just like Jobs friends at the beginning, we need to sit silent and listen to someone who is in pain. Most people are empathetic and want to help someone with their problem but until you listen with your whole heart you wont know what the problem is that needs to be addressed. Grief is not universally the same for everyone and 2 separate people might be grieving and weighed down by entirely different aspects if their loss . A widow with young children may be fixated and frightened of like as a single parent while soneone else may be weighed down by the loneliness they now face. If their is 1 thing id put in a billboard for the world to see or advertise on a superbowl commercial it would be to tell people who want to help soneone with grief to just LISTEN.

The other thing this story reminds us is to be cautious trying to assign a reason to our loss . If you believe in God and someone says its Gods will, it can really hurt if you lost someone who was young or healthy. It can make someone feel like maybe their actions caused it or had they prayed more then God wouldve spared the person. If you dont believe in God you could still find yourself trying to assign a reason to your loss. Perhaps it results in guilt because you convince yourself that had you taken a different route home from work you couldve saved them. Maybe we start to come up with reasons our loved one passed was because we didnt do enough to ensure they ate healthy. The list goes on.

In Job's story it was'nt Gods will for anything to happen but he allowed it. I know for some that seems confusing but thats more of a separate theological discussion. Jobs friends were convinced Job caused his trials, inaccurately trying to convince Job that HE caused his family's deaths by his own sin. None of this was true.

When we try to make sense of why we are suffering we can sometimes add to our guilt and pain if we are careless. Truth is that bad things happen. Sometimes we can see the evil that caused it and other times we cannot. Sometimes in an effort to regain control over our loss we try to assign it a narrative so that we can have a tangible answer to WHY did this have to happen. Jobs friends had it right when they chose to just listen but when they began to draw up an incorrect explanation as to why this happened, it took Job from remaining positive in the face of his trials to getting him to curse God and beg for death.

Though I used Jobs story to explain this premise, this post is not about Gods will. Its a reminder that if you want to help one through grief, its so important to listen. You dont need to find the right words, just listen first. The other thing is though we are desparate to know WHY did this happen, dont add to your pain by answering that question with ways you cant truly validate. Grief is tough enough. We dont need to make it hit harder. Grief will do that on its own.

01/09/2026

Attn IN PERSON group members:

Check your email and spam folders for info about our next meeting

12/21/2025

Christmas is in 4 days. For most of you reading this you will have already gone through at least 1 holiday or milestone since losing a loved one but for some carrying recent loss, this will be your first holiday or major event you have to cross feeling alone.

I have had some thoughts that have not left my mind over the last few days. Some came from various discussions I have been involved in over the last couple weeks, but some of these thoughts I know were placed in my head by the Holy Spirit. I want to be upfront and say that because for some of you I know that comment is enough for you to stop reading and lose interest in what comes next, but, that may mean this message is more for you than anyone else.

Oh, for the last 3 or four weeks I have been guided to consider the power of our words. I have seen situations where I find our words have more power over things than we realize. My first realization was in speaking with a friend about the stock market. Both he and I invest in various stocks and i could not help but finally erupt in frustration at how the stock market is so heavily influenced not by how well or poorly a company performs at times but in what people are saying about that company or just the stock market in general. With just one social media post, a ceo, the president, or a news organziation can cause a stock to skyrocket or plummet. It does not matter if the company is performing well, poorly, or if there was no change at all in its performance, the stocks price and our wealth reacts to words in this way. A stock I own called ASTS has had days in the last 2 years where it has increased as much as 60 percent in a day, but this company has yet to make $1 in revenue. I have seen a share of its stock go from ten dollars up to ninety dollars just based off of an announcement someone made, and Ive also seen it plummet because of follow up announcements.

I have watched news reports cause people to be afraid to leave the house. Meteorologists cause people to change plans for outdoor events. Ive seen words cause people to lose confidence and create self doubt in their abaility to face a challenge, yet, ive also seen words cause people to overcome amazing hurdles. I have seen people who were afraid to try a new career or be too scared to ask someone out on a date, totally change their lives for the better based off of a empowering and positive discussion they had with someone else who offered positive words.

Yes, words have immense power when you take a moment and look at their effect in your day. So what does this have to do with the holidays? Well, i guess before I type anymore I should lay out my routine disclaimer. Not all of you reading this know me personally, but I am not a therapist or a professional counselor. What I write here is my opinion off of my experiences. That means you have every option to agree or disagree. Now that being said, i will say that I believe our words and our choice and which ones we use will play a strong part in how quickly and effectively you continue to heal through your grief.

I have spoken to more than hundreds of people who are grieving. I used to naively think that anyone grieving wanted to get better and regain a certain level of emotional stability in their lives. I can tell you from personal experience that this is not always the case. I have had quite a few people who have said to me verbally, "I feel broken and sad and I will never be happy again". I myself had said those words back towards the beginning of my walk with grief. I truly believed at the time that there was no hope to ever have light in my life again even though I still had an amazing child, amazing friends, and amazing family. Unwittingly, I was using a framework of words to chart my course for my future.

I truly believe that the more we speak positive or negative words into our lives, the more that those words will develop into positive or negative outcomes. If you wake up in the morning with the mindset of today is going to be a horrible day, i can almost assure you that the day probably will go very badly. as I have written before, no one ever wakes up on the first day of their vacation when they are getting ready to depart on a seven day trip thinking, oh, today is going to be such a horrible day of traveling. Instead they focus on the destination and the goal up ahead. We think of the palm trees and beaches where we are going to, not the aiport lines, crowds, traffic , and frustratiins of getting there.

As we approach this coming week Id ask you to keep a sincere focus on your words. Most of us will fall to using negative words at times by an innocent means but I encounter people who regularly slow down or derail their healing solely based off of the things they say.

My belief with grief is that if you dont want to heal then you wont. Now reading that you might be thinking "Thats crazy. Who DOESNT want to heal?". Believe me, there are more people who dont want to heal than youd think. Some genuinely dont believe they can heal so theyve relented into accepting the role of being broken and "unfixable" forever. They see others who are further down the road of grief making larger strides and they feel that they can nsver get there so they just stop trying. The other case I see is where I was stuck for a while. Early on in my grief i didnt want to feel better. I saw grief as my new bind with who I lost and if I lost the pain and sadness then I lost that last connection my wife and I still shared. Thankfully I was able to learn how to mive forward and not have to move ON. Learning to bring my wife forward with me gave me the awakening to see i didnt have to move on.

If youre grieving Id ask you to ask yourself this. "Do I want to feel better?" If you say no, then thats where you are at and you need to start there and work to getting to want to feel better . That looks different for everyone. Now if you said you WANT to get and feel better, then you have to give yourself permission to do so. This means not carrying guilt that if you feel better or begin to do things you thought youd never do again is like youre abandoning your lived one. You are not.

When I lost my wife I immediately starting making this verbal pact out loud about anything that used to bring us joy. "Im never going to that place again" or "Ill never do that again" because I felt that if I did anything that I used to do with her it would be like I was moving on saying, "See? You werent that important. Its still good without you." Somewhere inside me i felt like healing was disresepctful to her and if I loved her as much as I said I did then i could never take joy in the same things ever again. If this sounds like you, then please consider what im typing as this here will hold back your healing until you address it.

Dont get me wrong. Its totally understandable to not want to do certain things or even celebrate holidays in the 1st year or two. You are undergoing a major life adjustment and it takes time. What im talking about is trying to protect yourself from delaying your healing and happiness by coming to eventually believe that it is a bad thing to get better.

Better. This word here started a whole separate discussion. Over the last few weeks i have said to various people how in time I believe you begin to get better. Im not saying that one day you become "all better" like we would say to a child whose bandaid fell off and their scab is gone. I just believe that we all feel better in time. Im not saying youre healed. Im not saying grief goes away. I truly dont think youre ever 100 percent healed because I believe grief never totally goes away. You will always carry it but in time the weight becomes a little lighter and as such, you begin to feel "better".

Some dont like how that sounds for their own personal reasons. I cant say why any 1 person prefers this word over that. Some would say its partly cloudy today and others say mostly sunny. Why? Do some fixate on the lack of sunshine that clouds often represent or do others prefer sayng mostly sunny because they have hopes of the few clouds in the sky going away entirely? I dont know.

I know this. Guilt is a huge roadblock to healing through grief. At the end of the day we all each have our individual path to walk and have to devide the best way to get from point A to point B. Noone else, myself included, is the gatekeeper to the map of healing that you seek. Our journey is a personal one and one that you have to create your own map for. Some get remarried a year after losing a spouse while others wear black and veils for the rest of their lives. We can make our own maps but we should know about the obstacles we will face regaedless of our route. If we all leave Massachsuetts to drive to San Diego we might have different routes but if we are all driving, we will all have to cross bridges, inclement weather, mountain ranges, tolls, etc. As someone whose now made the drive, I am telling you that guilt is a roadblock that will detour your healing.

For those of faith, the Bible says this about our words.

Proverbs 18:21: "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit" (NIV).

James 3:2-12: Describes the tongue as a small but powerful force, like a bit in a horse's mouth or a small rudder on a ship, capable of setting a whole course for life or destruction, often comparing it to a fire.

Ephesians 4:29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (NIV).

Proverbs 12:18: "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (NIV).

Matthew 12:34-37: Jesus says that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, and people will be held accountable for their words.

As you approach the holidays you are free to say that they are going to be horrible. They wont be the same. Etc. Maybe all of that will be true. The thing is, its ok if it ISNT true. Would the holidays be better with who you lost still being here? OF COURSE!!! After you lose someone it takes a long time before you can find joy in things that brought you joy and memories with who you lost. That doesnt just come back after a year or two, but sometimes it takes work to ever get back. For some it returns gradually. For others it remains hidden until you go look for it and find it. In our search for healing we will have to face many obstacles and guilt can be a very large one. It took me long time before I allowed myself to even attempt certain things that stood a chance of bringing me happiness because I felt ...deep down...that IF I actually DID enjoy myself then that would be the worst thing ever because I was betraying the oath i made to my wife that id never be happy again without her.

The last 2 years she was alive we had started to do a fall time family trip w some friends to Santas Village in New Hampshire. It was so much fun and i had never been until those 2 trips. She passed less than a month after our last trip and our child was 4 at the time. In the years passed my daughter would plead "Dad can we go to santas Village?" to which id say "No, I cant". It took a few years but we booked a trip w 10 of our friends and returned. We had a good time and laughed. I realized that it didnt make me miss my wife less or more, it didnt make me leave her behind. I took comfort in memories of our time there with her and sadness that she wasnt here now, at least, not physically. If you look at the pics of that return trip you realize she WAS there...in every photo. She is in every smile. She is in every face that attended. She was on the mind of every person there and in that she lives on.

I cant promise you that your holidays will be good or bad. We know they will be different, but arent they always anyway? You can have the best intentions to celebrate your loved one and honor them and find that all you did was cry and went to bed at 7pm. Thats okay. My message here is that its okay if you find the coming weeks difficult because they are. Its okay. If youre early on your journey through this then all you can do is try and stay above water. The thing is, at some point the years fly by and its easy to get caught in a routine where we utter the same negative premonitions...we choose the same dark phrases... and for whatever the reason, we find we cant bring ourselves to look for hope, let alone expect it. Noone can uncork it for another. We have to find it when we are ready to seek it. If this year your not ready, thats ok. Maybe next year and if not next, perhaps the year after. Its not the "when" thats important but what matters is that you not abandon the idea that feeling "better" ... that progress... that hope is out there. Ask and youll receive. Seek and youll find. Dont condemn your health and happiness with your words before it even has a chance to improve. Maybe today isnt the day, but one day you can feel better, if thats what you seek.

12/10/2025

When we lose someone we often are left with many questions. They may range from "why did this happen"... "will I ever feel peace again"... and countless others.

Often, the questions we have are ones that others cannot answer. I am not saying that they cant be answered, I am just saying that someone ELSE cannot answer them for you.

Based off of my own testimony, I can attest that I was able to provide answers for my own personal questions that allowed me to take steps forward at times when I felt the most stuck. From what Ive seen with many others, this is something that is truly possible for those with questions seeking answers.

Though there is guidance and ways that you can gather from others in how to seek these "answers", the final result can only be supplied from within you.

Sometimes the reason we feel we go so long without being able to find answers to our questions is not because the answer evaded us but rather, we ignore the answers we need in search for the answers we want.

I am not falling back on the saying "Everything happens for a reason", but I am saying that if you work THROUGH your grief, the answers you seek lie somewhere on the middle of it. If you try to ignore grief... go around it.. hide from it via distractions... it will not lead you to those answers. Those are smack dab in the middle of that dark blob of ugliness we would give anything to destroy. Its messy work, going through grief, but it truly is the only way through to the other side.

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