02/17/2021
So, I typically try to only post positive things here. Motivational. Inspirational. But, I also think that one of my strengths as a teacher is the fact that I am always very real and very genuine with my students... So this is me being real. And I may try to start being "real" here a little more often....
Something that I will often bring up while teaching a yoga class is self-acceptance, self-love. Honestly, I've really been struggling with that lately. It's hard to be teaching a virtual class and seeing myself on the screen right now. I really just look SO fat... And I hate it. It makes me hate myself. And as I say those words to my students about loving themselves, it's not truly sinking in to ME.
2020 was HARD on my body. I try to not use scales in my house because of my past eating disorder & my issues with food. My brain can get a little obsessive about things. So I don't look at my weight, typically, except when at the dr. But I know I've gained weight. I'd guess I gained 20 in 2020.... Honestly, not sure if it's 20, but it feels like a lot. Additionally, up until the last year or so, I always looked pretty young for my age. There's been a rapid decline where I now definitely look my age, maybe even older than my age.... Youthful Jill is no longer who I see in the mirror. Those Zoom classes really make me notice all of this way more than I want to.
So it's hard.
And getting back into a routine to do something about the weight gain has been hard! I was FINALLY finding that in the fall... I had started attending a couple yoga classes as a student. Then, the latest frustrating mandate from the city started requiring face coverings at yoga studios and gyms. My favorite class was no longer an unperson option. I tried to make up for it and started going to a hot yoga class once or twice a week. I did that up until the week or so before Christmas. I haven't been back since then.
And as time continues on in this messed up sort of way, yoga studios have closed. In person classes are very limited. And it's just SO hard to, once again, get motivated!
The thing is: I LOVE TO GO TO YOGA!!!! (as a student). And the fact that the world is interfering with that, with what "that" normally looks like to me, is very, very frustrating.
So last night, I was thinking to myself about how I need to look at things differently... I need to find a new routine. The way things were a year ago are simply not an option right now... So I'm going to try to start fitting in a little more yoga on my own, it's not as much fun. And when I'm at home, I don't really get to enjoy anything like savasana, but I can at least get the physical benefits of it.
In the meanwhile, I will continue with that struggle to see myself on the screen with my extra pounds, my wrinkles.
