Carla M Ingeborg, LCMFT, LMFT

Carla M Ingeborg, LCMFT, LMFT People do not live in isolation; they live in families, in communities, in marriages, in friendships, essentially in relationships.

One of the strongest and most odious punishments that may be given to criminals is solitary confinement. Being alone and growing old alone is a fear that has been shared with me many times. Family is held up as a sacred institution, yet for many people family is a stressful, uncompromising, or even dangerous place. As a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFTs) I am a Mental Health professional who focuses on relationships. The definition I am working from here is that, relationship is what occurs between people who are somehow connected. It could be very obvious (parent and child, wife and husband) or it could be broader (extended family, challenges with a deceased parent). Relationships are the give and take between people or groups of people. MFTs focus on relationships because that is where we see the symptoms of many of the problems that bring people to therapy, and problems that happen in relationship are very difficult to approach individually. For instance, a person may bring a child in for services because that child is being defiant at home. Working with just that child we may be able to help them identify their feelings and learn to communicate more helpfully with their parents, then we send them home and learn from the parent that now another child is acting out. This would be because we are working on a symptom of a problem and not on the cause of the problem. The child who is acting out may be an anxiety binder for the family, once that child is not in their usual role that role is handed to another family member. In working with the whole family, the root cause of the anxiety is more likely to be addressed, and nobody gets painted as the ‘bad guy’. There is no ‘bad guy’ because the problem is in the relationship and not with a single person, every person in that system contributes to and is hurt by the problem. Focusing on relationships takes the blame out of the room in therapy. If every member of the family sees that they have a hand in the struggles that happen, then there is no identified patient. Challenges that occur in relationship are very difficult to address outside of relationship. Talking to an individual about their jealousy is not as helpful as having the entire family present when a sibling shares that they are jealous of their step-siblings. Once the relational issue is highlighted each member of the family can have a voice around it. When we send the family home, the member who experienced the jealousy may have a better understanding of how their step-siblings feel as well as a bigger picture of the hand that everyone plays in the family’s functioning. Individual problems have relational outcomes. For instance, a person who struggles with an Axis I or an Axis II disorder will probably have relational challenges. Helping the rest of the family understand the challenges that the individual faces can help the family function better, and relieve tension around the diagnosed individual. This is also true for families in which one or more members struggle with disabilities. The disability does not only affect one member of the family. Our connections to other people are essential to human beings, when we suffer injury in our relationships it profoundly affects day to day life. MFTs help people by working where the injury occurred, instead of in isolation.

01/06/2023
01/06/2023

Helpful reminders from Stacie Swift for .

01/03/2023
10/11/2022

lovely!

07/31/2022

Graphic Credit: .therapist

03/15/2022
Perspective shift.
11/26/2021

Perspective shift.

I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert:

“Some years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during rush hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired people who were deeply irritated with one another, with the world itself. Two men barked at each other about a shove that might or might not have been intentional. A pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat. Rage was in the air; no mercy would be found here.

But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the intercom."Folks," he said, "I know you have had a rough day and you are frustrated. I can’t do anything about the weather or traffic, but here is what I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my hand to you. As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand, okay? Don’t take your problems home to your families tonight, just leave them with me. My route goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by there later, I will open the window and throw your troubles in the water."
It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces gleamed with surprised delight. People who had been pretending for the past hour not to notice each other’s existence were suddenly grinning at each other like, is this guy serious?
Oh, he was serious.

At the next stop, just as promised, the driver reached out his hand, palm up, and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand just above his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm. Some people laughed as they did this, some teared up but everyone did it. The driver repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the next. All the way to the river.

We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it is extra difficult to be a human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day that lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money, friends, faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the news, and you become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything seems cloaked in darkness. You long for the light but don’t know where to find it.
But what if you are the light? What if you are the very agent of illumination that a dark situation begs for?. That’s what this bus driver taught me, that anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasn’t some big power player. He wasn’t a spiritual leader. He wasn’t some media-savvy influencer. He was a bus driver, one of society’s most invisible workers. But he possessed real power, and he used it beautifully for our benefit.

When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in the face of the world’s troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What can I do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I can’t personally end all wars, or solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely different creatures. I definitely can’t control traffic. But I do have some influence on everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn each other’s name.

"No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I believe this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated, one bright act of grace at a time, all the way to the river."~~

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

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