02/02/2026
**warning long post and can be triggering!**
something that isn't talked enough about is when you do your trauma work, when you get to safe place in your life, when you learn how to connect your brain and body, when you are no longer living in survival mode, that it's like opening pandoras box on everything you have ignored, hidden, that is hidden from you, and you just didn't know about will show itself with a vengeance!!! it can be so overwhelming, feel like what in the hell did i do, and that your body is falling apart. its scary and at times feels like you are getting nowhere. all i can say is be kind to yourself, be patient and find what helps you! be your own best friend because that is what you are going to need in those moments that you are alone! today is my first day of a long journey in front of me. i went to my dr last july and was like i don't know what's happening but here is my list of symptoms that are kicking my a$$! if you do not have a great p*p that is the first thing you need to get. someone on your side that listens no matter how crazy your symptoms sounds! be your own advocate and speak up and use your voice! no body else will do this for you! today i just finished 2 mris, one with contrast and one without. we are looking at my eyes, brain and neck. tonight i have my sleep test, tomorrow i have appointment with gi dr to get upper endoscopy. next week i go to seattle uw opthalmology and neurologist. the following week i have sinus surgery. the following week cardiologist and the first week of march dermatologist. i have already had ct scan, seen allergist, went to gyno/urologist and have had multiple blood work/panels done. i also got genetic testing on my own and have referral for genetic dr. this all started last year after i was sick for almost 2 months with pneumonia and they couldn't say what was actually wrong. from there my body just seemed to fall apart. my vision got really bad and now have multiple glasses, i have vertigo, dizziness and passed out first time in december. i am so tired and sleep and rest just doesn't help. i have trouble swallowing and my sinuses are completely blocked. i may have cerebral spinal fluid leak and ct showed intracranial hypertension and empty sella syndrome. i have raynaud's syndrome but also tingling and numbness in fingers and losing strength in my hands. i have reactions to so much different foods that i have a fear of eating. which makes me not eat often and not the greatest foods i choose but they don't make me sick. i have seen allergist and nutritionist and others for this. i have a spot on my face that all of a sudden changed and goes back n forth on what it looks like. i have incontinence and pelvic floor issues that i'm referred to pelvic floor therapy. i also hit menopause and am now on estrogen replacement therapy. i also have autism, ocd, cptsd, adhd and chronic depression. some days i just want to hide from the world and myself and some days i am a warrior on the front line for myself and those around me. in 2022 i had a breakdown that i didn't know if i was gonna make it back to the world or end up in a straight jacket on the psych ward the rest of my life. i have a 26 year old son and an 18 year old daughter that were my reason to fight to come back to the world. i had friends that stayed with me on my journey and i had ones that dropped off. i completely wiped out my belief system and foundation and started to create my own foundation that would never fall out from underneath me again. i have worked hard to get to 2026 and to build the person i am today. i have watched both of my kids continue to build their own lives and will inspire me every single day. i have friends that i now call my chosen family. i have been a drug alcohol counselor, i have created 2 businesses that have helped so many people that i can't even count. i have turned my trauma into resiliency that i didn't even know i had. i will continue to learn how to take care of myself and learn to listen to what my brain and body needs. i will continue to build a life i am proud of and will be a safe person, safe place for those that feel they are alone or just don't fit in the world. i am working on new things i will be doing this year and the years to come. i will love myself and my body and treat it the best i can but also forgive myself for the things i struggle with. i am sharing this in case anyone has similar stories. you are not alone and my advice is to learn to be your best friend, be the love you may have never known or felt, and make sure you are having fun, laughing till you p*e yourself and cry when you need to! here is to this next year and journey in creating your authentic self!
