03/17/2026
It may sound elementary, but nothing will change in your relationship unless you change something. Change your perspective. Change your approach. Change your ability to convey understanding and fine tune your ability to listen. Change the rules of engagement.
Let's start with the State of the Union Meeting. What is a State of the Union Meeting (Gottman)?
A State of the Union meeting is a dedicated hour each week where couples sit down to reflect on their relationship. This time is used to celebrate the positives and address any areas that need attention. Couples can go from feeling lonely and distant to connected and in sync. Just one hour a week can make a significant difference in how couples connect and communicate.
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Steps to Conduct a State of the Union Meeting
Start with Appreciation: Begin your meeting by sharing five things you appreciate about your partner from the past week. This sets a positive tone and reinforces the foundation of your relationship. For example, you might say, “I appreciate that you made me my morning coffee” or “I appreciate that you took the dog for a walk when I was really tired after work.”
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Discuss Issues with a Focus on Feelings: When addressing issues, focus on expressing your personal feelings rather than placing blame. For instance, you might say, “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together. Can we talk about finding a solution?” This approach encourages constructive, non-defensive conversations.
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Understand Each Other’s Perspective: Understanding your partner’s perspective doesn’t mean you have to agree with it. It’s about showing empathy and validating their experience. In her podcast episode, Marie shared, “It doesn’t mean you agree, but showing empathy and validating their experience is so important for a healthy relationship.”
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Use the ATTUNE Acronym: ATTUNE stands for Awareness, Tolerance, Turning Towards, Understanding, Non-defensive Listening, and Empathy. This framework guides couples in having more collaborative and empathetic conversations. For example:
* Awareness: Be aware of each other’s feelings.
* Tolerance: Accept that both viewpoints are valid.
* Turning Towards: Actively meet your partner’s needs.
* Understanding: Deeply understand each other’s perspective.
* Non-defensive Listening: Listen genuinely without planning a rebuttal.
* Empathy: Respond with empathy and understanding.
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Make Repair Attempts: Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Addressing issues before they escalate is crucial. In her podcast, Marie advised, “Ask your partner if there’s anything I’ve done this week, or maybe in the past two weeks, that’s gotten under your skin or really bothered you? Is there something I’ve missed or overlooked that you want to talk about? Bringing these issues up early helps prevent resentment and strengthens the relationship.”
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End with Future Planning: Ask your partner what you can do to help them feel more loved in the coming week. Questions like, “What do you need from me this week?” or “How can I support you?” can be incredibly powerful. Make sure to take turns and genuinely listen to each other’s needs.
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