Dr Kathy Nickerson

Dr Kathy Nickerson Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Author, Affair Recovery & Infidelity Specialist
More at: https://linktr.ee/drkathynickerson

03/11/2026

Replying to - let's talk more about this. Why is it important to call cheating a character flaw? Why is it valuable to label infidelity this way? How is it helpful to affair recovery? I think calling it a character flaw is judgmental and unhelpful, especially when that comes from a professional. Labeling in this way, especially when done by a partner or a therapist, stops cheaters from doing the work necessary to change their behavior.  let me know your thoughts.

03/11/2026

with . Sarah Hensley | Love Doc - there is not a single journal article or professional clinical resource that says cheating is a character issue. While everyone has the right to their opinion, if you present yourself as a clinician your opinion should be based on science, not a judgment of someone's character. I certainly don't believe I am perfect or I have all the answers, but I do believe in looking at the research and trusting what the research data has to say. As someone who has spent thousands of hours over the last 25 years with this population, I think I've learned a thing or two about what makes them tick. Cheating is complicated and nuanced and if what we want to do is help people avoid cheating, we have to be willing to look at all the gray areas. 

03/11/2026

with . Sarah Hensley | Love Doc - there is no clinical journal, psychological textbook, or research article that supports the viewpoint that cheating is a character issue. You can go to Google scholar and prove this to yourself. Additionally one of the most consistent research findings from psychology, neuroscience, and behavioral science is that intense psychological or physical pain can prompt someone to override their value system. We all like to believe that we will act with integrity when we are in very complicated moments. But research shows us that integrity goes right out the window when we are in psychological or emotional distress. For evidence of this see the Milgram experiment from Yale and the Zimbardo experiment from Stanford. If we want to help people stop cheating, then we have to start by understanding the behavior, it is far more complex than a character issue. 

03/11/2026

Replying to - one of the most consistent research findings from psychology, neuroscience, and behavioral science is that intense psychological or physical pain can override your value system. Many people who cheat or have an affair are in psychological pain and do not know how to deal with that pain, so they choose the affair as a painkiller. I am not justifying it, I am explaining it. Almost all of us abandon our integrity when we are under psychological or physical pain. If you want to prove this to yourself, check out the Milgrim experiment from Yale or the Zimbardo experiment from Stanford. 

03/10/2026

Calling cheating a character issue makes my skin crawl! Not only because it's wrong, but because it's judgmental and it's intellectually lazy. There is no clinical research or journal article or modern textbook that says: cheating (or affairs, infidelity, or betrayal) is a character issue. Calling this behavior a character issue is not an analysis, it's a judgment. And judgments don't help anyone grow change or heal.

03/10/2026

To save your marriage, you have to learn to stop taking your partner's pain personally. When they share their hurt, your instinct might be to get defensive and explain your intentions. But to truly heal, you must lower the shield. Listen to understand, not to rebut. Validate their feelings and give them lots of reassurance. When your partner feels heard and reassured instead of fought, the path to reconnection finally opens.

03/10/2026

If you are unsure whether or not you are crossing a boundary, ask yourself this: Would you feel comfortable seeing your partner doing this with someone else?

Similarly, would you feel comfortable with your partner witnessing you do this same thing with another person? If the answer is no (and if you would feel the need to explain, downplay, or hide the context) then you already have your answer.

Betrayal often starts in these gray areas of emotional intimacy. When you keep specific parts of yourself for your partner, but then give those parts to someone else, it is a betrayal of their trust in you, and you create an environment where your partner is no longer safe.

03/10/2026

If you cheated on your partner and you're trying to help them heal, it's very important that you validate what they're feeling right now. Be open with them and invite them to talk about their feelings. Listen for those feeling words like "sad" or "angry" or "scared" and then validate what you hear. Say something like, "Of course you feel sad right now. It makes sense that you would feel scared and anxious after what I did." We need to be able to talk about what happened in order to heal from it, and showing your partner that you understand exactly how they feel and the impact it has had on them will go a very long way.

03/09/2026

Have you gone through the disclosure and polygraph process after discovering complex betrayal or s*xual addiction?

If you have, I’d really love to hear about your experience. Did the process feel helpful for you? Did it support your healing?

Lately I’ve been hearing from more and more people who say the process was difficult or even harmful for them, and that made me pause. I still believe that, when done well, this process helps many people move toward truth and healing. But I’m always interested in learning from real experiences.

If you’ve been through disclosure and a polygraph, please share what it was like for you. What worked? What didn’t?

I want to make sure I’m recommending approaches that truly help the majority of people. Let’s talk about it.

03/09/2026

You absolutely can heal after infidelity, betrayal, an affair, or cheating. What you believe is possible greatly influences your trajectory. Several studies suggest that a significant proportion of couples choose to stay together after infidelity. Four studies found that 60-75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair (Gordon, Baucom, & Snyder, 2004; Solomon & Teagno, 2006; Stanford, 2008; AAMFT, 2012). The 2012 survey by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) reported that 74% of couples who sought therapy following infidelity were able to recover and rebuild their relationship. Another study published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy found that 70% of couples who sought therapy after infidelity were able to recover and reported greater relationship satisfaction (Gordon, Baucom, & Snyder, 2004). Please don't let anyone tell you that healing is impossible.

03/08/2026

Let's talk about what a cheating partner needs to do to make sure they don't cheat again. Affairs are a painkiller and infidelity is one big giant coping strategy. It's an incredibly painful and destructive coping strategy, but it serves a purpose. So we need to figure out what that purpose is and we need to develop different skills to cope instead. I hope this helps you on your affair recovery journey, wishing you healing and comfort as you recover from infidelity. Big hugs! 

03/08/2026

Let's talk about what a cheating partner needs to do to make sure they don't cheat again. Affairs are a painkiller and infidelity is one big giant coping strategy. It's an incredibly painful and destructive coping strategy, but it serves a purpose. So we need to figure out what that purpose is and we need to develop different skills to cope instead. I hope this helps you on your affair recovery journey, wishing you healing and comfort as you recover from infidelity. Big hugs! 

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Hi there. I'm a psychologist who helps people heal their relationships and stay in love! Reach out if there’s anything I can do to help you.

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