02/14/2018
The Prenuptial Checklist
Valentines Day
The article below was written by a psychologist (Dr. Ofer Zur) . However, I believe that most of this information is helpful and wanted to share it.
(P.S. - Dr. Zur is not a Christian psychologist, but the majority of what he shares can be helpful to Christians and non-Christians).
"Getting married or committed is one of the most important decisions one makes in one's lifetime, so the stakes are too high to leave it to love-crazed judgment. Yet most people fall in love, get engaged and tie the knot. The problem is that people make this crucial decision when they are consumed with desire and passion. Something must surely be missing in the process, as about half of the marriages in the U.S. end up in divorce. Could the missing element be a dose of rationality and clarity?
Cushion the Blow: Falling Out of Love and Into Reality
Lovebirds tend to see the world in rosy colors. They feel wonderful, beautiful and, of course, happy. They tend not to be critical and are likely to ignore almost all warning signs, red flags and any advice that does not support their already-made decision. As a result, regretfully, most marriages do not survive the normal, natural phase of falling out of love and into reality.
If you or your clients are seriously looking for a partner, use the this checklist early in the courtship to help make a sound and conscious commitment. This will increase the chances of your love and marriage flourishing and lasting.
Explore Thoroughly His-Story and/or Her-Story
Become an investigative reporter or anthropologist and study the background, culture and values of your partner. Get to know your partner in a detailed way, the home they grew up in, what influenced them most, who they admire and who they despise, what assures them and what frightens them, what angers them and what delights them.
Discuss Attitudes and Expectations Regarding:
Money, saving, lifestyle, place of living, meaningful friendships outside the marriage, infidelity, Internet po*******hy, virginity, relationships with former lovers, political views & activism, self care, community, relationships to religion & spirituality, having children, corporal punishment, raising children within a certain religious or spiritual tradition, charity, etc.
What Did Their Parents/Background Model to Them In Regard To:
Explore the verbal and non-verbal messages given to your partner by their parents and other people who influenced them when they were young. How should women and men treat other women and men? What was their view regarding a 'perfect' marriage? Were they monogamous? Did they respect one another? What is unacceptable and may lead to divorce? Is constant complaining and bad mouthing acceptable? Is verbal or physical abuse acceptable? Were they affectionate with each other in front of the children? How did they change when as grew older?
Your Mate's Intimate History
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Explore each other's past patterns in regard to intimate relationships. Are you able to talk about s*x with each other? Discuss such issues as loyalties, substance use and abuse. Pay attention to how former relationships ended.
How Do You Each Deal With the Inevitability of Conflict?
Successful and fulfilling marriages rarely last without compatibility in regard to dealing with conflict. Identify each other's style of disagreement, e.g., compromise, explosive, avoidance, passive/aggressive, withholding, violent? Do you each have the capacity to sincerely say you are sorry?
Create an Advisory Committee
While this may sound odd and unromantic, it is highly important that you create a 'committee' which consists of your best friends and family members, whose opinions you value and trust. Introduce your potential partner to the committee members, one at a time. Then ask the committee members (without your potential spouse around) about their honest and truthful opinion regarding their view of the compatibility between the two of you.
