Susan Woodard Psychotherapy

01/10/2023

When I work with couples, I often have them show me how they fight. I’m not concerned that they fight. All couples fight and/or disagree. I’m more interested in helping them learn to fight fair. I want them to understand that fair fighting is not like a street fight were anything goes and survival is the goal but is instead more like sparring partners in a boxing ring. In the boxing ring, sparring partners are working together to be better. In fair fighting, even though it may be difficult, the couple is working together to ultimately have a better relationship. Here are some guidelines to fair fighting:

1. Invite your partner into the arena/conversation. “Hey, I have something I want to talk about. Is now a good time? If not, when could we set a time to talk?”

2. Keep it simple. Don’t bring in everything that has every happened. Focus on one specific event.

3. Describe concrete behavior, how you were impacted, and what you need going forward. “Remember when you left the dishes in the sink after you agreed to wash them. I felt angry and disappointed because I was counting on you to take care of that. It would help me if you would wash the dishes the same day. Could you do that?”

4. When you ask your partner for a desired response, they get to decide if they can do that or not. In the example above, the partner was asked if they could wash the dishes the same day. Now they get to respond. “I don’t always have time at night because I’ve got other things to do. Or I’m too tired. What you’re asking isn’t always realistic for me to do.”

5. Focus on a win-win solution. Always remember, if the partnership doesn’t come out stronger, it doesn’t matter who proved their point. “What can we do to make this work for us. If I’m cooking, how do we get the dishes done in a timely way.” “Could I let them soak overnight and finish up tomorrow? Does that seem fair?” ”I feel stressed seeing the kitchen messy.” “Could you let the messy kitchen go a little longer so we could focus on ‘we’ time?” Notice both sides are working towards a common solution, not on winning.

6. If the discussion gets heated and isn’t productive, agree to take a timeout with a specified return time. “I don’t think we’re getting anywhere. Let’s take a break to think about this and come back in an hour to try again.”

7. Name calling, belittling, or threatening your partner is always out of bounds behavior and requires an immediate time out.

8. If the issue is too hot to handle, find a couples therapist and work on the issue only within the contained space of a therapy session.

Hope this helps. To better fighting (and better solutions) in the coming year!

12/15/2022

Your feeling are okay. And you’re okay having feelings.

The allegory of the or illustrates how we sometimes respond to unavoidable pain (dart no. 1) with fear, frustration, or by judging, shaming, or being hard on ourselves (darts no. 2, 3, 4, etc.). This compounds the suffering we experience. The good news is we can avoid all th...

12/14/2022

It’s that time of year again. The time of year to perhaps set, revisit, or strengthen boundaries. As the year closes out there may be many expectations and pressures placed on you. Boundaries help keep relationships safe and sustainable.

They are almost never easy, and they often receive some pushback. However, just because boundaries are uncomfortable does not mean they are wrong to set.

Here’s what some boundaries may look like:

✨”No thank you.”

✨”I’m not interested right now.”

✨”I can make my own choice.”

✨”I don’t feel like we have to revisit that.”

✨Choosing to keep some thoughts private.

✨Not taking on the responsibility to fix someone else’s feeling.

✨Allowing moments of boredom to exist and not feeling like you have to entertain.

02/28/2021

The AAMFT Clinical Fellow Designation indicates a therapist has completed the rigorous training standards for independent practice of marriage & family therapy and are held to the highest ethical standards. Clinical Fellow Designees demonstrate specific education, clinical training, and supervision....

09/28/2017

"Toxic people who are in denial love associating themselves with people who make them feel comfortable with their dysfunctional ways. Thats why I have the most respect for those who acknowledged their toxic behaviour and recovered/ changed. Not only are they mentally aware of the problem and value their future more than the discomfort of change, but they don't want to be a source of pain for others either. Accountability is a trait of the strong minded. All respect to you." - Meggan Roxanne

A toxic person depends on others for validation and blames those who point out the toxicity. This trait of blaming others is expressed in the recovery community as “if you spot it, you got it.” In psychotherapy, we call it projection. The traits we criticize in other people are, in some measure, the traits in ourselves that we have banished to the shadows. It takes great courage to face our flaws.

09/22/2017

“You have to care about your work but not about the result. You have to care about how good you are and how good you feel, but not about how good other people think you are or how good people think you look.” (Amy Poehler, in Yes Please)

When you allow others to define you with their expectations, we give away our own power. We can relational AND self directed. Being true to our own values is the beginning of integrity.

09/21/2017

Change is always part of our lives. We are stagnating if we are not changing. The question is do we embrace change as an intentional movement away from the things we don’t like about our lives? Yes, there may be many seemingly insurmountable obstacles in our lives that we may not know how to change. If we don’t try, we give in, we give up – and our spirit dies. Pick one small thing. Pick a direction. Look for a way to change. Look for the people who can help you make a change. One step. And then another.

08/26/2017

Boundaries are about where you end and where the other person begins. Boundaries are essential to our identity, our well-being, and our relationships. Boundaries remind us to take responsibility for ourselves, our feelings, and our actions and to leave others to take care of their selves, their feelings, and their actions.

The basic rule for setting a boundary has four parts: 1) When I see or hear (be specific), 2) I felt (not I thought) 3) I prefer and 4) if the behavior continues I will.

For example a boundary might sound like this: "When you raised your voice and blamed me for the way the family dinner went, I felt resentful, I prefer you talk quietly and ask me to help you resolve the problem, if you continue to yell and blame, I will choose not to participate and will leave the room."

This way of communicating takes practice so think about the troublesome situations you get into over and over then prepare a boundary ahead of time. Write it down. Practice saying it to yourself then say it to the other person at a time when they might best be able to hear it. Just remember when you set a boundary, the most important part is to back it up. Make sure you set a consequence (Step #4) that you're absolutely willing to do.

If you're having trouble setting boundaries and would like to do some work on them in therapy, visit my website at www.susanwoodardtherapy.com and make an appointment.

Susan Woodard provides Jungian based counseling and therapy services for individuals & couples in and around Jackson, MS.

08/09/2017

We are not what has happened to us, we are what we chose to become (paraphrased from Carl Jung). Jung reminds us that even though we are all part of family, social and cultural systems that have undoubtably helped to shape us, ultimately as adults we are responsible for our own lives. If we are unhappy with our circumstances, there is almost never someone waiting to rescue us and if there were, they would have their own agenda. We must take charge of our own life and happiness. If you are interested in being more intentional about your journey through life, go to www.susanwoodardtherapy.com to contact me about setting up an appointment.

02/11/2017

It can pull you out of the hustle of daily life --- and into meaning-making.