12/30/2025
https://www.facebook.com/share/1ALqgugkSs/?mibextid=wwXIfr
Growing up Autistic/ADHD, I didn't have friends. My parents TRIED to teach me "social skills," but they were going about things the WRONG way....
Let me tell you why.
(Content warning: brief mention of a mild form of s/h)
______________________________
You see, when I was growing up in the 1980's, kids like me didn't get a diagnosis.
I was verbal, social, and academically skilled.
It was easy to chalk up my differences to being "gifted" and an "old soul."
These weren't major barriers. They weren't even considered to be developmentally noteworthy.
So my parents assumed I would be able make friends at school and camp, just like other kids did.
_________________________
Well....I MIGHT have made friends. But there was a problem.
My parents didn't realize that Neurodivergent kids like me, had
SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT SOCIAL SKILLS
and VASTLY DIFFERENT STYLES OF COMMUNICATION,
that separated us from the crowds of Typical kids.
___________________________
It was technically possible for me to make a Neurotypical friend.
It just wasn't LIKELY.
Kids are often blatantly unforgiving when they spot a peer's differences...
even when those
differences are small.
And during MY youth....
Kids--
with glasses got called 4-eyes,
with red hair got called Carrot Top,
from poor families were called Welfare Tr*sh,
And kids who were gender non confirming got called Fruitcakes, Le***es, Bent, or much worse.
___________________________
So being a nearsighted, Detroit-born, Intersex, ginger kid, I had to develop a thick skin.
Those insults seemed unavoidable.
But also, they DIDN'T hurt that much.
After all....I couldn't DO anything about my need for glasses, or my parents' income.
I couldn't MASK my natural hair color (my parents WOULDN'T let me dye it)
and I couldn't CONFORM to a binary gender when I was BORN outside of the binary.
___________________________
So, after a while, I just ignored those kinds of jabs.
They were just a matter of preference. And there were enough red headed models out there,
glasses wearing teachers,
and celebrities who were gender non-conforming
or from poor backgrounds,
that I had POSITIVE representations of those parts of myself.
Good images to counter all the insults.
_________________________
But it was MUCH harder to tune out insults relating to my ADHD, Dyspraxia, and Autism.
I didn't HAVE positive role models for that kind of stuff.
And worse!!
Caregivers often acted like I could CHOOSE to BE NOT-DISABLED, if I just applied myself with MORE EFFORT.
I cannot begin to tell you how PERVASIVE that theme was, in my youth...
How much self hatred and able-ism I internalized.
________________________
For instance, whenever a peer called me a "sp*z" for needing to dump out my whole backpack on the floor, as I searched for my homework--
I would blush and remember that my teacher was always reminding me to "keep better organized."
After all, my teachers never explained what Executive Dysfunction was,
or suggested that perhaps my "working memory" was weak because I might have ADHD.
Nope.
Educators just told me to use a planner, to color code my folders, and to TRY HARDER.
__________________________
So when a peer insulted me for my mental disorganization, I felt like I DESERVED that insult.
I didn't fight back...not even in my own mind.
And as my self esteem sunk to new lows, my clinical depression made me stand out even more, from my peers...
who snickered at me, as I nervously stuttered and tried to keep up.
_____________________________
As another example....
It was IMPOSSIBLLY hard to tune out the chants of Freak or R*t*rd thrown at me,
when I repeated things to myself.
After all, my parents found my Autistic echolalia to be annoying.
They often told me to "hush."
And even the teachers who thought I had a "hyperactivity problem"
never connected the dots to
realize that like many ADHD kids,
I ALSO had an Auditory Processing problem!
And that I used repetition as a PHYSICAL REGULATION TOOL to calm my body's hyperactivity,
and as a MENTAL REGULATION TOOL to help my mind process new input.
___________________________
*sigh*
I don't know if YOU ever struggled with any form of s/h....
but looking back, I can even remember how painful school was, PHYSICALLY.
After all, I spent the second half of elementary school with canker sores in my mouth...
Ulcers that stung and made it hard to speak intelligibly.
These were the result of trying so hard to stifle the echolalia, that I would ACCIDENTALLY bite my cheeks and tongue.
But my stress-supressed immune system wasn't able to ward off infection.
So I developed lesions that would last for weeks. And I would push at them with my pencil eraser when I felt like I "deserved punishment" for being a "weirdo."
____________________________
And yeah...the nervous stuttering and swollen mouth ulcers DID land me in Speech Therapy--
which was my small, private school's only form of Special Education.
So, I figured when my NT peers called me those slurs like 'Ret*rd" that they were probably right.
I didn't DESERVE friends.
I did TRY sometimes to make some, but it was SO HARD and I never succeeded for very long.
Once they saw my true self and how DIFFERENT I was, they were gone.
_____________________________
But what if my parents HAD suspected I was Autistic and ADHD?
Maybe then, they could have understood that I didn't have INFERIOR social and communication skills...
just DIFFERENT!
Maybe they could have found me OTHER Neurodivergent people to be around--both peers AND older mentors!
___________________________
Because let me tell you something--
I am 44 years old and OPENLY ND.
I have plenty of friends!
Some my own age, some a generation older or younger....
And ALL of my friends are either Neurodivergent or have close family relationships (including marriage) with people who ARE ND.
___________________________
But even better,
you know what?!
My social values, skills, and communication style work WELL with other ND-adjacent folks!!
I DON'T have to WORK at being likable! I don't have to change!
____________________________
I DON'T have to stifle my echolalia,
or avoid discussing my special interest,
or remind myself NOT tell a personal story that relates to THEIR personal story (a common ND way of expressing empathy).
_________________________
I DON'T have to hide the fact that I'm bringing my own safe food to a dinner party....
Or disguise my stims if I need to fidget while someone else is talking....
Or excuse away the fact that I need a moment alone to calm myself so I don't have a meltdown.
And I DON'T EVEN have to over-explain things like my Hypermobile joint pain, panic attacks, and Insomnia.
________________________
Best yet, I DON'T have to wear clothes that set off my Sensory issues!
Nope.
My friends know to expect me braless and barefoot 99% of the time.
And that time I forgot a swimsuit at my Mom-friend, Sadie's place??
Well, she told me that I could just skinny dip if I liked.
It was her private property and her only "law" was comfort.
I didn't take her up on the offer because I burn...but my Autistic 8 year old heard and was n*ked (save for water wings) in Sadie's swimming hole, faster than I could say Mississippi.
And you know what? The ducks didnt mind a bit, and my pants-hating kid was THRILLED. đ¤Ł
_______________________
My point is this--
Your ND Child deserves to have places where they truly BELONG.
They Deserve to have people they can be around WITHOUT masking and lengthy explanations.
They NEED people who can model COMFORT for them, and JOY,
POSITIVE SELF-IMAGE,
and HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.
So if your child's only friends, or their only OPTIONS for friends--
are people they have to MASK for, in order to EARN acceptance....
Then it's time to seek out Neuro-Affirming spaces
and ND Mentors.
Because friendship doesn't have to be DIFFICULT.
And it shouldn't be painful, either.
________________________
Now tell me...have you ever had a friend? A friend you really loved and trusted? ....One you could see more than once or twice a year?
How old were you when that happened for you?
If you are ND like me, I'm guessing a bit later than most folks.
I had an ND Summer camp buddy who was AMAZING, but as for a friend who lived close enough to visit regularly?
I was almost 17 when that happened.
