New Directions For Life

01/10/2026

During a continuing education session I attended years ago with Dr. Gabor Maté, he made the claim that it is an act of violence to try and force an awareness on someone who is not ready for it. I’ve carried that consideration ever since. It is one reason I will never ask anyone to follow this page, or market my therapeutic work in the traditional sense. And yet, it is also true that violence will almost certainly remain in motion for those who need but refuse such awareness and corrective action, as I am routinely reminded of as well.

For example, I had been working with someone recently who wasn’t physically abusive but was capable of severe and very disturbing acts of psychological abuse. The source: extreme childhood abuse and neglect—the very kind discussed in this piece. But the refusal to take such wounding as seriously as it needed to be, and the subsequent refusal to take up the necessary apprenticeship with grief (the work) in order to begin metabolizing that unresolved pain meant his wife and young child would continue to pay the price for what had happened to him (with interest, as is common, through a psychological phenomenon known as a repetition compulsion, which my last post/book recommendation, For Your Own Good, by Alice Miller, expertly articulates). In the end, continuing the abuse until the relationship was completely destroyed was preferred over the truth and the painful vulnerability it would bring.

As I have found the increasing courage necessary to publish the more difficult but important lessons from inside the therapy room, not unsurprisingly, the reactions have also changed. I knew when I was writing this one in particular (likely the most important one I have published to date), that it would also be the most stirring too. The response: the highest praise (almost all in-person or private message, however), and… the least shared by a considerable margin. As I say in the piece, this subject remains very taboo, and I suspect that explains the lack of sharing.

Gabor is right: We cannot force awareness. But through decades of rigorous study and the blessings that came my way inside the therapy room, I can make these important lessons freely available and that’s the path I have chosen. From there, I let the Gods decide who finds it and what happens with it thereafter. I certainly appreciate those who’ve courageously engaged with it and/or moved it along. I know it’s difficult material to reconcile with, and I also know the beautiful world that could be if everyone (yes, everyone) took up the work I’ve long advocated for. Not having much influence over that component, however, has been one of the most challenging aspects of my life.

Over the years I have been blessed to discover many of the reasons that explain the overall lack of progress with regard to the behavioral…

01/08/2026

I'll be adding a couple things to the Resource Library and updating that soon. One idea I've had for a while is to consider replacing a book or two down the road so that there's never more than 10, with the final combination providing anyone who read all of them the best odds of a successful therapeutic roadmap and outcome. And while I was wondering what I might have to cut down the road, there is zero chance this one ever gets the chopping block: It's far too good and important, not only for individuals, but for the species as a whole! And, I just happened to see Amazon has it listed at quite the discount right now, so thought I'd make a quick mention/recommendation for anyone interested.

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence

01/06/2026

Wow! This may be the wisest, most important post I’ve come across: what it means to do “the work,” and what a healing path requires are brilliantly articulated here. This also explains why it’s such a rare undertaking.

Saying “I don’t want to be like my parents” is a beginning —
but it’s not the work.

Because most cycles don’t continue
through imitation.

They continue through avoidance.

Your parents didn’t pass things down
because they were evil masterminds.
They passed them down because there were entire emotional realities
they refused to touch.

Feelings they couldn’t tolerate.
Truths they wouldn’t name.
Conversations they avoided because they threatened the structure
holding their identity together.

So the cycle doesn’t end
when you distance yourself from THEM.

It ends when you stop distancing yourself
from what they never faced.

You break the cycle by feeling the grief
they numbed out.
By sitting with the anger
they displaced onto others.
By naming the harm
they buried under “that’s just how families are.”

This is the part no one prepares you for:

Cycle-breaking is not empowering at first.
It’s destabilising.

Because the system you came from was organised around silence, denial, and emotional shortcuts — and you’re choosing none of those.

You’re choosing
awareness over comfort.
Truth over loyalty.
Emotional honesty over image.

That doesn’t make you dramatic.
It makes you disruptive.

And that’s why it hurts.

You’re not becoming “someone else.”
You’re becoming more you than you were ever allowed to be.

The parts of you that were
inconvenient.
emotionally intense.
perceptive.
questioning.
honest.

Those weren’t flaws.

They were threats to a system that required everyone
to stay emotionally small.

So if this work feels slow, heavy, and lonely —
that’s not because you’re doing it wrong.

It’s because you’re doing the part
they never could.

And that’s how it ends with you.

Not through rejection.
Through confrontation.
Through feeling.
Through refusing to pass it on.

12/29/2025

Hard to believe; I know, but it turns out to be as true as the sunrise.

HOW TO HEAL YOUR TRAUMA

You may think the darkness inside you
is trying to destroy you.
It is not.
It is trying to reunite with you.

The frightening places inside you
are not enemies.
They are abandoned children.
Parts of you that were left alone
for too long.

They do not need analysis.
They need contact.
They need love.
They need you to stop running from them.

Turn toward the darkness.
YOU are the treasure you will find

- Jeff Foster

12/24/2025

Nothing more impressive and necessary: the willingness to engage in honest self-reflection. There is no growth without it and no practice more important, as this sharing demonstrates.

🫣 I'm so embarrassed to talk about this, but my kids remind me of it every. single. year. I can laugh about it now, but I wasn't laughing then.

As a young mom, I always got SUPER uptight right before the holiday. (Right about NOW.) I made detailed lists, big plans, and carefully stocked our pantry in advance for a huge Christmas Day feast.

One notorious day right before Christmas, I went to the cabinet to grab a stash of baking chocolate... only to find that my kids had found it and eaten most of it.

Apparently it had been "one of those days"—or I was in "one of those moods"—because I had a complete melt down right there in the middle of our kitchen. And I mean a bigger-than-your-toddler-or-teen's kind of tantrum.🔥

I don't remember if I ended up making the candy or not. I do remember my husband went to the store and bought more baking chocolate. But by that point, I was mortified by my behavior and had completely lost the urge to make Christmas treats. (I'm sure my kids were too scared to eat them, anyway.)

I hate to go on with the confessions, but I had a pattern of right-before-Christmas melt downs for quite a few years. Most episodes were just as ridiculous as the baking chocolate fit; but what seemed trivial in hindsight felt like the proverbial last straw in the moment.

Eventually, I became aware of the pattern and began doing a bit of self-reflection to figure out WHAT triggered my pre-holiday breakdowns.

In a nutshell, I desperately needed to silence the guilt-driven voice in my head and learn how to live from a place of grace and abundance.

🩷 Grace: I have a house full of people. Things are going to go wrong, go missing, or get messy. Expect it (and scale down the holiday plans).
🩷 Abundance: There's enough time to do what actually needs to be done, but NOT enough time to do everything. "Do what matters and forget the rest." (Emily Ley)

Guilt has always been my biggest nemesis, even at Christmas. But there's grace even for stressed-out, grumpy, over achievers.

(And it's been years since my last holiday tantrum, praise Jesus.)

Relatable? Drop a ❤︎ below so I know I'm not alone!

12/24/2025

…and, a danger to others.

The good news, however: This is where it all starts and where it all will end (if we ever decide to stop arguing/fighting with reality and the human condition at scale).

You were praised for keeping it together. For not crying. For being “the strong one”. Somewhere along the way, you learnt that the safest thing you could do with your feelings was bury them so deep even you could barely find them. Tears made her uncomfortable. Anger made you “ungrateful”. Sadness was “dramatic”. So you swallowed it all down; every hurt, every disappointment, every moment you should have been allowed to fall apart. On the outside, you looked composed. On the inside, your body was paying the price.

Unfelt feelings don’t disappear because you refuse to acknowledge them. They reroute. What you weren’t allowed to express started showing up as anxiety, insomnia, chronic fatigue, tension headaches, stomach issues, that constant tightness in your chest. Your nervous system has been holding everything you wouldn’t let yourself feel, like a pressure cooker with no release valve. You’re not “overly sensitive” for feeling unwell; you’re carrying years of emotional backlog that never had a safe way out.

Suppressing emotions is often framed as maturity; especially in toxic families. Staying quiet during chaos. Smiling through pain. Not reacting when you’re being disrespected. People call that “being the bigger person” or “not letting things get to you,” when what’s really happening is self-abandonment. You disconnect from your own experience so convincingly that even you start to believe nothing’s wrong. Meanwhile, your body keeps sending signals that something is very wrong and those signals get louder the longer they’re ignored.

Letting yourself feel doesn’t make you weak; it makes you honest. It’s the emotional equivalent of lancing a wound so it can heal instead of fester. That might look like crying when you’d usually shut down. Admitting, even just to yourself, “that really hurt me.” Feeling anger towards someone you were taught you’re not allowed to be angry with. At first, it can feel like you’re getting worse because everything you’ve been holding back starts to surface. In reality, it’s your system finally having a chance to move what has been stuck inside you for years.

You don’t owe anyone the performance of being “strong” if strong means silent and slowly sick. Your body has carried enough for you. The most courageous thing you can do now is let your emotions exist, be heard, be released, so you don’t have to keep sacrificing your health to maintain a lie.

12/23/2025

Heartbreaking the amount of times I’ve heard parents describe their children this way without having any idea of their role in creating said “laziness.” 😞

If your child suddenly stops trying, pause before calling it laziness.
Often, it’s a quiet sign of self-doubt growing inside them.
Children fear failing more than they fear effort.
Pressure makes them freeze, not improve.
What they need most is safety, not comparison.
Encouragement builds courage where criticism breaks it.
When effort feels safe, confidence returns.
See the fear. Support the child.
This is how resilience is gently rebuilt.

12/23/2025

When both parents stay grounded, the home feels safe. 🌟💕🏠

12/19/2025

Good analogy.

12/18/2025

Excellent examples and recommendations. And, “help with communication” is perhaps the most common reason for seeking therapy I’ve heard from couples. And in all cases, examples like these were unknown and unconsidered; however, once shown, most still could not apply them. Later I learned that most required more than education alone to employ these techniques.

A closer look reveals the necessary prerequisites that go beyond education: self-regulation and the capacity for vulnerability. And developing those capacites requires interpersonal work, not couples work or education alone, in almost all cases, in my experience.

12/13/2025

This ended up being longer than intended, but because a few people have inquired over the years (and I have not found a way to describe it quickly when asked), I felt the personal case history belonged in this post as well.

And because everyone on my caseload currently is using something within this repertoire of addictive-compulsive defense strategies, I knew I needed to do my best to comment on the subject more specifically than I have in past posts.

I hope those who read it will find it uniquely informative and helpful in understanding a commonly misunderstood topic.

Within a field largely astray, there are few individuals whose overall body of work has been of the caliber necessary to right the ship long…

12/13/2025

As a whole, the field has a long way to go; however, this level of awareness, which is increasing, is wonderful to see! And I often wonder how much I could have saved myself had such information and insight been so accessible when I was first trying to figure this stuff out decades ago…