Connected Counseling, LLC

02/25/2022

12/28/2021

I hate to say it, but sometimes there’s an inverse relationship between relational safety and emotional inhibition. ⁣
* The more emotionally safe we feel, the less vigilant we are about ensuring we are polite and appropriate (⬆️ safe ⬇️ polite).⁣
* The less emotionally safe we feel, the more vigilant we are about ensuring we are polite and appropriate (⬇️ safe ⬆️ polite).⁣
The classic example is the kid who keeps their s**t together all day at school and then comes home and acts foolish and naughty for their parent. ⁣
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Sound familiar? ⁣
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Our kids still tend to save their drama for their mama!! ⁣
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Hell, who am I kidding? I still save my drama for my mama.⁣
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In some ways, it’s so lovely that in our most precious relationships, we feel so darned at home that we put our feet up on the coffee table and yawn without covering our mouths, so to speak.⁣
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But, really, it’s a pretty sad paradox that the people who have the most invested in us sometimes get our most raggedy-ass edges. ⁣
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I’ve been posting a lot lately about the emotions that this holiday season can evoke in us... and how 9+ months into this pandemic, we’re all feeling especially threadbare.⁣
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That’s why I don’t feel good about asking you to be all vigilant and monitor-y of yourself. You’ve been through enough this year, don’t you think? ⁣
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So, I’m not going to ask you to do more.⁣
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I am just going to ask you to do different. I am asking you to remember that there’s a world of difference between:⁣
A. Feeling frustrated by a moment.⁣
B. Feeling frustrated by a person.⁣
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I have seen many many situations lately (in therapy sessions... in my house...) in which someone is feeling frustrated by a moment, but they take it out on a person... usually a person they love to the absolute deep depths of the ocean where the sea cucumbers live (that’s how we say it in our family... you do too right? That’s just normal family talk, yes? 🤣).⁣
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If this resonates, don’t beat yourself up. ⁣
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Just see if you can allow yourself to feel helpless and sad and frustrated WITHOUT identifying a target. ⁣
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Lots of stuff in this life just IS. ⁣
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Spare your people by dropping the story and embracing the is-ness of it all.⁣

12/09/2021

It's getting darker and colder, and there's still a pandemic. Oh, and then there's seasonal affective disorder. Here's how to spot it and what you can do.

12/09/2021

12/07/2021

December is often considered a festive month but for many it may signal a struggle. During December we experience the shortest days of the year, limiting our exposure to sunlight and its positive benefits. Learn more about Seasonal Affective Disorder and some tips to help you cope! Visit www.connectedcounselingpa.com to make an appointment with a therapist in Pennsylvania if you need more support.

11/23/2021

Do you accept influence in your relationship?

Accepting influence might look like:
-Replacing "Yes, Dear" with "I hear you"
-Being open to the ideas and opinions of your partner
-Acknowledging that your partner has a valid point of view
-Simply saying, “You are important, and your opinions matter to me even if I don’t agree with you”

Accepting influence is not:
-Complying or going along with your partner in everything
-Forgoing your own opinions, wants, and beliefs in favor of your partner’s
-Agreeing with everything your partner says: “Yes, dear, everything is okay” or “Whatever you want”

Discover research-based exercises to help you and your partner feel seen and heard by starting the Gottman Relationship Coach today: https://bit.ly/3ci5PUO

11/16/2021

We often notice challenging behaviors in our children because our brain is designed to see the negative. It is a survival mechanism.

But when we pause and notice, there are a million things to see and love about our children. Their magic always is ... it is always there.

via .therapist 💕
https://www.facebook.com/The-Mom-Brain-Therapist-114476446613218

10/31/2021

Sunday morning reminder.

07/26/2021

Sharing from Latinx Parenting page. (Which is a must follow page.)

Simone Biles is the GOAT and she is living after experiencing childhood sexual abuse. Her story is a teachable moment for our children about abuse, body rights and boundaries. Thank you Simone for being such a brave warrior! And go TEAM USA!

Simone Biles came on the TV screen.

My husband commented to our girls - “She’s the world’s greatest gymnast”.

I added, “and she’s really brave”.

My 5yo looked at me and asked, “why?”

So I told her.

“Because the American gymnasts used to have a team doctor, who turned out to be a tricky person. He was touching the girls’ private parts. For the girls it was so scary to tell anyone. They didn’t know if anyone would believe them and they were scared they’d lose their spot on the team.

But Simone Biles was one of the girls who spoke up and said what had been happening, and now that tricky doctor is in jail”.

I could see she was still listening, so I added,
“And now, she’s got her own Gymnastics centre, where they make sure the kids are all safe, where their parents can easily watch over them, and they are spoken to kindly instead of being yelled at, which is what lots of coaches do, but it’s not ok”.

My daughter didn’t respond.

She got out of her chair, and watched every moment of Simone Biles’ routine.

⬆️ Teachable moments about body safety and children’s rights are everywhere.

Take them.

(Photo from the Team USA Instagram page, Getty Images).

** Editing to add: please know that this post was never intended as a history lesson. I’ve written word for word what I said to my 5yo - I did my best to simplify the story for her, and I represented that here.

Simone Biles was not the first athlete to speak out, she spoke out later - I don’t think this makes her less brave. People go through their own journeys and speak up in their own time. She has kept showing up. She has pressed for change. All of this is brave beyond measure.

If you haven’t heard the story, or want more information, please watch the documentary Athlete A. Or just Google it. You can find all the details just about everywhere.

The response to this post has been overwhelming.

I hope the key point was clear: Seize the moments to talk to your kids. Be open. There are age-appropriate ways to talk about everything. They are ready for more than you think.

07/22/2021

🙌 Yes! Love this.

Does anyone know who this educator is? Stephanie...? I really hope to credit her. UPDATE: Thank you, Kendra! This is by Stephanie Pinto, who has a group called, Let's Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids: https://www.facebook.com/groups/letsraiseemotionallyintelligentkids/

07/19/2021

Connect with and love your teen through adolescence. Posting via Maternal Wellness Center Grown and Flown

Dear Mom and Dad,

Please stick with me.

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.

My brain is not yet fully developed

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math SAT doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things.

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.

You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.

Please stick with me.

Here’s what you can do for me:

1. Model adulting.

I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.

2. Let me figure things out for myself.

If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.

3. Tell me about you.

I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.

4. Help me with perspective.

Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.

5. Keep me safe.

Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.

6. Be kind.

I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.

7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.

Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.

One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.

Please stick with me.

Love,
Your Teenager
https://trib.al/1bCQs6W