03/06/2024
“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?” - Mating in Captivity.
Our expectations of our partners have never been so high. We often put too much pressure on our romantic partners and have unrealistic expectations for them. We expect a lover, best friend, co-parent, advisor, and more, and people usually can’t fulfill all of these different needs all of the time.
You slowly begin to realize that person doesn’t necessarily conform to your expectations. When these expectations are not met, these become the source of disappointment, resentment, and misunderstanding — and eventually, suffering and pain.
How do we steer clear of resentment and pave the way for thriving relationships?
As Eli Finkel explains, it often involves adjusting our expectations without necessarily diminishing them. Rather than lowering our standards, we might find success in recalibrating them and diversifying our approach by inviting others to contribute to fulfilling our relational needs. And be sure to engage in new experiences together. While sticking to familiar and enjoyable activities can strengthen the friendship aspect, true depth and intimacy often require venturing outside our comfort zones and embracing risk through new experiences with our partner.
