The Relationship Therapist

02/25/2025

Anyone, regardless of their attachment style, can form a secure-functioning relationship.

There is nothing wrong with any particular style. Attachment is simply a memory-based system to organize oneself around dependency and protect against harm.

When we lead partners towards secure functioning, we’re not trying to “cure” them of their attachment styles. We’re simply giving them the tools necessary to create a more secure culture in their current relationship.

In a secure-functioning relationship, partners modify their memories and reduce the need to defend themselves from being hurt. They don’t try to change one another, but instead, learn how to work with each other’s attachment style to predict and prevent problems.

12/13/2023

This may be hard to swallow, but reading books, watching YouTube videos, or listening to podcasts about marriage or relationships or couples is unlikely to create lasting improvement in your relationship.

Why?

Because your communication problems, feelings of disconnect, lack of security , etc. are rooted deeply in your unconscious mind and nervous system.

You aren't consciously aware of the internal forces at work for both of you in creating the repeating patterns in your relationship.

I know -- UGH!

I also know it's really hard to take that step of reaching out to a relationship expert for help.

But if you want lasting change, you need a third person in your relationship for awhile, someone trained and experienced in helping couples go deep with each other to understand the roots of behavior, attitudes, and communication patterns.

I am here when you are ready.

And I have many years of successfully helping couples navigate their distress and learn how to communicate better and create relationships that thrive -- especially couples who are entrepreneurs.

Link to schedule a free consultation is in the first comment.

09/27/2023

We use attachment theory in PACT to lead partners towards secure functioning, not to “cure” them of their individual attachment styles.

Attachment is simply a memory-based system to organize oneself around dependency and protect against harm. There is nothing wrong with insecure attachment styles. Every attachment style is valid.

Understanding their attachment context allows us to predict and prevent problems. Partners who are experts on each other’s attachment style and history, can modify their memories and reduce the need to defend themselves from being hurt.

09/27/2023

Essential if you want to bring the er0tic side of your relationship to life!

Eye contact is extremely stimulating and one of the quickest ways to get present with one another. When you sustain eye contact, you disconnect the parts of your brain that plan, predict, and overthink.

08/23/2023

Don’t approach your fights like you’re litigating a case. Even when you disagree, you and your partner are on the same side. You win when your partner wins and vice versa.

Wave the flag of friendliness in your arguments. Use humor, aim for a win-win solution, and relieve your partner immediately if you notice you’ve hurt them.

08/06/2023

Sustained eye contact is extremely stimulating and demands a lot of mental resources. When you gaze into each other’s eyes, you disconnect the parts of your brain that chatter, plan, predict, and overthink.

I’m not saying you have to do this all the time, but if you are able to, see if it’s possible to sustain eye contact with your partner as you make love.

What happens? Is it hard to think? It should be.

When you can no longer plan and predict, you’ll be able to stay in the present moment with your partner. Try this and see how it changes your experience of making love together.

07/12/2023

LOVE can live long term only if you feel safe in your love relationship.

If you didn't grow up in a family where your parents were emotionally safe with each other, you probably don't have the skills to create a safe and secure love relationship.

This may be the most important concept and skill of all!