04/07/2022
I also posted this on my blog, but thought I should post it here as well:
It’s an understatement when I say that the past two years have been the worst years of my life. If I were to write about every little thing that happened, this post would turn into a novel with a long timeline included. An abusive relationship primarily marked the past two years of my life, where I fell in love and moved in with someone who did nothing but emotionally and physically torment me, who took all the money I had, alienated me from my friends, not being allowed a key to my own home, made me depend on him and have my world revolve solely on him…who flaunted his self-diagnosed BPD around as a crutch from the moment I met him, which he used to gain pity and convince me all he needed was someone who wouldn’t give up on him. You know, like all his exes - some of whom I have since spoken to only to discover that this was a pattern. Well, one of two patterns. The other being the fact that all three of his long-term exes are teachers.
I knew deep down that I needed to get away from him, and I recognized the signs from my gods and the universe telling me to get away but I ignored it all. I eventually listened the first time I left before I foolishly ignored my inner self and the gods once again, letting him convince me that he would stop hitting me, stop calling me names, and ultimately seek help for his behavior. Spoiler. He didn’t. Even after that, it took me months to realize that he would never change.
I could easily dwell on it all - the deep depression and all the anxiety it put me in. But I will not, at least not right now. I am at the stage in my healing journey where I’ve accepted everything that has happened as a part of my life. And I’ve since turned my healing journey from focusing on the trauma to repairing the relationship I have with myself and my friends.
Originally, I tried to rush things, pretending that I was fine and nothing ever happened and instead I tried jumping back into life, this website and everything else that was going on. I couldn’t be alone with thoughts. I couldn’t let myself process everything that had happened, from having knives pulled out on me to being locked outside in the middle of winter. Essentially, I think I was looking for distractions so that I didn’t have to address what happened and the anxieties that developed in me. I couldn’t let myself ask any of these questions: How could this have happened to a witch? To a clairvoyant? To a tarot reader? Why didn’t I listen to the world around me? Why did I do this to myself?
I’m just lucky always have my furbaby, my constant companion, the most wonderful husky in the world at my side.
I will talk about it one day, though, to show how anyone - no matter how strong and independent, even a little witchy or clairvoyant they are - can be susceptible to these kinds of trauma. I know I’m not the only one of us who has fallen into this cycle, and I want you to know that I am here to listen to you and support you.
I spent the past few months putting my life back together and I’m not fully there yet, but I’m ready to come out of my shell. I’m ready to be the Wild Wyrd Witch again.
