12/31/2025
Understanding the PDA Nervous System
Why It’s Not “Won’t,” It’s “Can’t”
If you really want to understand PDA, you have to understand the nervous system underneath it.
Because PDA isn’t about personality.
It’s not about behaviour.
It’s not about “choices.”
It’s a physiological profile, a brain-body system wired to detect pressure differently.
And once you understand that, everything about PDA makes sense.
A PDAer’s nervous system is built on protection first
Think of the PDA nervous system like a highly sensitive alarm system.
It wasn’t designed for compliance, it was designed for survival.
Demands, big, small, spoken, unspoken, all get processed as:
⚠️ pressure
⚠️ loss of autonomy
⚠️ potential overwhelm
⚠️ threat to safety
Not because the person is dramatic.
Not because they’re avoiding responsibility.
But because their body sends a signal that says:
“This is too much right now.”
So what counts as a “demand”?
Here’s the part many people miss:
• “Time to get ready.”
• “Can you turn off your game?”
• “Let’s go.”
• “Choose one.”
• Routines
• Expectations
• Social interactions
• Even their own goals or plans
For a PDAer, these can activate the same part of the nervous system that responds to danger.
This is why they may freeze, negotiate, avoid, explode, comply then collapse, or mask until burnout hits.
The PDA nervous system moves FAST
A PDAer can switch states quickly:
Regulated → Activated
A tiny shift in tone, urgency, or expectation can send them straight into fight/flight.
Activated → Panic
Once adrenaline hits, logical thinking shuts down.
You’re now dealing with a survival response, not a behaviour.
Panic → Shutdown
If they can’t escape the demand, their system may go flat, numb, or inward.
None of this is conscious.
It’s neurobiological.
Why the nervous system reacts this way.....
PDAers often have:
✔️ High interoceptive sensitivity (or low — both can be overwhelming)
✔️ High threat perception
✔️ High sensitivity to control
✔️ Difficulty regulating once activated
✔️ Strong need for autonomy to feel safe
✔️ Intense emotional experiences
✔️ Deep thinking + anxiety loops
✔️ A history of masking or misunderstanding
It’s a profile wired to stay in control to stay safe.
And here’s the part families need to hear:
When a PDAer resists, avoids, panics, argues, or shuts down when faced with a demand…
They are not being difficult.
They are not being oppositional.
They are not manipulating you.
They are protecting their nervous system the only way their body knows how.
What helps the PDA nervous system feel safe?
Predictability without rigidity
Collaboration instead of instructions
Declarative language (“I’m wondering…”)
Choice and autonomy
Low-pressure environments
Humour, connection, shared control
Pauses and gentle pacing
Interest-led engagement
Non-judgmental co-regulation
Removing shame from the equation
Safety first.
Connection second.
Then maybe ..... maaaaaaybe ......the demand can be explored.
If you take nothing else from this,
PDA isn’t a behaviour problem.
It’s a nervous system profile.
And once you support the nervous system, everything else can soften.
