Rewriting Myself

12/21/2025

Christmas is in 4 days. For most of you reading this you will have already gone through at least 1 holiday or milestone since losing a loved one but for some carrying recent loss, this will be your first holiday or major event you have to cross feeling alone.

I have had some thoughts that have not left my mind over the last few days. Some came from various discussions I have been involved in over the last couple weeks, but some of these thoughts I know were placed in my head by the Holy Spirit. I want to be upfront and say that because for some of you I know that comment is enough for you to stop reading and lose interest in what comes next, but, that may mean this message is more for you than anyone else.

Oh, for the last 3 or four weeks I have been guided to consider the power of our words. I have seen situations where I find our words have more power over things than we realize. My first realization was in speaking with a friend about the stock market. Both he and I invest in various stocks and i could not help but finally erupt in frustration at how the stock market is so heavily influenced not by how well or poorly a company performs at times but in what people are saying about that company or just the stock market in general. With just one social media post, a ceo, the president, or a news organziation can cause a stock to skyrocket or plummet. It does not matter if the company is performing well, poorly, or if there was no change at all in its performance, the stocks price and our wealth reacts to words in this way. A stock I own called ASTS has had days in the last 2 years where it has increased as much as 60 percent in a day, but this company has yet to make $1 in revenue. I have seen a share of its stock go from ten dollars up to ninety dollars just based off of an announcement someone made, and Ive also seen it plummet because of follow up announcements.

I have watched news reports cause people to be afraid to leave the house. Meteorologists cause people to change plans for outdoor events. Ive seen words cause people to lose confidence and create self doubt in their abaility to face a challenge, yet, ive also seen words cause people to overcome amazing hurdles. I have seen people who were afraid to try a new career or be too scared to ask someone out on a date, totally change their lives for the better based off of a empowering and positive discussion they had with someone else who offered positive words.

Yes, words have immense power when you take a moment and look at their effect in your day. So what does this have to do with the holidays? Well, i guess before I type anymore I should lay out my routine disclaimer. Not all of you reading this know me personally, but I am not a therapist or a professional counselor. What I write here is my opinion off of my experiences. That means you have every option to agree or disagree. Now that being said, i will say that I believe our words and our choice and which ones we use will play a strong part in how quickly and effectively you continue to heal through your grief.

I have spoken to more than hundreds of people who are grieving. I used to naively think that anyone grieving wanted to get better and regain a certain level of emotional stability in their lives. I can tell you from personal experience that this is not always the case. I have had quite a few people who have said to me verbally, "I feel broken and sad and I will never be happy again". I myself had said those words back towards the beginning of my walk with grief. I truly believed at the time that there was no hope to ever have light in my life again even though I still had an amazing child, amazing friends, and amazing family. Unwittingly, I was using a framework of words to chart my course for my future.

I truly believe that the more we speak positive or negative words into our lives, the more that those words will develop into positive or negative outcomes. If you wake up in the morning with the mindset of today is going to be a horrible day, i can almost assure you that the day probably will go very badly. as I have written before, no one ever wakes up on the first day of their vacation when they are getting ready to depart on a seven day trip thinking, oh, today is going to be such a horrible day of traveling. Instead they focus on the destination and the goal up ahead. We think of the palm trees and beaches where we are going to, not the aiport lines, crowds, traffic , and frustratiins of getting there.

As we approach this coming week Id ask you to keep a sincere focus on your words. Most of us will fall to using negative words at times by an innocent means but I encounter people who regularly slow down or derail their healing solely based off of the things they say.

My belief with grief is that if you dont want to heal then you wont. Now reading that you might be thinking "Thats crazy. Who DOESNT want to heal?". Believe me, there are more people who dont want to heal than youd think. Some genuinely dont believe they can heal so theyve relented into accepting the role of being broken and "unfixable" forever. They see others who are further down the road of grief making larger strides and they feel that they can nsver get there so they just stop trying. The other case I see is where I was stuck for a while. Early on in my grief i didnt want to feel better. I saw grief as my new bind with who I lost and if I lost the pain and sadness then I lost that last connection my wife and I still shared. Thankfully I was able to learn how to mive forward and not have to move ON. Learning to bring my wife forward with me gave me the awakening to see i didnt have to move on.

If youre grieving Id ask you to ask yourself this. "Do I want to feel better?" If you say no, then thats where you are at and you need to start there and work to getting to want to feel better . That looks different for everyone. Now if you said you WANT to get and feel better, then you have to give yourself permission to do so. This means not carrying guilt that if you feel better or begin to do things you thought youd never do again is like youre abandoning your lived one. You are not.

When I lost my wife I immediately starting making this verbal pact out loud about anything that used to bring us joy. "Im never going to that place again" or "Ill never do that again" because I felt that if I did anything that I used to do with her it would be like I was moving on saying, "See? You werent that important. Its still good without you." Somewhere inside me i felt like healing was disresepctful to her and if I loved her as much as I said I did then i could never take joy in the same things ever again. If this sounds like you, then please consider what im typing as this here will hold back your healing until you address it.

Dont get me wrong. Its totally understandable to not want to do certain things or even celebrate holidays in the 1st year or two. You are undergoing a major life adjustment and it takes time. What im talking about is trying to protect yourself from delaying your healing and happiness by coming to eventually believe that it is a bad thing to get better.

Better. This word here started a whole separate discussion. Over the last few weeks i have said to various people how in time I believe you begin to get better. Im not saying that one day you become "all better" like we would say to a child whose bandaid fell off and their scab is gone. I just believe that we all feel better in time. Im not saying youre healed. Im not saying grief goes away. I truly dont think youre ever 100 percent healed because I believe grief never totally goes away. You will always carry it but in time the weight becomes a little lighter and as such, you begin to feel "better".

Some dont like how that sounds for their own personal reasons. I cant say why any 1 person prefers this word over that. Some would say its partly cloudy today and others say mostly sunny. Why? Do some fixate on the lack of sunshine that clouds often represent or do others prefer sayng mostly sunny because they have hopes of the few clouds in the sky going away entirely? I dont know.

I know this. Guilt is a huge roadblock to healing through grief. At the end of the day we all each have our individual path to walk and have to devide the best way to get from point A to point B. Noone else, myself included, is the gatekeeper to the map of healing that you seek. Our journey is a personal one and one that you have to create your own map for. Some get remarried a year after losing a spouse while others wear black and veils for the rest of their lives. We can make our own maps but we should know about the obstacles we will face regaedless of our route. If we all leave Massachsuetts to drive to San Diego we might have different routes but if we are all driving, we will all have to cross bridges, inclement weather, mountain ranges, tolls, etc. As someone whose now made the drive, I am telling you that guilt is a roadblock that will detour your healing.

For those of faith, the Bible says this about our words.

Proverbs 18:21: "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit" (NIV).

James 3:2-12: Describes the tongue as a small but powerful force, like a bit in a horse's mouth or a small rudder on a ship, capable of setting a whole course for life or destruction, often comparing it to a fire.

Ephesians 4:29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (NIV).

Proverbs 12:18: "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (NIV).

Matthew 12:34-37: Jesus says that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, and people will be held accountable for their words.

As you approach the holidays you are free to say that they are going to be horrible. They wont be the same. Etc. Maybe all of that will be true. The thing is, its ok if it ISNT true. Would the holidays be better with who you lost still being here? OF COURSE!!! After you lose someone it takes a long time before you can find joy in things that brought you joy and memories with who you lost. That doesnt just come back after a year or two, but sometimes it takes work to ever get back. For some it returns gradually. For others it remains hidden until you go look for it and find it. In our search for healing we will have to face many obstacles and guilt can be a very large one. It took me long time before I allowed myself to even attempt certain things that stood a chance of bringing me happiness because I felt ...deep down...that IF I actually DID enjoy myself then that would be the worst thing ever because I was betraying the oath i made to my wife that id never be happy again without her.

The last 2 years she was alive we had started to do a fall time family trip w some friends to Santas Village in New Hampshire. It was so much fun and i had never been until those 2 trips. She passed less than a month after our last trip and our child was 4 at the time. In the years passed my daughter would plead "Dad can we go to santas Village?" to which id say "No, I cant". It took a few years but we booked a trip w 10 of our friends and returned. We had a good time and laughed. I realized that it didnt make me miss my wife less or more, it didnt make me leave her behind. I took comfort in memories of our time there with her and sadness that she wasnt here now, at least, not physically. If you look at the pics of that return trip you realize she WAS there...in every photo. She is in every smile. She is in every face that attended. She was on the mind of every person there and in that she lives on.

I cant promise you that your holidays will be good or bad. We know they will be different, but arent they always anyway? You can have the best intentions to celebrate your loved one and honor them and find that all you did was cry and went to bed at 7pm. Thats okay. My message here is that its okay if you find the coming weeks difficult because they are. Its okay. If youre early on your journey through this then all you can do is try and stay above water. The thing is, at some point the years fly by and its easy to get caught in a routine where we utter the same negative premonitions...we choose the same dark phrases... and for whatever the reason, we find we cant bring ourselves to look for hope, let alone expect it. Noone can uncork it for another. We have to find it when we are ready to seek it. If this year your not ready, thats ok. Maybe next year and if not next, perhaps the year after. Its not the "when" thats important but what matters is that you not abandon the idea that feeling "better" ... that progress... that hope is out there. Ask and youll receive. Seek and youll find. Dont condemn your health and happiness with your words before it even has a chance to improve. Maybe today isnt the day, but one day you can feel better, if thats what you seek.

12/10/2025

When we lose someone we often are left with many questions. They may range from "why did this happen"... "will I ever feel peace again"... and countless others.

Often, the questions we have are ones that others cannot answer. I am not saying that they cant be answered, I am just saying that someone ELSE cannot answer them for you.

Based off of my own testimony, I can attest that I was able to provide answers for my own personal questions that allowed me to take steps forward at times when I felt the most stuck. From what Ive seen with many others, this is something that is truly possible for those with questions seeking answers.

Though there is guidance and ways that you can gather from others in how to seek these "answers", the final result can only be supplied from within you.

Sometimes the reason we feel we go so long without being able to find answers to our questions is not because the answer evaded us but rather, we ignore the answers we need in search for the answers we want.

I am not falling back on the saying "Everything happens for a reason", but I am saying that if you work THROUGH your grief, the answers you seek lie somewhere on the middle of it. If you try to ignore grief... go around it.. hide from it via distractions... it will not lead you to those answers. Those are smack dab in the middle of that dark blob of ugliness we would give anything to destroy. Its messy work, going through grief, but it truly is the only way through to the other side.

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11/27/2025

Many people will spend today missing someone who has passed. If this is you, youre not alone. Im not referring to the hundreds of thousands of people in the world also grieving. I mean that those you carry forward with you can be present today in the memories that are shared of them. They are present in the way you persevere, honoring them. Their light shines as you remind others how important they also are to you.

Thinking of those we lost can be very difficult at times. Sometimes easier to NOT think of them and stay distracted so that we dont succumb to sadness, anxiety, and other burdened emotions.

Today will come and today will pass. Just as you did yesterday, today you will also perservere.

If you can, try to share a story or memory of your loved one with whoever you are with, but if not, its okay. Do what feels right for YOU. Laugh or cry. Talk about those you lost or dont.

Try and be thankful for what you have and try to abstain from focusing on what was lost. Its not easy to do but it is possible. Remember, today isnt the hardest day of your life. You fought that battle and got through it. Today, is just Thursday.

You have got this.

11/21/2025

I think many people who are grieving realize that something that serves as a much needed crutch, through many of the toughest times for us are when we have distractions. For instance, while we were out and about our day, we are busy running errands or at work, and our mind is preoccupied with all of the daily tasks and things we must get done. Although grief still finds a way to weave in and out of our day, we have other things also occupying our thoughts to drown out some of the grief, but when evening comes and we find ourselves sitting at home alone in a quiet house, the lack of distractions amplify the noise and sound of grief in a way that becomes deafening for many.

There is a bible verse, Luke 11:5-10, that tells us about a man who late at night suddenly gets a visitor at his house that he needs to entertain. he was not expecting this person, so he had nothing to serve them. he immediately runs next door and starts knocking on his neighbor's door to ask to borrow a loaf of bread. His neighbor who was already in bed, does not come to answer the door. Still, this man continues to knock knowing that the neighbor inside will open the door either out of friendship or he will realize that he is never going to leave and he will just keep knocking.

I speak with a lot of people every week about grief. Some are people in this group...some are friends and family...others I only know from the internet. I see people handle grief in many different ways. Though there are definitely some ways that one should not go about grieving, most ways need to be unique to the person who is having the experience and charting their own course. As we head into the holidays there are different ways people approach this. Some people who are grieving decide to boycott the holidays and not decorate or go to any celebrations. Others try to go nonstop and just stay busy, busy, busy knowing that if they don't have downtime, their mind will not sit idle and grief cannot take over that free space.

As someone who knows a great deal about always having to stay busy, i want to provide some food for thought that came to me when I was thinking about that parable this morning regarding the man who was knocking on his neighbor's door all hours of the night to borrow bread and refused to go away. Grief reminds me of that neighbor, as when it starts knocking on your door in life, it will not just stop and go away until you eventually let it in. At some point you need to open the door and address who is knocking. Trying to lock yourself away from grief will not help you move forward.

I had someone say recently that they almost dreaded the days they were going to go to their grief therapy. I understand where they were coming from, because who in their right mind can say they enjoy going to talk about grief? However, i asked them to think about it in this way... if you one day decide to join a gym, it is very hard to get into a routine where you consistently go. Usually, what happens is you start off pretty consistent but then start to make excuses as to why you skip a week. Maybe one day you will say that your body is sore and you need time to rest... maybe another time you did not get enough sleep... perhaps there was a bad day at work... then, because we do not want to go through the sweat tears and pain of having to burn those calories off physically we look for other ways to do it. We start to talk ourselves into believing that because we ate a couple salads it offsets the fact that we didn't go to the gym. I switched to diet coke so that will get me healthier. There are lots of things we can do to make excuses as to why we don't want to put in that work, but for those people who have done it, they know that within a short amount of time of consistently working on a fitness routine, your body adapts and it gets easier. people who started off not eager about going to the gym now find it is almost an addiction. I personally know a friend who used to never go to the gym and now starts off every day at 5AM there. BELIEVE me i am not talking about myself here.

The thing is that when we finally let grief in and stop trying to lock it out, we now take control of the situation. Its no longer banging on our door as we try to sleep.... we are facing it... and trying to give it what it needs so that eventually it will go away. If we tried to abstain from that it will not leave us. Now I know we can all agree that it never truly leaves us, but we can have some say in how much more it continues to take. Its easy to get wrapped up of how grief stole our future, but where the real loss is how when we get distracted by the thoughts of a future that once was we now forfeit a present that currently is here.

The holidays can be a turbulent time, especially for those grieving. You dont need to boycott your holidays to lock grief out because what your doing is sacrificing your present, and meanwhile, grief is not going to go anywhere... it's just going to keep on knocking.

So although there's not much you can do when an unexpected guest drops in on you unannounced, you CAN choose to invite your other neighbor over ... that one is named Grace. Allow yourself grace to go through these holidays feeling however it is you feel. As much as you know, it is okay to feel sad you also need to know it is okay to also seek joy during this time of year. Shutting out the holidays or traditions will help no more than turning off the lights and waiting for that person at your door to go away... the problem is grief knows your home. Grief sees your car sitting in the driveway and it's not leaving until you make it leave. Give yourself an early gift. Look at how far youve already come in a short time and allow yourself to be both surprised and proud at the determination and adversity that you have shown. Each step through grief and not around it is another way we honor those we lost by saying they are worth the fight as well as honoring those we still have by showing them they also matter, and we want to give them the best version of ourselves.

Hey, none of this is out of a guidebook, and it is definitely not federal law... just some reflections that I had over the last twenty four hours and if they help anyone see things from a different perspective that possibly brings a little light to your tunnel, then so be it.

11/07/2025

Be sure that while you are trying to block out the bad you allow yourself to let in the good.

11/03/2025

10/16/2025

Sometimes when we do things that give our lives and the lives of who passed meaning, it helps take our focus off of asking why are they not here.

We cant always control how we feel... when the sadness comes on so strong you feel outnumbered... but we can try to do 1 small thing to help ease our pain.

Doing 1 thing today that will yield positive results in the name of who you lost that maybe you wouldnt have done had they still been here is a way to keep their name alive and their effect in this world ever present.

I love hearing people talk about things they have done as they move forward like starting scholarships, volunteering their time, donating blood, etc.

Feel free to share what you did today to honor the one you now carry in your heart.

10/08/2025

Grief has a funny way of turning your life into a before-and-after story. There is who you were before the loss and then there's whoever shows up after. The hard truth is that these two versions of you are not the same person, and they never will be. That's not necessarily bad. it's just different. It's new--It's uncomfortable, sure - but it's also the space where you start to rebuild.

09/30/2025

If you know you are not done experiencing tragedy in this lifetime, why should you be done experiencing happiness?

09/29/2025

Ever think about some of the "remedies" we try to help relieve certain things?

If youre coming down with a cold you may pop extra vitamin c...

If you want to rid the hiccups you might try to get someone to startle you to make the hiccups disappear...

Have an upset stomach, have some ginger ale...

The list goes on.
Now as you read that short example, you may have realized that you tried one of those or at the least youd consider it if need be. BUT WHY?

Well, if you were in one of those situations you may try a remedy like the ones above because of 3 reasons. 1, even if it doesnt work theres no harm in trying, 2, someone you know suggested it because they swear by it and thst it worked for them, and 3, because your desparate.

As you grieve you will be offered many "remedies" for grief. Some may help and some may not. Ive personally recommended a few here and many to people I know. Journaling, creating a memorial, sharing stories of their loved one, and returning to their faith, or Jesus, are all just a few. I cant count high enough to tell you how many people dismiss some or all of these without trying them. The same person who may not hesitate to drink cranberry juice for an infection may balk at the idea that God wants them well and at peace. That individual who believes that taking echinacea will give them energy dismisses the idea that a support group can help them heal.

If youre grieving....and desparate...can I ask, whats the harm in trying something new to help you heal?

So, whats stopping you?

09/25/2025

Decided to share this from my personal journal. Writing like this helps me to retrain my thoughts so I can work through my current grief and be ready for whatever may be next. I hope you find some value in this blog post below. Click the link below to read.