05/13/2025
What is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness is a natural human response, often triggered when we feel attacked or criticized. Rather than turn toward our partner to hear them, we push back against their communication. We may attack back or criticize the other person in order to shift focus away from our own vulnerabilities or shortcomings.
How does it show up in relationships?
It might look like this: You bring up feeling hurt by how often your partner is on their phone — texting, emailing, scrolling — and instead of hearing you, they fire back with how you're always on your computer or taking work calls during family time.
Or maybe you ask for help with the kids’ homework, and rather than responding to the request, your partner rattles off everything they already do — packing lunches, managing the morning routine, tidying up, and handling the sitter.
In both cases, the core message gets lost in a rush to defend, justify, or counter-accuse, and real connection gets pushed to the side.
Why does it matter?
Defensiveness can become a significant barrier to effective communication and emotional connection. When one or both partners frequently resort to defensiveness, it can create a cycle of escalating conflict and hinder the relationship's growth.
How to work with defensiveness?
Start by noticing when defensiveness shows up and gently naming it — in yourself or your partner — without blame. Then, shift the focus back to understanding each other’s underlying needs, rather than proving who’s right.
If defensiveness is creating strain in your relationship, we’d love to support you at Heights Couples Therapy.
