02/17/2026
I've noticed some common themes in couples therapy. These include:
- Not speaking your needs - Many assume that their partner should know what they want and like after all of this time together, and so they don't tell their partner what they like, dislike, want, and need. Instead, they grow bitter when their partner does not meet this expectation...again...and again... and like a fruit rotting on the vine, the relationship will wither.
- Forgetting to spend time with the You, Me, and Us of the relationship. If we remember it as 3 entities in each couple, it's easier to see how much attention, time, and effort you are putting into each one.
- Not considering your part in the dysfunction. This is a big one. Many come in and say, "If only they would change, we would be better," but you can't control another person. It's hard to look at a dysfunctional situation and identify ways you added to the problem or things you could have done differently, but you have the power to change your part, so why not put your effort into that!
- Judging your partner instead of understanding them. "You are so lazy!" This is a judgmental statement, there is no empathetic understanding or curiosity in it. Instead, consider thinking, "I wonder what has made it hard for them to be motivated today? I wonder what they are struggling with?" When we can see our partner through a curious and empathetic lens, we are less likely to be reactive and angry with them.
