12/23/2025
100%.
Reactive abuse happens in most narcissistic relationships.
It's one of the most toxic and manipulative forms of behaviour that a narcissist can unleash on their victim.
I've personally had this happen to me, although I didn't realise that that's what it was at the time, and had I realised, I would have handled what came next very differently indeed.
In fact it wasn't until later on when explaining things to someone else that it was pointed out to me that the person who did this to me was in fact a covert narcissist.
I also know others who have had this happen to them and they too, didn't realise at the time, and they too unfairly carried the weight of the punishments, the judgement, the guilt, and the shame all because someone wanted to deflect from being accountable for what caused the reaction in the first place.
Most people aren't aware of what reactive abuse is or how it happens, and the concept of it can be confusing to those who aren't aware of it.
It is NOT abuse from the victim, rather it's an abuse strategy used by the real abuser.
Reactive abuse is when an abused partner in a relationship can no longer take the abuse anymore and strikes back usually verbally, or emotionally as a self-defence coping mechanism.
Abusers know their partner and they know their triggers, and they can manipulate their partner enough to trigger an out of character behaviour or reaction that is effectively a fight, flight, or a freeze response.
Reactive abuse is usually noticeable because a persons behaviours and actions in the very moment of their reaction are extremely uncharacteristic of who they usually are.
They don’t recognise the person they briefly became, and they will tell you that they were not themselves in that moment.
They feel shame, guilt, and remorse afterwards, and are truly apologetic for their reaction.
This reaction slowly builds up over time with the victim tolerating emotional abuse, emotional neglect, disrespect, manipulation, financial abuse and being used for their resources, along with many other constant toxic behaviours from their abuser.
When constant attempts to appease their partner, or to discuss how they’re feeling with their partner doesn’t work, or it continually falls upon deaf ears, it can result in an explosive reaction usually involving yelling, screaming, fighting back, and the victim defending themselves out of a desperation to survive and be heard.
It's the victim finally finding the courage to take a stand for themselves and saying enough is enough, and I can't take it anymore.
This is known as reactive abuse, and the abuser relies on it!
As I mentioned earlier, reactive abuse is NOT abuse from the victim, it's a strategy that the REAL abuser uses in order to avoid accountability for their actions.
The truth is that abnormal reactions and behaviours in abnormal situations, is actually normal!
Reactive abuse is part of the real abusers plan, because they’ll then use this one off reaction to portray the victim as the abuser, so that they can then switch roles and play the victim whilst avoiding all accountability for what they know they've done, but that they don't tell anyone about.
They will even accuse you of being the narcissist (I know this to be the case from first hand experience, because I had that happen to me), but the fact that you felt the shame, guilt, remorse, and were truly apologetic afterwards is the biggest giveaway that you are not the narcissist that they're now painting you out to be.
They're the ones who refused and still refuse to acknowledge or show any form of empathy, compassion, or remorse for how they've made you feel.
Reactive abuse is a manipulative power play specifically designed to negate, deflect, avoid, and deny the ownership of abuse, and unfortunately it often results in the wrong person being blamed and accused of things they have not done, when in reality the real abuser gets away with it through their lies, deception, and continued manipulation of everyone around them.
This is such a manipulative strategy by a very narcissistic person in order to not allow who they really are to be revealed to everyone else, so they can continue their manipulation and abuse by making everyone think that the person they're manipulating, disrespecting, neglecting, using, and ultimately abusing is the problem.
There would not be too many other behaviours that are more manipulative than this!
There are always two sides to a story; not everything is what it seems, and not everyone is who they pretend to be...
~ Mark Smith
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