02/17/2026
Ghosts in the Nursery
-Debra Wesselmann, MS, LIMHP
Psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg wrote a famous essay titled “Ghosts in the Nursery” that enlightened professionals regarding the powerful impact of early experiences on parents’ relationships with their children. Most people think of the impact of childhood experiences on parenting as a problem of “role-modeling.” Indeed, one way we are influenced by our parents as we are growing up is through simple observation. However, our emotional and behavioral responses to our children are much more than learned behaviors. Following are just a few of the ways that I believe we may carry “ghosts” from the past into our present lives as parents.
#1. If my parent was uncomfortable with emotions, affection, and closeness as a child, I may have “shut down” my own needs for closeness – in order to cope. I may have learned to stay a bit distant and to be extremely self-sufficient as a way to avoid feeling rejected or hurt. As an adult, then, I may feel very uncomfortable when my child crawls up on my lap wanting affection. I may be at risk for pushing my child away physically or emotionally, leaving my child with unmet needs for closeness.
#2. If my parent was excessively controlling, I may have grown up with a strong desire to feel some control and power in my life. As a result, I may have a strong need to be in control in my home, at my job, and in my relationships. This need to be in control may interfere with being able to attune to the feelings and needs of my child.
#3. If my parent was anxious, overwhelmed, and focused on trying to get their own needs met, they may not have been present or attuned to my needs. I may have learned to be intense emotionally to get the attention and affection I needed, and this may have become a pattern for me. Thus, I may not be attuned to my own child’s needs, and my own child may be demanding of my attention as a result.
#4. If I was abused in some way as a child, I may carry a high level of hypervigilance. The presence of my child may trigger memories of my own childhood, leading to feelings of anxiety. I may become severely overprotective regarding my child’s safety, I may be intensely reactive to behaviors that upset me, or I may feel unsafe and withdraw in fear.
Journaling, participating in a trauma resolution therapy such as EMDR, or participating in self-help groups can help banish ghosts and free parents to develop healthier parent-child relationships. It is possible to break generational cycles of unhealthy parenting. It is even possible to make repairs. I once worked with an 85-year-old mother and helped her repair her relationship with her 55-year old daughter. It is never too late!
