11/14/2025
It is hard to believe that humans were taught to let their babies "cry it out" in isolation. Where else in nature do we see this? I can't think of anywhere-
Research shows that many children are sent away in their hardest moments, not because they need space, but because we were taught to fear big emotions.
They’re not being dramatic.
They’re not manipulating.
They’re not giving you a hard time.
They’re having a hard time. And they’re asking, in the only language they have,
“Stay with me.”
Because here’s the truth:
When a child is overwhelmed like yelling, crying, shaking, melting down, their brain isn’t choosing disobedience. It’s losing regulation.
Their mind is learning:
“I don’t know how to handle this feeling.”
“I’m flooded.”
“I need someone calm to help me find my calm.”
“I can’t do this alone.”
And practicing that truth often looks like
clinging to you, screaming in fear or frustration,
or collapsing into a storm they don’t know how to stop.
🧠 According to Siegel & Bryson (No Drama Discipline, 2014), isolating a child during dysregulation disrupts attachment and wires the brain for avoidance, not emotional growth.
When we send a child away during their biggest feelings, the brain doesn’t learn regulation.
It learns shame.
And neuroscience adds:
Regulation is co-regulation first. A young brain calms through proximity, breath, tone, and presence, not isolation. The nervous system cannot learn in fear. It learns in safety.
This means:
Their meltdown is real.
Their fear is real.
Their need for you is real.
Their body is asking for connection, not exile.
And here’s the beautiful part:
Every time a child falls apart, and you stay,
not perfectly, just steadily,
their brain wires for resilience.
🧠 Research on attachment and emotional processing shows that calm presence during dysregulation builds emotional intelligence, distress tolerance, and long-term self-control.
But when we confuse connection with “coddling” or equate isolation with discipline,
we meet their vulnerability with distance instead of support. And that’s where wounds grow instead of wisdom.
Why does this matter?
Because the way you respond to your child’s hardest moments becomes the voice they use on themselves one day.
Will that voice say:
“I’m too much. I should hide.
My feelings are dangerous.
I need to be alone when I’m struggling.”
Or will it say:
“I can feel big things. I am safe.
I am not alone. I know how to calm my body.”
Discipline is not about sending them away.
It’s about guiding them through.
So instead of:
“Go to your room.”
Try:
→ “I’m right here.”
→ “You’re safe. We’ll get through this.”
→ “Your feelings are big, and I’m going to help you.”
→ “Let’s breathe together.”
Because emotional resilience doesn’t grow from solitude. It grows from being held in the storm.
You’re not raising a child who fears their feelings. You’re raising a child who can face them.
One moment of staying, one calm breath,
one safe presence at a time. 🤍
References:
• Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind.
• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.
• Ainsworth, M. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation.
• Feldman, R. (2017). “The Neurobiology of Human Attachments.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences.
• Diamond, A. (2013). “Executive Functions.” Annual Review of Psychology.
