03/12/2026
One year ago today, I lost my mom. She was my childhood hero and my biggest cheerleader. No doubt, my best and my most valued qualities came from her.
My 'Joy Lotz' was 78 and died unexpectedly in a hospital due to numerous complications related to a bad fall at home. The fall resulted in a few broken bones, including a knee and hip.
Though her actual death was unexpected, she'd been having significant health challenges for several years. After X-ray's and scans, the docs talked to her about her arduous road to recovery ahead with numerous heavy surgeries being needed.
Mom had been an RN for over 40 years and so she was medically aware when the docs were talking to her that she simply didn't have the 'gas in the tank' required of that road.
Sadly, she had significant pain during her first 12 hours or so of being in the hospital and during a difficult hospital transfer. Thereafter, she lost consciousness and didn't regain it. Ultimately, her passing was quick and peaceful and I'm forever grateful to Jesus for having shown this departing mercy to my hero.
Throughout my therapist career, I've heard grief colleagues say: "It'll always be there and hurt when triggered, but your response patterns in the first three years generally set the course. The 1st year of losing a parent is 'really hard' and, while the following 2 years may be 'less hard', they're still a lot less easy than people expect."
There has been a low-key, but persistent disorientation since she died. It's a strange feeling when I remember she's not here. It may be that none of us can truly have a mental model for 'earth without them' because 'earth with them' is all we've known. It's been a notably odd feeling though and I wanted to share that for you.
I've tried to, at least clumsily, apply what I've learned about grief recovery and 'parent loss' from clients and training. Here are 5 rituals that have substantially helped me through my first year:
1) Most helpful, is that every month on the 12th, I play her favorite music from her own CDs for 24 hours. It's been meaningful, endearing, and helps me feel connected to her. Her presence is on a type of melodic 24 hour vigil every month and it's comforting and steadying.
2) 2nd most helpful I'd say, has been my reading a guided journal I mailed to her to complete in 2023 when she was stuck in a skilled medical rehab for a year due to a cracked pelvis. I didn't know until after she passed that she had filled it out. It's already among my life's most prized possessions. Strongly consider doing the same with your parents.
3) 3rd most helpful has been that every month, around the 12th, I do something meaningful with my kids that relates to her. One month, we hung a frog-themed birdhouse in the yard (she loved frog collectibles). Another month, I made a 'busy bag' with gifts and activities to surprise and entertain them as we were taking our first road trip after her passing. My Mom would always surprise us kids with gifts and games on our car seats at any bathroom break. I wrote a note to each kid explaining this tradition. My Dad framed a copy of it. Another month, I made Perler bead ornaments with them and ironed them just like Mom always did. In April, I'll teach them how to make Mom's special cinnamon toast in the oven.
4) I learned from my massage therapist that memorial quilts exist and I got one made. It's absolutely amazing. I keep it on the guest bed where I can see it and I cuddle with it when I want particular connection to her. It's literally her shirts. Wild.
5) I talk about her openly with my kids and wife. It's not a taboo subject. I speak up when I'm having a somber moment. I share when we're doing something she'd have enjoyed. The kids do this too. Name it to tame it.
I hope these 5 can help you someday, but not for a real long time.
If you like them, say a prayer of Thanksgiving, in Jesus' name for my Mom; she built my best parts.
