01/25/2023
Today I am celebrating 5 years without alcohol.
What a journey it has been! This morning I sat with feelings of elatedness, excitement, pride, shock, impressed, stunned, dazzled, amazed, astonished, respect, awe, and maybe a bit of flabbergasted and dumbfounded. Full range feelings and emotions!
The end of my run with drinking was very low, very dark, and honestly a bit scary. I didn’t recognize myself anymore, even though I was still recognizable to the outside world. It’s an interesting duality, to feel invisible, yet to still be seen.
I’ve said this before, that deciding to change your relationship to alcohol does not need to involve a rock bottom. Also having the understanding that everyone’s bottom is different. But I had reached mine. I was absolutely, totally and completely spiritually bankrupt, and I was just waiting for my body to catch up (turns out she’s a super resilient little thing!)
Honestly, I’m super proud of myself for making a decision and sticking to it. There have been PLENTY of opportunities in 5 years to choose otherwise. But the way I felt when I decided to be done altered the chemical make-up of my body and consciousness. I was changed the moment I decided.
I’m grateful I went down as hard and as fast as I did so I could start living again. Sometimes I wonder where I’d be today if I hadn’t hit that rock bottom. How much longer my drinking would have continued. But truthfully, I guess I don’t really need to think about that or try to figure that out, I just get curious about it sometimes. Instead I’ll just be super grateful that I chose life at the exact moment I decided to. Divine timing.
Life without abusing alcohol (aka numbing out) is actually very complex. It’s uncomfortable feeling uncomfortable, awkward, out of place. And it’s uncomfortable experiencing full-spectrum emotions and feelings, especially in the beginning. BUT, it was and still is extremely empowering every time I made it through these feelings by being fully committed to the process and experience, persevering, and holding myself in gentle compassion versus reaching for the easy button / f* it flag / check out.
This path I’ve chosen has made me so incredibly strong and resilient. There is literally nothing I can’t do because what felt like one of the hardest challenges of my life - I succeeded at. And eventually, you find where you belong, and you wonder why you avoided it for so long.
I trust myself now and I trust in the knowing that I can do hard things.
I trust in the knowing that I am safe in the discomfort.
I trust in the knowing that my mind and my heart can actually work together to cultivate anything that I want.
I trust myself to make loving kind choices for myself, and not only trust but I honor, love, and respect myself enough to do so.
There are times when the romanticization of alcohol creeps into my awareness. How could it not? I don’t live in a bubble. Alcohol is everywhere and we’re surrounded by messaging encouraging us to drink with the promise that it will enhance our lives. That was true for me until it wasn’t, yet the marketing is good! The conditioning is deep. The patterns existed. And so I just need to ask myself, is this really true? Is this the messaging I want to sign off on, or, do I want to tune into the messaging of my highest self?
Luckily I’ve collected enough evidence over 5 years to know that I actually didn’t need alcohol to enhance a single one of my experiences. The weddings weren’t any less fun, the dinners any less enjoyable, the vacations less full. Today I have total body awareness. I know exactly what I’m doing. I remember it all. I’m not wasting any precious energy deciding, debating, lying, hiding, manipulating, remembering, fixing, apologizing, regretting, and recovering.
I am free.
So here’s my message to you: The exact sensation that you are afraid of is what is going to get you to where you want to go. That nudge you’ve been trying to quiet? Maybe tune in and listen to it.
The biggest and best and most impactful lessons I have learned all came from taking risks. Deciding to live alcohol-free felt like a risk. And yet it’s the reason I have everything I have today.
When you’re more committed to the results you want more than the reasons for why you’re not ready, worthy, or capable of having it, then you become an unstoppable force.
You can have anything you want the MOMENT YOU DECIDE.
Here for you. I didn’t embark on my journey alone, you shouldn’t have to either.
Thank you for 5 years! It’s good to be ALIVE.
