04/03/2021
For those of you interested in exploring money and relationships, please check out my new page, My Money, Our Money. Here is my recent blog.
On a recent Hidden Brain episode, The Story of Stories, the focus was on how humans make up stories to explain what is happening in their lives. These narratives we construct can be countered by the actual facts of an event, but if we never learn what was really going on we are left with our stories, and we can begin to think of them as facts.
Our brain is a meaning-making machine and its processes have evolved to allow us to survive in a world that is often unpredictable. We want the predictable so we can get on with the business of living, and our brains impose our stories to create stability. This feature of our minds has great implications for how couples might come to fight over their own version of reality. I see this every time I am working with a couple who comes for therapy. They can be talking about the same event and tell sometimes wildly different stories about not only what happened, but also what they believe the emotions and intent of their partner were. I see them get lost in not only asserting their version of the events as the right one, but also their surety that their interpretation of their partner’s behaviors is correct, no matter what the other person says. In this case, people will reject their partner’s story in favor of their own and stand their ground. It isn’t pretty.
Sound familiar? This process is both exhausting and defeating. If we accept that none of us can truly be fully in the experience of the other, we take a crucial step toward accepting our differences and our different stories of the same event. Rather than argue to win the fight over who is right, we might begin to be interested in the parts of our partners that go into making their story make sense. We might be able to be more curious and not take it all so personally.
How can that happen? First is accepting that our brains construct reality based on our own experiences in the world and our brains try to fill in blanks with what makes sense for us. Each person does this. That means you are no more necessarily ‘right’ about the meanings of those exchanges between you and your partner than they are. Accepting that can be a big hill to climb and sadly, I see people for whom being right is more important than being connected, who aren’t willing to be influenced by their partner or accept that they simply have different experiences, thoughts, wants, and desires.
When it comes to tough topics like money, we are also influenced by the stories we heard from our families and from the society we live in. We all construct a story of what money means. We say these are our values and we come to believe that our way is the right way. Many a money fight is about whose values regarding money are ‘right.’ I see the money saver or amasser refuse to accept that the joy their partner feels in buying something might be possible. I see the person who likes to take a risk in investments called out of control by a partner who wants money security. Each is caught in the story they have told themselves about the meaning of money and each want the other to accept their approach.
For today, my hope is that you will dig into your story of money, examining not its righteousness, but the many sources that have contributed to your own values and beliefs. Perhaps knowing these are particular to you and your unique history will allow you to become more interested in that of your partner. Moving away from being right can allow you two to create your money team that honors both of you. Are you ready to rewrite your story?
The Story of Stories. March 15, 2021. Hidden Brain,
The Hidden Brain helps curious people understand the world – and themselves. Using science and storytelling, Hidden Brain's host Shankar Vedantam reveals the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, the biases that shape our choices, and the triggers that direct the course of our relationsh...
