Pamela Weaver Grief Coaching

07/29/2021

Our attachment style affects our grief response as well. I used attachment theory as one of the main theories in my dissertation.

The attachment theory argues that a strong emotional and physical bond to one primary caregiver in our first years of life is critical to our development. If...

05/25/2021

I have experienced child loss through a miscarriage at 14 weeks, a twin son who died 40 minutes after birth at 33 weeks, and a daughter who was stillborn at 30 weeks. I am currently writing my dissertation for a doctorate in clinical counseling. My dissertation topic is on child loss and the title is: The Effects of Child Loss on Marriage: An Analysis of the Factors That Contribute to Resilience and Posttraumatic Growth After the Death of a Child.

I am conducting interviews with bereaved parents about their experience through July 2, 2021. They're done over Zoom and it's super simple to sign up. If you would be interested in participating, or if you know someone else who may be interested, please message me or comment below and I will get you the details.

Criteria: I'm interviewing parents at least 18 years of age, married at the time of the loss but they do not have to still be married, and the loss occurred between 2-10 years ago. There is no restriction on the age of the child or the type of death. Any child loss from pregnancy loss through an adult child qualifies for my study.

04/10/2021

My baby girl, Hannah Gabrielle, is 25. But I've never seen her eyes or heard her voice. She was stillborn. This is always an interesting week for me. Yesterday marks the last day she was alive, 25 years ago. She died sometime that day and we found out that evening. Then tomorrow marks the day I delivered her stillborn. April 11, 1996. But today.....

That's the hard one. 25 years ago today, I spent the day walking around, 30 weeks pregnant, knowing the baby I was carrying had already died. John and I spent the day at the funeral home arranging her funeral and picking out a casket. We also went to the florist to buy flowers for her casket. And then she needed something to wear. That's the hard part. We went to stores to find a doll that had a dress on it that would be appropriate to bury Hannah in. We found one and it turned out to be interesting -- Mom said I had a very similar dress when I was a baby. So there I was, buying a doll for my first daughter. But not so she could play with it. So that she could be buried in the dress. I still have the doll.

Today always has a lot of memories. Even more than the delivery and finding out she died. It was a weird day. I remember being numb and walking through the store and places we had to go, not really smiling, but just checking off the boxes we needed to check so I could go home and mentally prepare to deliver my daughter stillborn the next morning.

The words of this song are beautiful -- gracefully broken.
"I surrender, Use my life for your glory"

"Here I am God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken

My heart stands in awe of your name
You mighty love stands strong to the end
You will fulfill your purpose in me
You won’t forsake me
You will be with me"

So here I am, 25 years later, gracefully broken, and God is using my life story to minister to others. This week I will receive permission to begin the interview process of my dissertation, which is on child loss. I will be interviewing other parents who have experienced child loss. I'm praying that my dissertation will be the springboard for a mighty work God will use to allow me to serve others and share the hope and "peace that passes all understanding" that we have in Him.

God is creating beauty from the ashes...

Tasha Cobbs Leonard official video for “Gracefully Broken”Taken from the album Heart. Passion. Pursuit.Get Tasha Cobbs Leonard’s Latest Album Here: https://T...

10/20/2020

Pearls before swine... boundaries in grief

A common situation people experience in grief is “incongruent grief” or “dissimilar grief”.

What in the world does that mean? Well, everyone grieves differently. I won’t go into all of the factors involved in that right now, but one of the big ones is that even though individuals may experience the same loss, they each have a different relationship with that person. Naturally, that will affect the way each person grieves. So, there may be several children who lose the same parent, but each had a slightly different relationship with that parent and will attach different significance to the loss. As a result, there will be different secondary losses and many other things involved.

Grief often brings out the “ugly” in relationships. When people see others grieving differently than themselves or different than what they think should happen, they may “attack” or “bully” others, berating and treating them as if they are grieving “wrong”. They try to dictate how they “should” be grieving. They try to minimize their feelings or the significance of the loss they are experiencing.

It’s very tragic, but it happens all the time, unfortunately. Right when you are experiencing some of the most difficult days of your life, your natural support system may be making it even harder. It’s bad enough when it is friends or acquaintances outside of your inner circle, but it’s that much harder when it’s family.

So, what do you do?

YOU have control over whom you allow to support you in your grief.
In Scripture, Christ talked about not throwing pearls before swine (Mt 7:6). Now, I’m not saying that those who are making your grief process more difficult are swine….. but I am saying let’s look at that analogy.

What does that mean? Pearls are precious and valuable. If you threw them before swine, they would just trample them. Pearls have no significance to them. They’re just something on the ground and they would walk right over them. They are not precious to them.

Sometimes when grieving (or all sorts of relationship situations), we must choose what parts of our grieving process are our “pearls” and whom we will entrust with them. We don't just throw them out there for anyone and everyone. Some will trample them.

It’s not that you’re going to lie or hide things from others. You’re just putting a boundary down and choosing which parts of your grief process to share with them if it’s a difficult situation. Even if it’s family.

Not everyone has to know every detail or the extent of your struggle with the loss. You want the most helpful support system while you’re grieving. Just like you may naturally have some people you are closer to than others, it’s ok to evaluate your grief support system in the same way.

• So what about your situation? Is there anyone who is not helpful in your grief?
• Are there any boundaries you need to put down?
• What are the “pearls” that you don’t want to entrust to just anyone and everyone?
• Who are the people who would be most helpful and would appreciate and safeguard your "pearls"?

10/16/2020

I ❤️ this! What a great example of supporting others in their loss.

BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS...
“When a mother elephant has a miscarriage, scientists observe she often enters a period of despondency. She changes her behavior in a way that even humans (an entirely different species) take notice and say, “Something has happened.”

And in a matriarchal, elephant community, the grieving mother is not alone. Sisters, aunts, and others in the community have been known to surround her, stay beside her, and touch her trunk in what seem to be expressions of affection.

I just love this and thought it was so perfect for infant loss awareness this month. Community is powerful and so necessary, especially in times of loss.” Katie Haegele (OB Kids Director)

10/12/2020

Does it sound terrible if I say that I enjoy grief coaching? While I don’t enjoy seeing others suffer in grief, my favorite part of grief work is the stories. The first thing I ask grief clients to do is to share their story. It’s such a beautiful and special thing to have those I work with share their stories and memories of their loved one with me. I think it’s actually their own stories that help them to process through their grief and to move forward.

You never know what will trigger a memory, or even a tear. Recently I had one of those moments myself. My mom died of inflammatory breast cancer in 2011. I miss her so much, but what wonderful memories I have of her and our family life.

My memory trigger came in the form of a school lunch menu my kids brought home. I’ll be honest, I forget to look at them most of the time and I’ve been known to make spaghetti or something for dinner that they just had that day at school on more than one occasion. Oops! 🙂

My son’s lunch menu fell off of the refrigerator and landed on the floor in front of me. (I do hang them. I just don’t read them.) Suddenly, it reminded me of my own lunch menus when I was a child. My brother and I would sit and listen while Mom read them out loud to us. She used this really fun, dramatic voice that made everything sound delicious. We would laugh and giggle and ask her to read them again.

I don’t know why that memory came back that day, but it did. I haven’t thought of that in years. Decades, even. I wondered if my brother remembers how she used to do that.

Some stories may be painful, but often memories such as this bring joy. I know I had a smile on my face and a glimmer in my eye as I picked up that menu and actually read it. I also know that when the menus come home with my son from now on, I’ll probably think of Mom each time.

Part of grief work is being able to develop a new relationship with the person we’ve lost. Much of that comes through the memories. They’re no longer here to do life with us, but their memory lives on. We can spend our time being sad for what we lost, or we can be thankful for what we had. I choose to be thankful.

A great way to process through your grief and to honor the memory of your loved one is to tell your story. Writing our memories down is a wonderful way to “keep them” and pass them down.

It never ceases to amaze me when I watch a very sad person sitting in front of me crying and grieving suddenly get a twinkle in their eye and giggle a little as a smile creeps across their face when a cherished memory comes up. Not to make light of grief or their sadness– because it goes back and forth. But the memories are so good for the soul. They’re healing. While I know that not all memories are good and pleasant, I thank God for the gift of good memories.

What about you?

What’s your story? Will you tell it?

10/09/2020

People often ask, "How will I know I'm recovering from grief or adjusting to the loss?"

The grief process is unbalanced. In the beginning, you will probably need more support and all aspects of your life will be affected to a greater extent. You will see changes physically, mentally, and emotionally.

You will never be exactly the same as you were before, as the loss will have an impact on your life, but you will eventually adjust to the loss and your life will adapt to your “new normal”. You will think about and react to your loss in a different way and you will have a new relationship with what you lost.

Here are some examples of changes you may notice as you adjust and adapt.

1. You are able to accept and handle the finality of the death.

2. You can review memories – both pleasant and unpleasant. You may notice that they bring a smile and not just tears as they did earlier in your grief process.

3. You can choose to spend time alone and enjoy it.

4. You no longer cry most of the time when you go somewhere.

5. You are beginning to look forward to holidays and special occasions and no longer dread them.

6. You now help others in a similar situation.

7. You can sit through a worship service without crying.

8. Laughter and humor are now part of your life again.

9. Your eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns are returning to what they were before the death.

10. You are no longer tired. (Grief drains us, and we can feel exceptionally tired.)

You may find that you have a new sense of purpose or meaning for the loss and for life in general. You may become aware of new strengths and see yourself differently. You may also develop new relationships and strengthen current ones.

10/08/2020

Journaling is a very beneficial way to work through your grief. It helps you validate and clarify your feelings. But don’t let it scare you though, there are no rules, and spelling and grammar don’t count!

The left side of your brain is the more analytical/problem-solving side. The right side is creative and more emotional. Often when we’re grieving, the right side of our brain is very active. We want to balance the brain out. Writing out your thoughts or feelings longhand (not with a computer) forces the left side of your brain ( the logical/analytical/problem-solving side) to kick in as it processes how to put your thoughts and emotions into words and sentences. That will bring balance and calm the emotional side down some.

Another benefit of journaling is being able to go back and look at the progress and changes you have made in your grief process. Often we don’t notice it day-to-day as we live it out, but when we got back and look at how our thoughts have evolved, it’s encouraging.

So, grab some paper—maybe a journal, or notebook, or even just some scraps of paper – and begin writing. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Whatever you do is exactly right for you!

How to begin
• Date every entry
• Start writing, drawing, or doodling
• Be honest
• Be open
• Be willing to risk – remember it’s private

Here are a few writing prompts:

1. Captured Moments
Write about an event or place that triggers memories or feelings for you. Examples:
• Revisit a special place
• Doing something your loved one did, or that you did together
• Conversations with others

2. Stepping Stones
Write about times in the relationship
• What we did
• We met…
• We vacationed…
• We dated…
• It was a time when…
• Holidays

10/06/2020

10/06/2020

October 6 – a date etched into my mind forever

Each year I begin thinking of it about a month or so before. I’m not sure why my mind suddenly begins to think of October 6th around September and then it slips back into the shadows of my mind again after October 6th until the next September, but it does.
So why is it so significant?

October 6, 1992 was the due date for our first baby. We were young, married less than a year, and we found out we were expecting. It seems we had barely found out the good news when suddenly the dream was shattered, and I had a miscarriage shortly after.

Little did we know what the future held for us. That this would be the first of 3 pregnancy and infant losses we would experience and that our first 3 pregnancies would result in the deaths of our children. Our second pregnancy would be twins, and one, David, would die about 40 minutes after birth. With our 3rd pregnancy, our daughter Hannah would be stillborn.

But October 6th was supposed to be Christian’s birthday. Instead, the date is always a “would have been, but never was” type of memory. Sometimes painful, sometimes numb, sometimes joyful.

October has been set aside to recognize Pregnancy and Infant Loss. It’s very common, unfortunately. I’ll write about it more this week.
But I wanted to share a little of my own experience with significant dates here. Grief is funny like that. Certain dates and events will trigger a memory. Sometimes with a tear, and other times with a smile. Often with a lot of questions left unanswered.

If you have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, what have you done to acknowledge the life of your child? Do you have any ongoing traditions? Do others know?

To be honest, I don’t think my other children even know anything about “October 6th”. I don’t even know if John remembers the due date. It’s not really something I talk about it, but I silently reflect on it each year. And I have done so for the past 28 years.

We do talk about Christian and acknowledge that they have another sibling, but we haven’t really done much other than that. They know my miscarriage was 2 days before the date the twins were born and 3 days before the date Sam was born. That week has a lot of bittersweet memories for me.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about preserving our story and memories. I want to get more of my story down for my children so that they have the legacy of my memories and experiences when I’m gone one day or can no longer share them.

What are significant dates for you, no matter what type of loss you have experienced?