Heather Gillam - Sisu Lumi Counseling

09/16/2025

09/10/2025

A bid for connection is what Drs. John and Julie Gottman call any attempt or gesture to positively connect with a partner. A bid can be for the purpose of comfort, affection, attention, affirmation, humor, etc.
There are three ways we can respond to a bid:

1. Turning away: missing or ignoring a bid. This is when we don’t hear the bid, don’t recognize the bid, or ignore the bid. Repeated missed bids for connection create problems in relationships.

2. Turning against: rejecting a bid or responding in a negative way. This is another hurtful way to respond to a bid. It can send the message to the bidder that what they need is not important.

3. Turning towards: acknowledging or responding to a bid in a positive way. This doesn’t mean that we should drop everything and fulfill every bid that comes our way. It means that we can respond to a bid with kindness and send the message that the bidder’s needs matter.

Here’s an example:

Bid for affection: “Come cuddle with me.”

Turning away: *no response, ignore, or walk away*

Turning against: “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

Turning towards: “I’m just finishing up what I’m doing, sweetheart, and then I’ll come cuddle with you. Give me about 5 minutes.” Or, “I’d love to cuddle with you, sweetheart, but now isn’t a good time for me. Can we make some time to do that after dinner?”

The Gottmans conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them 6 years later. What they found was that the couples who were still together at the 6-year follow-up turned towards each other 86% of the time. Couples who had divorced turned towards each other 33% of the time.

Turning towards is key. 🔑

Bids also extend to other relationships as well. You can look for bids from family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc.

To read more about bids for connection, check out the blog.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

09/01/2025

I think this would be true for everyone, though especially the neurodiverse.

Neurodivergent_lou

08/21/2025

GREAT explanation on boundaries, rules, standards, and expectations!

08/20/2025

I might be a mix of Meditations and Come As You Are.

Do with that what you will. 😅

Just for fun

08/14/2025

1 in 5 adults who seek mental health services are likely autistic but only less than 1% have been diagnosed.

Something for us all to keep in mind.

Highly encourage watching the linked video to the post for information on history of diagnosis, challenges of diagnosis, and common experiences of the lost generation. ☺️

07/31/2025

06/30/2025

Gentle reminder. And this is true for ALL kinds of relationships as well (friends, family, children, coworkers, service industry, etc).

06/29/2025

These are lovely examples of some relationship check in questions to improve even healthy relationships. We can always grow. ♥️

06/20/2025

100%

They are just notifications that something needs attention.