08/11/2021
Do you meditate in stillness, or is movement part of your meditation?
Meditation and Stims
I have always had a hard time finding stillness in my body and mind. As I have gotten older I have realized that some of this is connected to my ADHD.
I generally feel the need for subtle movement like rocking, shaking, and pressing my fingers together. Sometimes I need this movement to focus and sometimes it just happens. I can stop it if I concentrate, but it leaves what I can only describe as a gaping hole in sensation that is distracting at best and most often feels disturbing.
I used to think that I had to be still to meditate, certainly it was what I had been taught about the practice. Sure I had learned about walking meditation and meditation in movement, but I had also been told to avoid fidgeting and find stillness, which seemed so unattainable I thought that I just couldn’t do it.
It is very reminiscent of primary school for me. “Don’t bounce. Don’t play with your pencil or hair.” Throughout my life I have learned to look still, to make my movements small and subtle. Barely there rocking movements, micro-swaying, digging my nails under the nail bed of my thumb, chewing on the inside of my cheek, small acts of defiance. Small tastes of what I needed to feel whole and comfortable.
Once I gave myself permission rock and sway, bounce my leg, or have a fidget while meditating, a whole new world opened up for me. Suddenly I didn’t have the that nagging distraction I could begin to let go and be.
The same goes for my auditory stims, humming, singing quietly to myself, repeating a phrase over and over. I was very hesitant at the beginning but mantra and affirmation meditation has been wonderful for this. As well as finding music to play that give me what I call “sparkles.” Usually one song on repeat that becomes a bit like an affirmation (mountain goats, I’m looking at you). It gives me a sense of well-being that allows me to, for lack of a better term, dissipate.
Sometimes after 5-20 minutes I do become still, and sometimes not. But that is okay. This is how I make meditation more accessible to me. My path is my path and I am done comparing it to others or wondering if I am doing it “right.”
Does stillness come easily to you?
