03/12/2026
Such. Good. Stuff. Can we be curious about our desires, or lack thereof? Jay's new book is a game-changer. Be sure to check it out!
Think about your lawn. In the U.S., our fixation on tidy, manicured yards traces back to wealthy French and English aristocrats in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries — where maintaining a lawn was a status symbol for the affluent. If our preferences for something as seemingly benign as lawns can be shaped by historical forces, how much truer is this for our more consequential desires?
Sexual desires are no exception. P*rn*graphy, in particular, has played a significant role in reshaping s*xual norms.
⚠️ Trigger Warning: One striking example is the rise of s*xual choking over the last fifteen years. A 2011 study found that 13 percent of women reported being choked by a partner.
By 2024, a survey found that 61 percent of women had been choked during s*x. This rapid shift raises important questions about consent, safety, and who — and what — is shaping our desires.
The stakes are high. If we don't interrogate the origins of our desires, we surrender their authorship to others — whether to trauma, corporations, or cultural scripts. The question isn't just "What do I want?" but "Why do I want it?" Until we ask, we'll keep prioritizing the desires we've been sold over the ones that might set us free.
This excerpt is from the Introduction of Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow (pp. xviii–xix), in the section titled "Our Desires Are Shaped by Forces We May Not Even Be Aware Of."
Desire is available now. Grab your copy here: https://ow.ly/FL0j50Yt2o5
