11/23/2025
The Connection Game: A Competition Where Both Sides Win (At Work & In Your Marriage)
This story is a bit longer, but it is worth the read, as many couples struggle to find peace within their jobs, marriages, and within themselves.
If you read this, you might think I'm describing your situation. That's because most people are experiencing the same challenges, even though it feels like we are the only ones going through them.
I hope this story brings you clarity, connection, and something to be thankful for during the upcoming holiday.
:) Tim
PS, Please reply if you think this story should make it into my upcoming Inner Peaces book.
The Connection Game
Brian was the kind of guy who treated achievement like oxygen. If he wasn't conquering something, it often felt like he couldn't breathe.
He described himself as driven, committed, and passionate. "If I'm not working, it feels like I'm missing opportunities." His wife Jane, on the other hand, had a different perspective.
She said, "Brian is a workaholic. He's never home, and when he is, his mind is always somewhere else. I'm tired of feeling like a single mom sitting all alone waiting for his attention."
Over the last several months, frustrations increased. Brian was feeling the pressure from all sides. His business took a hit, even though he was checking all the appropriate boxes, which generated more stress around money and what might go wrong in the near future if the situation didn't turn around.
That fear pushed him to work longer hours, putting even more strain on their marriage. Brian wanted to spend more time with Jane, but an unrelenting feeling plagued him: if I slow down, everything will collapse, and the best way to save my marriage is to make sure the bills get paid.
Yet, after a series of screaming matches, Brian was given an ultimatum. We work on our marriage, or we dissolve it. Brian loved his wife and didn't want to lose her, so he reluctantly agreed, hoping it would improve her attitude.
A week later, Brian found himself sitting in a folding chair, staring at the lukewarm coffee in a Styrofoam cup. He tugged uncomfortably at his collar, wondering why he was wasting time attending a Workaholics Anonymous meeting when he should be at the office.
Brian gazed around the room, silently judging the others in attendance. "I'm not like these people. I'm not burned out or addicted. I'm responsible."
Jane sat in a room upstairs in the same church. She was attending a Spouses of Workaholics meeting, trying desperately not to cry into the lemon cookie she had grabbed. Jane was a strong individual and didn't need therapy. But she was exhausted and terribly angry with Brian.
Neither Brian nor Jane realized they were about to uncover hidden beliefs that had been running their marriage subconsciously for far too long.
Brian's Meeting
Graham, a man with a calming presence and a shirt that read "Off the Clock," welcomed everyone. “Tonight,” he said, “we’re talking about the seven beliefs that turn high performers into accidental avoiders of the very people they love.”
Brian shifted uncomfortably. "Accidental avoider?" Then, Graham shot Brian a look that said I've heard what you're about to say a hundred times before. "Brian, you're new to the group. So, before we jump in, would you like to share why you're here?"
Brian tried to smile as if this were just another board meeting. “Well, I work a lot because someone has to pay the bills.” Others in the group chuckled softly to themselves as if they'd said the exact same words their first time around.
Brian sank a little in his chair. Thankfully, another guy new to the group chimed in. “I grew up without much support, so I worked 80-hour weeks to buy my kids the best childhood money could buy.”
The group nodded knowingly. “How’d that turn out?” Graham asked, in a compassionate manner. The guy's chin lowered. “My kids don’t seem to remember the trips. They just remember me not being there for key moments. I wanted to be. But something major was always coming up and a lot was riding on my input.”
Silence fell upon the room, and Brian felt an ache in his stomach. He’d been planning a $10,000 Disney trip to “make up” for missing the last three baseball games and a parent-teacher conference.
A tech CEO raised his hand. “I'm not sure how this will come across. But if we are dumping our poison here, I'm not holding back. I feel more powerful at work than at home. Work gives me structure, wins, and progress. At home, my wife is in charge, and I don't know when to step in or hold back. I can't tell her what to do, as I do with my employees. Plus, she makes me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing half the time with the kids, which I do not like.”
The room broke into laughter. Not mockingly, but knowingly. Graham smiled. We've all felt that at one time or another. Work gives us control. Relationships require vulnerability. One fuels competence. The other feels like exposure. Plus, for many of us, we get our security from what we accomplish and earn, and we'd rather feel safe and powerful than broke or broken."
Brian looked at the floor. He didn't view himself as broken by a long shot. Yet, he’d often pulled out the “important meeting tomorrow” card as a shield against dealing with uncomfortable conversations for years.
A fitness entrepreneur chimed in. “Don't I deserve to reach my fullest potential? If I slow down, I won't live up to my destiny.” Graham nodded. “Ambition isn’t the enemy. But if your marriage is falling apart while your inbox is thriving… that’s not destiny. That’s future regret sending a warning shot over your head.”
A sharp-dressed woman with a half-empty Starbucks cup said, “My husband has no ambition. I wish he were in this group. He’s happy just…existing. So I've had to take on everything. He thinks our life is fine and appreciates my success. But I secretly resent him for having to work so hard. It may look like I'm 'living my best life,' but people don't see the constant stress and uncertainty I have to deal with daily."
Graham replied, “We punish our partners for what we haven’t expressed or negotiated within ourselves. Silence turns into resentment. Resentment turns into distance. And then we lose the connection.”
Brian winced. He wondered how much resentment Jane had built up towards him.
A young lawyer shrugged. “This is who I am. My wife knew what she signed up for." Graham glanced over at him and said, "It may be hard to believe, but she married you, not your potential. Our desire to be more is often compensation for not feeling like we are enough already."
The lawyer shifted as if ready to return his rebuttal when Graham quickly moved towards a chalkboard and spun it around, revealing:
7 Beliefs Sabotaging The Inner Peace Of High Achievers
1. "I'm the breadwinner. I MUST provide." (Obligation)
2. "My kids deserve the childhood I didn't get. It's on me to create it." (Compensation)
3. "I feel safer earning money than facing emotional conversations at home." (Security)
4. "High achievers push hard. That's who I am. This is how greatness works." (Ambition)
5. "My spouse doesn't hustle like I do, so if I stop, nothing gets done." (Resentment)
6. "This is my identity. They knew who they married." (Self-justification)
7. "If I slow down, everything collapses. Everything!" (Fear)
As Brian scanned the words on the chalkboard, a wave of recognition washed over him. "Yes. This is how I feel. Does that make me a bad husband?"
Then, as if Graham had read his mind, examined the group and said, "These beliefs don't make us bad people, but they do make you scared, and scared people work themselves into the ground because they don't know how else to feel safe."
Brian shifted in his seat. "Uh, I don't feel scared. I just get stressed because of the constant demands of the job."
Graham replied, "What will happen if you do not meet those demands?" Brian said, "I won't have a job." Graham replied, "And then what?" Brian said, "Then I won't be able to pay my bills." Graham nodded. "And then?" Brian tightened up. "And then I will lose my house." Graham replied, "Continue." Brian leaned forward in his seat, back stiff, and with an edge, stated, "Then my family will leave me and I'll look like a total failure to my kids."
Graham said, "It sounds like you are afraid of losing everything if you're not constantly performing?" Brian sat there for a minute, feeling that familiar knot in his gut.
Then Graham said, "Brian, what would happen then?" Brian squirmed in his chair. He never allowed himself to think that far out. Instead, he'd quickly get himself too busy with tasks to continue.
"Well," Brian gasped. "I'd be all alone again in a crappy apartment, which is how I started. So, I guess I'd say the hell with it and get drunk."
Graham smiled and asked, "What would you do after you got drunk?" Brian exclaimed, "I'd stay drunk because what was the point of all of this if I was just going to find out that I was a loser all along, like my dad said I'd be." Abruptly, Brian sat back in his chair as if wanting to take those words and shove them back into his mouth.
"Brian, does your wife think you are a loser? Or your kids?" Brian relaxed a bit. "No, but I don't ever want them to think of me like that because it hurts, you know." Graham replied, "Yes, actually. I do know how that feels."
"Brian, you are a successful guy by all rights. So, let's say you lose it all and you've been drunk for a while now. What would happen then?"
Brian paused for a while and then quietly said, "Well, Jane would be pretty pi**ed if we lost the house, but she wouldn't leave me. And my kids are the best part of my life, and I know they would forgive me. I'd still have all the wisdom and experience, so I'd eventually stop feeling sorry for myself and rebuild the business. But this time, my focus would be more on strengthening our marriage because Jane had stuck with me through the worst of times." Then he muttered quietly. "She's my security."
Jane's Meeting
Meanwhile, Jane's facilitator, Monique, who had the vibe of a warm therapist and a woman who'd see a lot in her life, asked the group: "What are the beliefs that make YOU suffer in silence?"
The room went quiet. Then one woman bravely spoke up. Then another. As more members shared their ideas, Monique began writing on her chalkboard.
Beliefs That Need Donating Now
"I shouldn't complain. He/she works hard for us." (Minimizing)
"If I ask for more, I'll become a burden." (Unworthiness)
"Maybe I'm too needy. Other people handle this." (Self-blame)
“If I push back, we’ll fight, and I don’t want conflict.”(Avoidance)
"If I were more interesting, more fun, more anything, maybe he/she'd want to be home." (Comparison)
"I can do everything myself. I shouldn't need help." (Hyper-independence)
"If I stop holding it together, everything will fall apart." (Abandonment)
Jane felt every belief like a quiet thud in her chest. She wasn't crazy. She wasn't demanding. She was hurting. She also, apparently, had a brain full of what Monique labeled "head trash."
Across the circle, Monique said softly, "These beliefs didn't come from you. They came through you from childhood. It's old conditioning. But now that you see them, you can choose differently."
"These beliefs didn't come from you. They came through you from childhood. It's old conditioning. But now that you see them, you can choose differently."
Jane exhaled for what felt like the first time that week. As the meetings concluded, both groups received the same assignment. "This week, instead of doing more, let's focus on connecting more. Not to fix each other. Not to analyze each other. No heavy talks this week. Just reconnection. Use the following game to accomplish this with your partner."
The Marriage Connection Game
Goal: Make micro-investments in the marriage that rebuild presence, trust, and emotional safety.
Rules: Each partner earns points for simple acts of connection:
1 Point Each For:
10-minute no-phone conversation
A shared walk
Listening without fixing
Expressing appreciation
A hug that lasts more than 8 seconds
Sending a thoughtful text during the day
Sitting together with a morning coffee or tea
Reading one chapter of a book together or separately
Doing one small act of kindness
Double Points For:
Sharing one vulnerable truth
Turning toward your partner instead of turning to work/avoidance
Creating a mini "date moment" (home counts!)
Staying in the present during conversations rather than reviewing upsetting experiences from the past.
Staying in the moment during conversations rather than worrying about future disasters that haven't happened.
End-of-Week Goal: Whoever gets 20 points picks the weekend activity. Whoever gets 30 picks the next date night. No pressure. Just play.
The Turning Point
After the meeting, Brian walked outside into the cool night air. He felt something he hadn’t felt in years. Lighter. He realized every stressful belief he held came from a place of protection, not duty. They were all old survival programs he never consciously chose.
Brian replayed what Graham said at the end of tonight's meeting.
“If I didn’t choose these beliefs, I can choose new ones and start playing by a more empowering set of rules.”
Jane left her meeting with mixed feelings. She felt like somewhere inside, she already knew this about herself. Jane was also tired of 'playing games' with Brian. "Why do I always have to be the one to change?" Then Monique flashed across her mind. "Honey, if you want to see a change in your world, be the change in your world. I forgot who said that, but it's a good one."
The next morning, Brian didn't sprint to his desk. Instead, he remained at the kitchen table with Jane as they sipped their coffee. It was awkward at first. Brian remained in the moment, but had to constantly waive off thoughts of what needed getting done. "This is what needs getting done," he thought to himself.
Jane decided not to tiptoe around her needs today. She shared one. Just one. Even though it felt like an attack to Brian, like he was letting her down again, he didn't defend, justify, or deny anything she said. He merely listened and then replied, "Okay, I'll do better."
The rest of the week went better. Brian focused on scoring points and kept his attention on that, rather than on whether Jane was following the rules of the game.
They didn't become a perfect couple overnight. But they became a more self-aware couple who found love beneath the exhaustion. They also continued to attend most of their program meetings to avoid relapsing into old habits, though this happened occasionally.
The Moral of the Story
You don't reconnect a marriage, or any relationship, by working harder. You change it by understanding the beliefs running the show. Once you identify the unconscious programming, you can choose a new set of guiding beliefs that lead to greater connection, trust, and happiness.
"The goal of life is to make the unconscious conscious. Otherwise, it will rule over you, and you will call it fate." Carl Jung
You got this...
:) Tim Shurr
