08/18/2018
School is starting! Here are some helpful ideas to start your year successfully!!!
57 Action Tools For Avoiding Power Struggles While Empowering Children
Sandra Suzuki, MA, LCPC
Balanced Counseling
198 Westminster
Lake Forest, IL 60045
847-306-2184
Balancedcounseling@gmail .com
Sandra Suzuki, MA, LCPC, has over 30 years of experience working with individuals, children and families in the Chicago area. Her main focus of treatment is in relationship building with parents, children, and families. She has extensive training working with young children, school aged children, and teens with ADHD, behavior problems, autism, PDD, special needs, divorce and trauma issues. Sandra’s support and success in treatment lies in an ability to understand and guide individuals and families experiencing a variety of different relationship and social challenges working within with empirically based therapeutic models including PCIT, ACT and systems theory. Sandra has extensive experience working with foster care, adoption and within school settings.
Staring off Right With Praise and Encouragement, and Time
1. Make sure the message of love, acceptance and respect get through. It's hard to create boundaries and set limits when children feel they are not validated.
2. Take the time to watch, listen and interact with your children. They give you clues all through the day as to what matters to them.
3. Try to get into your children’s world. Work with the belief behind the behavior-do not just focus on the behavior only.
4. Have special times with your children together and one on one with each parent. Kids want to be with you, and for you to be interested in who they are. Time spent is never lost.
5. Parents, model family values
6. Use reflective listening. You might say, “I think I hear you say…is that right?” This approach help you clarify the problem.
7. Trust your children! Trust yourself! Most psychologists believe that children learn right and wrong by the age of 6! That means that they have a good sense of right and wrong within them at a very young age. It also means that they have the capability of making right choices and working out problems on their own!
8. Read to your kids…read, read, read. Start young and keep it up all the way through middle school years. You don’t need to make this a teachable moment…they don’t have to read to you, just help them to listen, imagine and enjoy!
9. Start some family traditions…they don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Have pajama day, backwards day (eating dinner at breakfast and breakfast at dinner, movie night, and so many more creative things you and your child can do together that will create lasting memories. Good times seem to be treasured over time.
10. Eat together as a family. Make time to listen to each other. Pray together.
Using Words That Conveys Meaning (Your Words Matter)
11. Use words wisely and sparingly. Sometime we talk too much. Remember that children do have short attention spans and don’t like to hear the same things repeated over and over again.
12. Insist that children are looking at you when you talk. Sometimes this is hard for them to do, especially when they are thinking about something, doing something, or trying to distract or get their way.
13. Ask children to repeat what you have said so they clearly understand what is expected of them. If they did not pay attention, simply ask them if they need help. Repeat again, and ask again.
14. Provide verbal praise and encouragement. Often parents feel that at a certain age, a child “should “ be able to do things on their own. This is true in many instances, but when parents are trying to manage oppositional behavior that happens through many developmental stages (for example, the trying threes, the independent fives,) it is very helpful to be very intentional in using verbal validation. Kids need to hear good things about themselves.
15. Be specific with praise and encouragement. Tell your children exactly what they do well. Telling them that they are “good” has less meaning. Say, “I like the way you put your dishes on the counter,” for example.
16. Focus on facts instead of emotions. Try using the words, “I noticed…and the state whatever you see rather than to sound frustrated or demanding when trying to solve a problem. Your approach sets the tone for what comes next.
17. Watch your tone! Most people-especially children-respond to tone before words.
18. Teach your children the difference between what they feel, what they think and what they do…they can be three different things! We often hear from kids that they “want” to do right…but feelings and desires often get in the way. Help children to understand that feelings are good barometers, but change many times during the course of a day!
19. Model emotional, social and behavioral honesty yourself. Own your own feelings and thoughts. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel__________about/when_________because_________and I wish___________.”
20. Don't do things for children that they can do themselves. Kids love being "grown up" and they are very proud of doing things, learning new things and pleasing those around them. This gives you an opportunity to praise and encourage them. This strategy also works for teens and adults. We tend to think they should know how to do whatever it is they are doing and withhold any positives. As adults, we love when people value us, our work and our gifts!
21. Try to eliminate asking questions, altogether-especially at confrontational times. They often incite power struggles, as the child can refuse to answer, control and frustrate the situation. Rather, use reflective words, which means repeating what the child says without judgment. Most of the time when you do this, the child will respond (tell you whether you understand correctly or not). This starts conversation and validates each person's thoughts. An example is, "So I thought I heard you say..."
Actions, Consistent Expectations and Follow Through
22. Don’t do things for children that they can do themselves. Kids love being “grown up” and they are very proud of doing things, learning new things and pleasing those around them. This also gives you an opportunity to praise and encourage them. This strategy also works with teens and adults. We tend to “think” they “should” do whatever it is that is required in a certain way. Please do not expect perfection! Rather, look for positives within and allow them to ask when they need help.
23. Create routines with children. They do much better when they know what to expect and what the plan is for the day. Routines help children to feel safe and secure. They also create memories as well as encourage consistency, which helps children to understand their roles and responsibilities within the family.
24. Offer limited choices. Parents can help their children by allowing them to choose between two or three options. It is better to set a perimeter or guideline that is within limits of the family system. It is really hard for children to have so many choices and to think they can only have one! Some kids can become very worried that they might not make the “right” choice; others will feel so overwhelmed that they will choose randomly and be disappointed later. We are looking to empower our children and focus on positive behaviors. This system sets the tone for more successful outcomes for everyone.
25. Allow children to remove themselves from a situation if they know they cannot control themselves. This helps them to manage their own thoughts and feeling on their own. When you tell them how they think or feel or demand more of them then they are able, meltdowns can occur.
26. Time is a soothing factor. Not all problem can or need to be solved right away.
27. You can also remove yourself from a volatile situation. Remember, you have thoughts and feelings that need to be processed too. They are in your hard drive!
28. Remember the value of supervision. This is especially true for younger children AND teens. Make it a priority to build a kid-friendly home and encourage your children to invite others over to your house. It might be more work for you, but you will get to know your child’s friends, what your child and they are interested in, and what they do together.
Disempowering Struggles
29. Get kids involved in problem solving. Allow them to think of solutions and help them discern whether they are viable or not. Get creative. You will be amazed how smart and logical they can be.
30. Try redirecting misguided behavior instead of punishing right away. Sometimes you can move the children to another room, and this will change the whole atmosphere! At other times, you may count to help them focus (but to five not to three as it takes time for a child to process the request). Often in heated encounters, a child will initially say “no” but if give five seconds they can self correct their hasty first response. Count consistently, calmly using whole numbers.
31. Use logical consequences that are respectful, related and reasonable.
32. Use consequences that are age-guided. Grounding a five year old rarely works, but it can often be effective with other children.
33. Use consequences sparingly and wisely in a time-oriented manner. It is not helpful to take and IPAD away for a month! (Who are you punishing-the child or yourself?) The effectiveness of long term consequences are not helpful-often kids give up trying to do what is asked, rebel, sneak or think or worse behaviors to get what they want.
34. Don’t threaten a consequence if you cannot enforce it. Children will learn to push their agenda until you are worn out or not take you seriously.
35. REMEMBER THAT CHILDREN WILL ONLY REPEAT BEHAVIORS (GOOD OR BAD0 THAT HAVE WORKED FOR THEM IN THE PAST. NOTICE WHAT HAS WORKED.
36. Use positive consequences more often than negative. We are looking for BALANCED perspectives. It is said that it takes five positive statements to wipe out one negative one in an individual’s mind. This is particularly true with children. They tend to have an all-or-nothing way of thinking. Often when I ask them what their parents think they do great they will say “nothing”. We don’t want our children to struggle with disempowering thought patterns.
37. Encourage one on one problem solving between siblings. Try not to be the moderator. What will likely happen is that you will be blamed for choosing one child over the other. Kids have the ability to resolve issues, if they are given the opportunity and time to work through issues on their own.
38. Do not feel that there is a power struggle brewing if the child waits until the last nano second to respond. As long as they do what is ask in the time you allow (giving them at least five seconds), the truth is they actually did what was asked. Good for them!
Giving Good Directions and Time Outs
39. Make commands/requests direct, not indirect. Avoid asking questions at the end of the command. This eliminates ambiguity and makes it clear that the child, is to do the task. Direct: Please sit down here. Indirect: Would you sit down, OK?
40. Make commands/requests single, small and simple. This makes it easier for the child to obey commands that are not overwhelming, and gives more opportunity for praise and encouragement. Single: Please put your shoes in the closet. Compound: Please clean your room.
41. State commands positively. Tell your child what to do instead of what not to do. Oppositional children rebel against stop and don’t commands. Say: Get down, please. Not: Don’t climb on the counter.
42. Make commands specific, not vague. It lets the child know exactly what is expected, eliminates confusion and makes it easier to decide whether the child has obeyed. Specific: Please use your indoor voice. Vague: Act nice.
43. Use a neutral voice instead of pleading or yelling. Children need to learn to respond to commands given in a normal, conversational tone of voice.. It makes interactions more pleasant!
44. Always provide a consequence for obedience or disobedience. Fastest way to teach young children to mind better. Compliance should not be taken for granted. Giving consequences consistently is the most powerful tool for improving your child’s behavior.
45. Use the words “I need you to …” when there are no options. The word “need” implies that you are serious, and there are no other options.
46. Use choice language with children. This encourages the development of autonomy and decision making. It doesn’t take the power away from the child who tends to get into power struggles. Parent: Please watch TV or color quietly. Use your indoor voice or play in the backyard.
47. Provide a carefully timed, brief explanation. Sometimes it is not appropriate for children to be given an explanation. This is especially true in the middle of some drama. That is not the time for a teachable moment. One doesn’t want to entice an argument or lengthy discussion to coax a child to behavior.
48. The goal of a time out is not to punish, but to help the child to calm down, think again, and make a better choice.
49. Time outs! Most parents who use them start off well, but tend to finish poorly, and often find that they don’t work. They do work, if you consistently follow this pattern.
50. Remember to be calm and do not threaten the child.
51. When they misbehave, give them two choices. They can either do what is asked, or they can sit down in a chair, calm down and to think of a better response.
52. Count to five, ask them what they plan to do. If it is not what you asked, they need to go to a time out place that is quiet, away from media or any other stimulation.
53. Wait with them QUIETLY. They need time to calm down, and parents can model, but not do it for them. Coaxing them to be quiet, or telling them why they have to do what you say will exasperate them and prolong the whole time out process. Everyone needs to learn to be quiet. This might take quite a while the first time you do it. Put this time in. You will reap the benefits later, as the child will know that you are serious about your request, their compliance and your own response.
54. After they become quiet for three minutes (that is how long it takes to rethink a problem-not one minute per age), approach them again with the two choices: They can comply with what you asked or remain in the chair. Count to five again, and accept their response, either way. If they choose to comply, say thank you end ensure they do what they say. If they are mad, or passively resist, wait until they are quiet or three more minutes and ask again. Repeat this process until they comply.
55. After the child complies, look for them to do something kind again and praise them for this positive behavior. This often happens!
56. It is usually not helpful to use time outs when the child is so volatile that they can’t calm down. In those instances, it is better to ensure everyone is safe, and as parents, sit down quietly and wait for the child to self regulate. This may take some time, but it is well worth it! You want to model the behaviors that you hope to grow in your child. Modeling also give them a plan for how they can begin to manage their own feelings-especially when they don’t get their way of when someone upsets them!
57. Seek help when your family gets stuck on a problem. It is really hard to parent, and there will be times when you will find yourself at a loss of what to do. Most parents are effectively parenting 80-90% of the time. Often I tell my clients we just need to fix a couple of areas-and the problems often decrease or go away altogether! We keep that which is good and help change what is not working well. There is no weakness in seeking help and often problems are easier to address when you first start noticing then-rather than when others do! Therapist are not only trained in best practices, but also show compassion and caring for their clients. They love to help, encourage and support parents, children and the family unit!
All the best,
Sandra Suzuki, MA, LCPC
Balanced Counseling
