Conditions for Change, LLC

05/30/2024

Therapy.

06/19/2023

⁣
⁣
Who ⁣
Me?!?⁣
Yes you. ⁣
Dear Me:⁣
Just saying⁣
Been warned⁣
Coming soon…⁣
From everywhere⁣
Perfectly exposed ⁣
Gradually relieved⁣
Of blinding duty ⁣
The judgments ⁣
Expectations⁣
Assumptions⁣
Multitudes of⁣
Never / always⁣
And supposed to⁣
Made into traumas⁣
Wakeful mthrfckrs!!⁣
At just the right time ⁣
Clarifying as they do⁣
Catching up with Me⁣
Ma(r)kers of identity ⁣
Breaking down into⁣
Not so wieldable⁣
Rem(a)inders⁣
Dragging⁣
Behind⁣
Who⁣
???

06/18/2023

Not gonna help you process trauma by plunging you into a specific memory of it. That is not necessary. It’s in fact harmful. Many people come to me saying they’ve been harmed by trauma protocols like EMDR and PE. Likely a therapist didn’t quite establish rapport or teach regulation first, or was just really into inducing an abreaction hoping it would shake s**t up in some beneficial way. Quite a gamble. (I’ve observed and experienced this in a clinician working with me a while back. Was not a good time.) I’m here to say that when rapport and regulation are truly established, instituting a formal protocol becomes as moot as the trauma itself. Read: Your CPTSD has very little to do with the horrible thing that happened to you and everything to do with the lack of proper relating to it by others in your environment at the time. It’s not their fault either - they were triggered shut or nuts by your trauma and all of you dissociated. Problem is, if something can’t be related to, in essence the message being that it can’t have happened, it can’t pass away either. Whatever happened is stored away, remains feared, weirdly suspended, frozen in the psyche. And most importantly tragically, you become afraid of yourself, your memories, your feelings, your own mind. Here we will seek and find the obstacles that were in play way back when and that still keep the truth of whatever your matter hidden. Once the process of hiding, the tradition of dissociation, is met, it loses its power, and the trauma itself, which is long come and gone, finally actually can be.

06/15/2023

I talk about “hyper-independence” with clients in various other paradoxical terms including “the sense of islanding” and “adaptive dissociation” and “being an outlier” or a “traumatized protector or superhero.”

Traumatic experiences can lead to developing extreme independence, even when it is detrimental to do so.

06/15/2023

Just some other light stuff:

***

Made for mud
And sunshine
No more hiding
From either one
Frolicking in both

***

The
Heart
Cannot
Open if it
Won’t dare
To shatter

***

True love and
Genuine joy
Require
(Yield)
Unusual
Empowered
(En)courage(ment)
Spread that 💩 like 🍭

***

Life
Has said
Over and over
If you idealize me
Preferring any part of me
Over all the other parts
I promise to one day
Break you down
Show to you
All the
Good
You have
Been missing

***

I hear
How you
Talk to you
I say it back
You hear it
Much to
Your dismay
Eventually
You cry
Then laugh
Hopefully at
The same time 😂
Once a mark of insanity
Now evidence of raw insight

***

On a run I saw a sign of
Confidence & compassion
In a gold patch of dead grass

06/12/2023

⁣
⁣
Hear ⁣
The truth. ⁣
Yours or mine,⁣
Dirty little secrets:⁣
Bullies abuses affairs⁣
Friends and family plan⁣
I could write books on this⁣
Then I’d be variously shamed.⁣
And THAT is how trauma abides ⁣
For decades generations lifetimes. ⁣
It’s on us to stop the train on a dime. ⁣
⁣
***⁣
⁣
If you ask someone not your therapist to be your secret or to keep your secret and you know the keeping of a secret or the secret itself could hurt someone or if you put someone (especially a child) in the secret keeping position without asking if they want to be or keep your secret, that’s fu**ed up. Stop it. ⁣
⁣
If you are not someone’s therapist and you are someone’s secret or you keep someone’s secret and you know or discover someone could get hurt (including you) by the secret-keeping or the secret itself, that’s also fu**ed up. Stop it. ⁣
⁣
In both cases communication is long overdue. Stop hiding. Risk loss. Rouse courage. Be honest with someone who can help you realize and work with what’s happening. ⁣
⁣
And choose that someone wisely.⁣
⁣
There are logical if not forgivable and maybe even resolvable reasons that countless iterations of beings sleep through lifetimes of lies and secrets again and again. It all stems from fear. And it is the human refusal to face fearsome truths that perpetuates trauma. ⁣
⁣
I can help you sort through the particulars, whatever side of the secret you’re on. In the meantime, for integrity’s sake, for the sake of the potential freedom outside the secret, take the hit, and stop fu***ng lying with someone who can handle the truth. ⁣
⁣
***⁣
⁣
This is not encouragement to take out a billboard and post blunt truth. This is not encouragement to DO anything. It’s about how you want to BE first and foremost in the privacy of your own mind and heart by way of exploring obstacles to integrity - namely your own disavowed deeds and driving beliefs. And then yes it’s about what to do in your life once you extricate yourself from whatever tradition of secret keeping you’ve been groomed guided and bound by.

06/09/2023

⁣ ⁣
Some of my favorite mndfcks:⁣⁣
___⁣⁣
⁣⁣
We can and will have good intentions and terrible impact. Understanding this makes for humility - compromise - peace. ⁣⁣
___⁣⁣
⁣⁣
I know you know what you need to know and you just don’t know it and for that matter I don’t know it either which is a damn good thing and as it should be, as it is. ⁣⁣
___⁣⁣
⁣⁣
If it hasn’t snuck up and bit me in the ass, brought me to tears, broken my heart, been so wispy lovely that I can’t breathe, I don’t trust it. Truth eludes my grasp. ⁣⁣
___⁣⁣
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That I can’t consistently conceive convey convict convince you of anything is the complex content of a clarifying contemplation. ⁣⁣
___⁣⁣
⁣⁣
Insight is crucial and liberates nothing.

06/05/2023

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I don’t think there’s any cure for suffering. I think there’s a way to relate to it with less spin, to know feel and speak it simply, thereby including it as part and parcel and play of sentience, a recurring teachable moment to be appreciated rather than refused, fractured, and projected. ⁣
⁣
Easier said than done. Suffering saddens frightens angers and embarrasses us. So we pass it off or on. It makes a lot of people, including me, money to treat it once it reaches the level of illness or disease. It’s hard to stay the course - until we absolutely have to. And even then… ⁣
⁣
It’s really hard. We want it gone. I understand. ⁣

There are endless ways to suffer and refuse it. I’ve refused my own in countless ways and heard many people with long lists of sins and symptoms, and judgments and treatments for those sins and symptoms, refuse theirs. ⁣
⁣
The relief that comes with fixing one of the things on that list of what we wish weren’t so passes quickly, and suffering’s return is counted a loss, evidence of badness brokenness failure, ours or someone else’s. ⁣
⁣
And the search for a better answer diagnosis provider pill friend enemy partner teacher credential degree diet exercise program, not to mention the suffering, continues... ⁣
⁣
I think suffering can be good news, evidence of caring, longing, clarity, and finally not turning away. Facing suffering is what many say they wish their parents ancestors or past-life selves had done. But again it’s harder than we think. As such, stopping running blaming shaming sedating dissociating, staying with what feels impossible until it really changes, is something we relegate to the top of everyone else’s list. ⁣
⁣
There are happy beings on enjoyable paths - we know I emphasize the hard stuff - and tho unlikely to talk about it, they have suffered, too. I think they stopped fighting the fact of suffering. I think they woke up in the middle of nightmares, and then everything changed. ⁣
⁣A paradoxical journey, this, on which I aim to be supportive, reflecting how much sense people already make, precluding notwithstanding the suffering part.

06/04/2023

Nothing broken here. Pure unconditioned sweetness. Not predictable or permanent. And so, soft and lovely.

06/02/2023

⁣ ⁣
I heard once⁣⁣
That’s not it⁣⁣
That’s it⁣⁣
Try harder ⁣⁣
You try so hard⁣⁣
You’re like a calm sea⁣⁣
You are absolutely insane⁣⁣
I will only go so far with you⁣⁣
I am not afraid of you one bit⁣⁣
You are such a saint⁣⁣
You are an evil tiger fish⁣⁣
You are my person I love you⁣⁣
I will run you over with my truck ⁣⁣
My dogs my sweetest protection⁣⁣
Harming animals in the back yard⁣⁣
Differing by degree clients/me ⁣⁣
At once loving then afraid⁣⁣
Aggressive then guilty ⁣⁣
If we’re lucky⁣⁣
If we’re human⁣⁣
If we are willing⁣⁣
To work with it all ⁣⁣
It must be included⁣⁣
It already happened ⁣⁣
(Or did it)⁣⁣
Good talk!⁣⁣
Then I cried⁣⁣
Until I laughed⁣⁣
With gratefulness⁣⁣
Again and again⁣⁣
Every morning⁣⁣
Some version⁣⁣
So it goes ⁣⁣
So be it⁣⁣
T b h⁣⁣
☀️