Brian Dugdale Counseling

10/04/2017

An Ode to Mom...5 months late...

You may or may not have noticed. I began writing on this page several months back only to come to a halt in May. The last subject I wanted to write on was mothers. However, I was hit with one of the biggest writer's blocks I've ever experienced.

Let me back up a little...and then even further. This whole last year I took an extensive course on trauma. During this course I was learning how to help others with their own stories of trauma. As any good course in counseling should; the learners were encouraged/required to delve into their own stories. So I experienced a lot of pain and healing as I worked through my story of trauma. My childhood was filled with anger towards my mom. My adolescence and early adulthood was filled with confusion towards myself for having a strange new mix of compassion and less anger. It was this stage of life when I began to learn what my own mother had been through before having children, the choices she had to make in raising us, and what she was challenged with towards the end of her life.

Not much of an Ode so far huh? Well let me try starting now. My mom was incredible. She was super intelligent. I remember watching Jeopardy with her and I listened in awe as she seemingly asked all the correct questions to those strangely worded answers. She was spunky and mostly energetic. We didn't always have a car so we would often walk miles to where we needed to get. She was funny. I have enjoyed making people laugh over the years. If you are one of those people then the credit for my early sense of humor goes to this woman who had a wonderful smile and hearty laugh. She was resourceful. My mom could turn food bank boxes into gourmet meals, stretch a gas tank by riding the clutch, and washing clothes in the sink/bathtub to save money.

My mom had her troubles too. Aside from cancer causing her to only make it to her 51st year of life; my mother had to make many tough decisions. One of those decisions impacted me in ways I will never fully grasp. However, I have learned it was likely the toughest decision she ever made...yet it was the best for my sister and I. When my sister was 13 and I 11; my mom sent us to live in a children's home in Clinton South Carolina.

It was during those years that God not only provided on mother for me; but I had dozens of mothers to look after me. I hated being there at the time. However, as I look back on it, I had the privilege of learning from many diverse, strong, and wonderful women. Some were my teachers and handled my adolescence with grace....mounds and mounds of grace. Some I called houseparent. These women taught me how to do laundry, took care of me when I was sick, and encouraged me. I watched the married women be supportive of their husbands. I watched the single women, some who stayed single even to this day, be just as motherly in care for us and our needs as if we were their very own children. I had some of these mothers literally take me into their home and count me as their own. By that token, I had more brothers and sisters than I can count.

During my college years I was privileged to participate in many multi-cultural experiences and watch women from different races, nations, and backgrounds care for me and those around them. Women who displayed such redeeming qualities.

My mother passed away a year before I graduated college. I'm sad when I think about all the things she didn't get to witness. Two years after that I married the woman of my dreams. She is beautiful inside and out. I watch her daily sacrifice her energy, health, hopes for the day, and countless other things all for the sake of raising four healthy children.

What do I take away from all of this? Blessing!!! I spent almost 2/3 of my life being angry at and even for my mom. Much to my shame I complained about her a lot. I blamed her for a lot of my troubles. She was responsible for a lot of my pain. Yet two things remain true. One, she tried way harder than I think I will ever know. Two, I was abundantly blessed with a multitude of women who tried harder than I will ever know. Watching my wife now I get to see first hand what goes into being a mom.

Who are the women in your life? Do they have children? I know this may sound archaic; yet I do believe women are to be cherished. To be very clear I do NOT mean to be seen as less than. I truly mean that women, with all the wonderful and unique qualities that make them who they are; should be honored. Further I do intend to say that they are more than mom's. However, make no mistake, they are also passing in a most natural way who they are down and around to those in their lives.

Moms...life literally begins in them. They will impact you until your dying day. And chances are, even if you had a very troubled mother, you could find more good in what they offered you than not. Lastly, as seen in my story, even if you don't know your birth mother; there are many women around who you could thank for being in your life...and for what they have done for you.
..even if it's not Mother's Day.

Please feel free to share this. More importantly, start conversations with those around you with what you've read here.

05/03/2017

Some brief thoughts on depression from one of my professors in grad school. I would encourage you to listen to the heart of what he is saying about depression and not get hung up on language or lingo. As usual, if you have any questions or thoughts about what I post here; please feel free to comment below or contact me by private message. Thanks.

https://vimeo.com/215652979

For more Wednesdays rts.edu/site/wisdomwednesday/ Dr. Coffield speaks on the complex issue of depression which he views as having medical, psychological…

04/19/2017

Motivation...

Today I am not very motivated. Last week, I was even less so...but for very different reasons. Today I am not quite sure what has me struggling. Life is like that some times. There are those who believe a person's motivation comes from within. There are those who believe it comes from outside sources. Still there are those who understand it's obviously, but not equally, a combo of both.

For those paying attention, I didn't write a post last week. I just could not make myself get there. I have excuses...want to hear them? Well, you're going to get them anyway. I had the stomach bug. By the third full day of sickness; I just wanted to sleep, not move, and definitely not participate in any activity that required effort or concentration. I wanted to write on a specific topic. I had ideas. I had themes planned out. I had the means to produce...including, technically, the energy to do so. Today I simply feel compelled to share why I ultimately chose not to do so.

I do not ultimately believe that we are meant to live a life filled with the feeling of "having to." I do believe that people get to make choices all day long. I do not believe that a forced choice is always the healthiest. A forced choice often leads to guilt. A forced choice leads to regret and possibly contempt towards the choice or the object of that choice. Wait...I thought we were talking about motivation? Well what motivates you? What choices do you make that prove your motivation?

I have been trying to make healthier and more kind choices for and towards myself lately. Ultimately I chose to not stress about writing a post last week. This choice was incredibly freeing. When I realized that to write a post would be forcing myself to do something I was not ready to do; I realized this was going against my new found stance of kindness towards self.

Are you motivated by guilt, anxiety, fear, love, something else, or a combo of some or all of the above? I actually think our motivations are a choice...in part...but there is the reality that some of those things listed are truths we can't avoid. So the choice then comes in how we seek to deal with those realities. If you are prone to anxiety...can you choose to hold kindness towards yourself? If you are prone to guilt...can you allow a space for that feeling as well as a curiousness that leads to healthier motivation? Can you hold a space to either answer these types of questions for yourself...or not? I have an answer to what I think the greatest motivator is; but I believe the beautiful part is you get to choose whether or not you accept it...

It's FREEDOM!!!

William Wallace got it. He saw that his people had been under the tyranny of rule, fear, and oppression for so long. He was tired of being told how to live. Yet, he didn't try and motivate the people by telling them they had to fight. He appealed to them with freedom.

Until a person feels free there really is no hope for healthy motivation. Anything else leads to the opposite of freedom...imprisonment. The choices in your life will feel like chains keeping you down until you realize you don't HAVE to make that choice...or that if you do make that choice that it was truly yours to make. The question then becomes are you deserving of this freedom? I can long for you all day to believe this beautiful truth...that you are worth the beauty and life found in freedom. I often tell my clients that they don't have to believe a truth for it to still be true. I usually follow that with a demonstration of stating "gravity is not real" and then dropping a pen. Just because I doubt the truth of gravity doesn't mean the pen won't drop. Just because you don't see your worth doesn't mean it's not there. Are you worth freedom? YES!!! Do you believe me? Maybe. Maybe not. I hope you do. Can you allow that freedom and intrinsic worth to motivate you? I hope that for you also.

If nothing else can you choose to share your motivations with others? Can you risk telling a friend or family member what you struggle with and what your unhealthy motivations are? What would it be like if you began to believe the good news others shared about you?

If you don't have others in your life you feel comfortable sharing this deeply with; that doesn't change my belief you are worth being heard. So feel free to share with me; here or by private message.

Also, please share these posts to MOTIVATE others. Thanks.

04/05/2017

Passion....

Right from the beginning I know this word means something obvious to so many people. Yet, it means something differently obvious to so many other people. What does this word mean to you?

I can't think of a better image than the one below to fully describe what it means to me...and overall to all of us. Let me explain. We are all made for passion, desire, hope, dreams, want, AND to have all of those things met.

So many of the issues I work with in counseling surround this issue of passion. Yet, so often, the person I am working with is unaware that even their pain is about their passion. WHAT!?!? Look at the image below. Now think of the thing that you are most passionate about. Can't you see the seeming dichotomy? Aren't you bewildered by the reality that the burning in your heart has a great capacity to invigorate and crush you all at the same time?

Yesterday I took my son to gymnastics. Parent brag moment in 3...2...1...He's really good at it! I asked him what brings him joy. He shared that he didn't know how to answer. He is 12. A lot brings him joy...a lot frustrates him. He's been asked to join a gymnastics team with an opportunity to continue growing in this skill. So we talked about what it means to be flattered. What it means to want to be wanted. What it means to be drawn to be a part of something even when that thing doesn't bring you joy; as well as what it means to be drawn to be a part of something when you are truly passionate about it.

So let's look at the picture again. When you feel that burning, that desire, or that longing for something you want to see come true; how do you hold that heart? How do you treat that fire burning within it? I know I am speaking on the extreme end about desire. So let me attempt to address why...

That great Narnia author C.S Lewis writes elsewhere, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and s*x and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

When it comes to this arena of passion; we are far too often told that we have weak desire. So the self help world says "get up", "go after your passions", blah blah blah. C.S Lewis' argument is the opposite. He says, "we are far too easily pleased." For me that shows somewhere along the way we were taught to put a damper on our dreams. We came to believe that putting others first meant pretending our dreams didn't matter. Some of us were taught directly that we have no value, and the atrocity is; we bought the lie. So, our hearts, as oddly and beautifully defiant as they are; say "well we have to keep hoping...but only so much. Only dream this much so that way, not if, but when we get disappointed; we won't be hurt.

THAT'S A LIE!!!!!

Your heart is oddly...BEAUTIFULLY...Painfully....committed to passion. Your heart will keep you running towards, and away from, and back and forth to those things you are hopeful for. You can't avoid it. Yes depression and anxiety are chemical issues in the brain. However, they are also issues borne out of the unmet desires we all have.

So now what? Well my call to you is to stop pretending. Stop believing what others, and you, have to told you. You are a passionate person. You were meant to be so. Begin the painful processes of looking into this picture. Is the dream burning within you too painful for you to bare? Probably. So tell it to someone else. AAAHHHHHH!!!! "That is too scary to even think of doing. Others aren't to be trusted." you say. Well unfortunately I can't refute you on that one. But go ahead. Try and stop wanting. Your mind and heart, if they haven't already, will try to find a less painful substitute. I won't start listing the vices and multitudes of distractions because you know what they are...especially when you see it happen to others you love. I battle this in my own life. As well, I battle this on behalf of those I sit with until the work we are doing brings them to the point that they realize the dreaming is not going away. The expectations, plans, hopes, passion, longings they have inside aren't going to stop being...if they only mask, damper, or try to wish them away. They also aren't not there just because someone a long time ago tried to crush them. They also aren't not there because you've told yourself enough that playing with mudpies is better than swimming in the ocean.

I'd love to hear what you're passionate about!! I'd love to hear what you're disappointed in...because on the other side of that is where your dreams are. Feel free to share here, private message me...but at the very least tell someone what's burning in your heart. Even though that burning is painful.

03/29/2017

Perspective...

Take a look at this drawing. What do you see? Its meant to depict two perspectives of the same event. Here we see two people experiencing rain in completely different ways. How do you feel about the person on the left? How do you feel about the person on the right? Which one are you more drawn to? Is there one you'd rather be with?

I work with lots of people on both sides of this picture. There are people like the individual on the left who feel stuck. They feel like the rain is against them. They feel judgement when people say, "chin up, there's always sun on the other side of rain.", or "why just sit there? Get up and fix the leaks." Sadly there are also those who want that person to stay where they are so they can have someone to take care of...or even so they simply feel better about themselves. But back to the positive quotes. I'm not suggesting the person delivering the "encouraging" quotes doesn't mean them. I am saying the person sitting in the leaky home may or may not have the same capacity for joy that you do. Now this doesn't mean that being hopeful in tough situations is wrong. Actually, the world needs people to keep hoping. However, I think people in tough situations often need more people willing to come alongside them. Show willingness to simply sit with them. Not try to fix them or their situation as if doing so would make them better. As if doing so would cure the trouble within.

How about that farmer? That rain sure is a blessing for them. So they're super happy right? Well, more than likely. What about the farmer who struggles with anxiety? What about three seasons ago when a wild fire destroyed the crop? Sure the rain feels like a blessing to them now but maybe there's some fear just underneath that hopeful surface. I think the farmer wants the same thing as the person in the leaky house. I think they both want to be known. To be seen for who they are, not for who you or I think they are.

So how do you begin to enter into the life of someone you don't understand? I asked my wife to draw this scenario; but there are obviously multiple ways we differ and react to hard and good times. No one should assume that because they feel one way about something; that everyone else feels the same. If you've been with me in the counseling room; you've heard the answer to the question in this paragraph...CURIOSITY. If we take a position of curiosity with those we don't understand; we have a greater capacity to do so.

Another less encouraged side to curiosity is bravery. Everyone says of the cat that its curious nature got it killed. I tend to think the cat is a brave creature. One that is bold enough to step into the unknown. This fear of the unknown gets us more into trouble than it serves to protect us as we hope it would. What would this world be if we began to reach into the lives of those people that aren't like us? What would this world be like if we lived not as if it's us vs other; but more like it's us and others I don't currently understand? Are you willing? I want to be known...you do too. What would it be like to have someone reach into your world; where you don't feel known, heard, or barely understood? Could you sit with the person on the left? Could you stand with the person on right? Could we do either without even trying to find a common ground but to simply say... "You are worth being with!" If you identify, on any end of the spectrum, with either the left or right picture; could you be so bold as to say to those you feel misunderstood by... "I simply long for someone to sit or stand with me."

Those last two quotes are risky. To give and receive care is risky. What holds you back? If you don't know...ask. Ask those around you for care. Be willing to fumble around and risk for the possibility of being known. It's worth it. You are worth it. As usual, I want to invite conversation. Please reach out. To me. To others around. Put your thoughts on here or feel free to private message me.

03/24/2017

Today I am taking an out because I am at a conference with no time to think through and write a meaningful post. I am however privileged this week to sit with some amazing people; one of whom I want to introduce you to today. Basically it's her fault I'm on this current journey. Please read this article and share with as many people as you see fit.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/women-leaders/2017/march/dream-becomes-reality.html

Cathy Loerzel founded The Allender Center to help people find healing from abuse and trauma.

03/16/2017

Death....

Yesterday I intended to write my update on here but my day got away from me. Why? I spent the day traveling, comforting, and being involved with death. The day started with a marriage session about death (not really but I'll get to that later). I then drove with my son to Atlanta to be with my mother-in-law who just lost her 87 year old brother (age of death matters but doesn't...but I'll get to that later). My son hasn't experienced much death in his life and this will be his first funeral attendance. I work a good bit with people around the subject of grief(which is closely related to death...of course we'll talk about this later) but it was hard for me to know how to begin this discussion with my son.

Since in a very real way death is commonly all around us in various forms; why do we, even professionals who deal with it more than most, struggle to appropriately handle it well personally?

The short answer is I'm not really sure. The longer answer, with more to follow, is I believe it is one of those beautiful and terrible mysteries we aren't meant to fully understand. In essence, I believe we are meant to wrestle with death until we pass on. Its in the words of the the bewildered Hamlet, "But that the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns, puzzles the will." Death is literally happening every second of our lives yet it puzzles us.

I'm not so sure it puzzles us as much as we understand it...and do our best to avoid it. Here's where I want to introduce marriage counseling and it's relationship with death. I'm convinced 99.9% of us go into marriage thinking of the joy and life it will bring and have zero idea of how much we have to give up (read that as die to) of ourselves. This is essentially why I have a profession I truly enjoy being part of. Yet in an odd way it grieves me to have this painful process to help people through. There involves the gist of what I intend to help people wrestle with...the two sided struggle of joy and pain. I believe people begin getting a better hold on their lives when they engage/accept the beauty and the pain simultaneously. One of the toughest things to engage is the grief that loss brings. We lose a hope, a dream, an idea of how things should or could be; then we are surprised when we get angry at the loss. I say don't be surprised. Embrace it. See I don't think it matters what has died, how it died, how old he/she/it was when they died....because it's death. It's meant to be grieved. We're meant to enjoy life and experience pain in death.

So here I say don't hold back. If you find yourself struggling with grief and you can't figure out why; my guess is you lost something important to you...even if you didn't realize it was important.

My question to you all is...how do you experience grief? What keeps you from experiencing it in a more beneficial way to you and those around you? Please don't settle. You're worth more than that. I would love to hear your thoughts on here, private message, or any other way you can.

03/08/2017

As promised I want to begin sharing more thoughts on counseling. More on what it means to me to be a counselor. More on what might help those who read this feel more alive. If you know me, I don't hold back...very well. So in true Brian form; let's dive into the the deep heart of what ails us....SHAME!!!

This is not meant to be an exhaustive journal on any topic. As well, this is not meant to be a place where you or I feel compelled to divulge our deepest darkest deeds. However, I would invite you, along with me; to simply reflect on these topics as they come about. I invite you further to interact here if you are so inclined.

I love this quote by Ann Voskamp, "Shame dies when stories are told in safe places." As a counselor, I cannot express better what I hope to provide for those I sit with. I hope first that you feel safe. I hope also that you feel free to be you...whatever that means. And I hope that shame is utterly destroyed in that safety and freedom.

What is shame? Some of you might be going "duh". Well first I would like to say shame is not something we define enough. We don't like feeling it. We certainly don't like talking about it. And it's one of those things that we all experience but don't admit.

So one thing I see is that shame can be defined as bonding. It has it's own set of rules and consequences. Much like the first rule of Fight Club; the first rule of shame is you don't talk about it. There is no spoken law...THOU SHALT NOT EXPERIENCE SHAME OR TALK ABOUT IT. It's just one of those oddities of life. Everyone feels it, everyone interacts with it(individually and with others), and the vast majority of us don't bring it up. Why? What keeps us from sharing our pain? Well the simple answer is we don't feel safe and free. So just go out and find safety and freedom right? If only life were that easy. But it is. But it isn't. So much of life is simple yet we stay bound. Bound to rules that we were never intended to follow. I would love that each of you would know how valuable you are. I would love that each of you know how worthy of freedom and safety you are. Who do you know that would listen to your pain? Who do you know that would hear your hurts, your doubt, your fear, your wrong doings and the wrongs done to you? Can you see shame in your life? It's ok if you don't want to look. Is there anyone in your life that can look with you? Maybe one of your shames is that you don't have, or don't think you have, anyone in your life to be safe with. Whatever your relationship with shame may be. Whatever is keeping you bound from feeling safety and freedom. I want to lovingly invite you to break off that relationship...because it's an unhealthy one. While so much of what I am passionate about is healing broken relationships; I am equally passionate about helping break the chains of relationships to something so vial as shame.

Please feel free to interact here. If you have questions about what I've written, what the next step of healing could be, your own thoughts on shame, or anything else... Let's talk. No judgments here. Feel free to private message me. Also, please share this with anyone you see fit. Thanks.

03/02/2017

To anyone out there who would care or benefit...I plan to begin a blog-type series on here. I have not been present very much on social media but I want to start helping folks in as many avenues as possible. I already have quite a few topics I plan to share on. However, I would love to hear from you as well. Are there areas of relationship, and the struggles that come therein, you would be interested in knowing more about?

10/04/2016

Studies have shown 20 minutes in the woods can decrease cortisol and blood pressure levels. Get outside today!

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10/01/2016

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