Dr Kathy Nickerson

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Laguna Beach, CA
Dr Kathy Nickerson

Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Author, Affair Recovery & Infidelity Specialist
More at: https://linktr.ee/drkathynickerson

11/17/2025

After an affair, it's very common for betrayed partners to ask the same question again and again. There are multiple reasons for this. One is that after a trauma, it feels good to hear a reassuring answer, so we want to seek that reassuring answer frequently. Also we are tracking the content of the answer to see if anything changes. Was this a factor for you after infidelity? If you are going through betrayal trauma now, do you find yourself asking lots of the same questions? Let's discuss this further.

11/14/2025

If you are not recovering after your partner's affair or infidelity, you could be struggling with attachment ambivalence or the lingering effects of trauma. Betrayal trauma breaks your heart, your spirit, your sense of reality, and it's deeply destabilizing. Let's talk about three things that will help, including EMDR, trauma therapy, somatic experiencing. I hope this helps you on your affair recovery journey, sending you a big hug.

11/12/2025

We tend to think that if you truly love someone, it's impossible to cheat on them or have an affair. But this is not true. Many people who cheat on their partners do love them, they have just fallen into a very dark place where they don't know how to cope and they think the affair is the answer. Of course it's not. Affairs don't make anything better, they don't fix anything, they just make our problems 100 times worse. So if you think that it's impossible to cheat on someone you love, let's talk about it. I give a couple of examples that will help you explore this. Please tell me what you think. As always, sending you big hugs on your infidelity recovery journey.

11/12/2025

with . Julia DiGangi - after an affair, most of us think that if we could just be certain about all of the details and know everything that happened, we could stop obsessing and worrying. Turns out that's not true. Overthinking and obsessing about the details actually makes us more anxious and feel worse. We need to trust that we will handle what comes our way instead of feeling like we need to control what is going to happen in the future. You have always been able to handle what came your way because you are still here. Trying to be certain, and the pursuit of certainty, causes more suffering. What do you think about Dr. Julia's insightful message?

11/11/2025

After an affair or infidelity, how do you work through a trigger? A trigger is an emotional bruise. A trigger will show you where you are still hurting and after betrayal, so many things are possible triggers. In fact it's nearly impossible to watch TV without getting triggered! Let's talk about the steps you should take to work through the trigger and soothe yourself. The first thing is for you to sit down and take a deep breath. Then ask yourself what happened? How am I feeling? Why did that trigger me? Then we want to work through those feelings and a couple more before finally soothing ourselves. Please watch the whole video for more questions to ask yourself and let's talk about this further. Please let me know how this strategy works for you. Sending you a big hug on your affair recovery journey.

11/10/2025

Affair recovery requires your partner to figure out why they had the affair, learn healthier coping skills, and rebuild trust through action. If they want to be with you, they need to do the work to deserve you.

If your partner is not showing genuine remorse, taking accountability, or doing the necessary work to heal... you have every right to say, "This isn't going to work for me."

You hold the power to set boundaries and insist on change — because the biggest consequence you can give someone after they've had an affair is losing you.

11/09/2025

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think everyone is capable of cheating? I tend to agree with her. Affairs and infidelity are unhealthy ways of treating emotional pain. When someone is in deep emotional pain, especially when they have minimal awareness of their own feelings, they are at high risk for making poor decisions. When we don't feel good, we will take any pathway that we think will help us feel better. So many people regret cheating after the fact. I think having strong boundaries is a very good practice. Let me know what you think!

11/06/2025

Replying to - so if we know that 60 to 75% of couples reconcile after an affair, how do these couples do over time? Do they break up two years later? Do any of them make it long-term? Great question, Amy! The answer to how long a couple survives after infidelity is complex and there are several research studies that give us approximations of an answer. I'm going to write a blog post with all of my findings so you can review all of the citations in detail, please check for that in a couple of days. The ultimate answer is that over the long-term, infidelity increases your chances of divorce slightly, but the data looks very similar to the non-infidelity groups. After five years, assuming therapy and no other affairs and that the affair was not kept a secret, the couples who stayed together looked similar in satisfaction and stability to couples who never had an affair. Isn't this surprising! Let's talk about it and I hope this helps you and encourages you on your infidelity recovery journey.

11/06/2025

In our 2023 survey of 3,000+ betrayed partners, we asked them what they believed their attachment style to be and their partner’s.

What do you think about these responses? Do they surprise you? Let’s talk about it.

In my experience, I have found that the Anxious Avoidant Trap is a major communication for many couples after infidelity.

11/05/2025

Replying to 🇨🇦 thank you so much for sharing this and there's so much I want to unpack here! It's a really common feeling to be in overdrive after discovering your partner cheated or had an affair. It's a trauma response essentially. When something bad happens to us we want to do anything and everything to guard it against happening again. It's also very common to feel like you need to keep your partner from cheating again. It's so painful to realize that we can't, that we're not in control of someone else's behavior. Let's talk about this further and discuss attachment ambivalence, which is something many betrayed partners really struggle with. Sending you a big hug on your infidelity recovery journey. So proud of you!

11/05/2025

Replying to so does the cheater ever understand the devastation they have caused? Some do, eventually, but it takes a long time. Most cheaters are people who are so used to shutting down their feelings that they barely feel them. Having empathy for you after the affair means they need to feel their feelings, recognize those feelings, manage the shame associated with those feelings, then imagine your feelings and find a way to work with all of that. There are a lot of skills involved in doing that so it takes a while for them to build up the ability. Not all cheaters fall into this category, but the majority do. Most people who cheat have avoidant attachment, but about 25% of people who cheat have anxious attachment. This explains what's happening for the majority of cases, not all cases. Hope this helps you on your affair recovery journey, sending you a big hug.

11/04/2025

Replying to thank you for sharing this brilliant quote from Esther Perel on why people cheat. Her belief is that people have affairs to become someone else, not be with someone else necessarily. Let's unpack this a little bit further because I think when you come to understand why people have affairs, you can have a drop of compassion for them. Infidelity is always the wrong choice, it doesn't solve any problems and it is not a long-term successful strategy. Sadly people will make illogical choices when they are in enough emotional pain and they don't know what else to do. What do you think about this idea? Let's discuss it further.

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