Rebecca McDermott, LMFT

08/30/2022

🌸🌼🌸

07/26/2022

👉 Follow us on Insta! instagram.com/ecofolks/

07/25/2022

There is no track 🛤

06/09/2022

Partner A and Partner B go to a party. On the way home Partner A vents to Partner B about a confusing interaction Partner A had with the host of the party. Partner B feels a rush of irritation and says, “I thought it was really fun. Why don’t you just focus on what went well?” Partner A feel invalidated and judged. Partner B feels deflated and disconnected.

Sigh.

To be part of a couple is to participate again and again in micro-sequences of emotion/meaning/cognition/behavior. I swear, I can take a 30 second snippet of a couple’s conversation and create an hour’s worth of analysis out of it. That’s how many layers and nuances are happening at all times.

One of the keys to a happy relationship is knowing when to slow down and analyze and when to shrug and keep on moving!

In a moment like the one described above, I want Partner B to resist the urge to foreclose on a simplistic narrative: Partner A is so glass-half-empty! I want Partner B to instead be able to get curious about two elements:
1. Why was this conversation with the host of the party so upsetting for my partner? This is the heart of EMPATHIC ATTUNEMENT.
2. Why am I so reactive to my partner’s upset feelings? This is the heart of RELATIONAL SELF-AWARENESS.

By bringing curiosity to both of these elements,
this frustrating moment become an opportunity for intimacy. In the presence of curiosity:
* Perhaps Partner A can come to the realization that the conversation with the host activated old feelings of not-enough-ness that reach back decades. Partner A’s reactivity to the host is fueled more by old insecurity than current dynamics.
* Perhaps Partner B can begin to recognize that their reactivity to Partner A’s upset feelings stems from Partner B’s tendency to hold themselves responsible for the experiences of the people around them. Partner B conflates a loved one’s unhappiness with some failure on Partner B’s fault. Empathy is blocked by emotional over-responsibility.
Bottom line: The responses we have to our partner’s emotions have a lot to teach us about ourselves.

06/08/2022

04/26/2022

We need to allow people to have things that are really good for them without also trying to have those things for ourselves. This can be really hard in a world that’s always asking what’s new and what’s next, but we need to find ways to be at peace with where we are and what we have without always aspiring for more, certainly not when the “more” isn’t even something we really want. We have to make thoughtful decisions about what we want to do.

Great journal prompts included and questions to ask when you find yourself stuck in comparison with others.

Recognizing the difference between actually wanting something, and wanting it because someone else has it

03/09/2022

Baby steps 👣

Ohhhhhhh I love this so much!! 😍😍

03/07/2022

When the conversation turns to the topic of compatibility, I can just feel my energy drop...⁣
* introvert/extravert⁣
* Leo/Virgo⁣
* Morning person/Night owl⁣
Yawn!!! 😴 ⁣
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I 💯 understand the temptation to chase the notion that we can secure ourselves a lifetime of love by lining ourselves up on a set of variables!⁣
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But how much compatibility is enough compatibility? There are literally dating apps now called “Hot Sauce Lovers” and “Mouse Mingle” (for Disney fans). When we start reducing something as complex as a human being down to a set of variables, we feed the belief that we can get love perfectly right & avoid discomfort/disappointment/disillusionment.⁣
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I want to be clear that you are fully entitled to your deal-breakers. But can you promise me this? When you identify a deal breaker for yourself, practice Relational Self-Awareness. Explore the interior of your you-ness & understand that deal-breaker:⁣
* What is the story attached to your deal-breaker? ⁣
* Is that your story or is it your culture’s story? Your family’s story? You friend group’s story?⁣
Ensure that your dealbreaker feels authentic & aligned VERSUS fear-loaded & reactive.⁣
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I invite you to shift from compatibility to story. I often hear couples say, “We aren’t compatible” when they are stuck, going round and round, misunderstanding and feeling misunderstood. Couples therapy (or an e-course like INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS 101 😉) can help them zoom out and remember that narrative overrides compatibility. ⁣
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If my story is that loving you across this difference gives me that chance to learn/grow/flex/extend myself, then I can actually become *grateful* for the differences between us. The “incompatibility” gifts me insights and opportunities:⁣
* To seek what I need elsewhere, taking pressure off you and our relationship to be my everything.⁣
* To practice patience, humility and grace.⁣
* To continue to learn how to love you in ways that feel good for you. And to ask you to love me in ways that feel good for me.⁣
Reflect on your relationship with the notion of “compatibility.” Are you perhaps using it as a way to avoid digging deeper into what you are wanting or perhaps what you’re afraid of?

02/25/2022

Choose to communicate kindness today. “You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you're hurt and angry, and that's the kinder path.” – Julie Gottman

02/10/2022

I help people build new habits & skills for lasting change. You are a product of the habits & skills you practice the most.

When it comes to habits, there’s a pretty clear understanding that different types of habits exist. Good habits help us improve, healthy habits help us feel better, and not-so-good habits might keep us stuck or stagnant. We don’t talk about this enough but skills are the same way— building better skillsets is not just about learning new skills. When it comes down to it, there are already skillsets we’ve become good at through repetition, consistency, and practice.

In order to get better at a new skill, we practice it consistently and devote time and energy to it. Here’s where we stumble: We practice the wrong skillsets and therefore don’t see the results we hope for when building a new habit.

Let’s take the skillset of Perfectionism as an example. I know it’s not typically seen as a skillset but let’s break it down. In order to meet the goal of Perfectionism, which is to be perfect, we practice the skills and habits that get us there. We practice the skill of binary thinking— perfection loves seeing things as all-or-nothing. Under Perfectionism we also practice emotional skills associated with worry and distress. When Perfectionism is viewed as a skill, we can see why we get so good at it if those are the skillsets we spend time practicing. But when we spend our time practising the wrong skillsets, our brain & bodies let us know. Sometimes discomfort is a sign of growth but it’s also a reminder that we are practicing the wrong skillset.

Let’s consider the skills required for compassion & gratitude. When we build habits of compassion and gratitude, we learn to practice a different skillset; one that feels less urgent & is innately more gentle, soothing, and calm. Our nervous system responds to these skills with openness. It feels better.

Reminder: Overthinking, people pleasing & contempt are skillsets too. We have to ensure the skills we are practicing & applying to each situation is actually helping us— otherwise we become someone else. We are a product of the habits and skills we practice the most. 🤍