03/20/2020
Date: March 18, 2020 at 10:15:54 PM MDT
Subject: Spring Break Coping Strategies
We have a big week coming up next week… a week with no school. Normally, Spring Break is a time for fun, play, and relaxation, but this year it is a time of uncertainty and apprehension (deep breath).
All of us are feeling the stress of what is going on right now. Whether we feel panicked, scared, anxious, exhausted, disappointed, depressed, or overwhelmed, all of us are orienting to the flood of information and the myriad of possible outcomes and uncertainties. Please know that whatever you are feeling right now is normal. Our bodies are doing exactly what they are designed to do when they are aware of an external threat. Our anxiety, or felt sense of threat, stems primarily from two things: the uncertainty of the situation (no one knows for sure what will happen) and the incongruity (we are being bombarded with a lot of contradictory information, including contradictory information about the magnitude of the threat, so it is hard to know what to believe).
Secondly, please know that however we are feeling, the children are feeling it too. They may not have the cognitive skills to really grasp what is going on, but their nervous systems are feeling our stress and activation. One of the most important things that school provides for children is predictability and routine. Just as uncertainty is threatening to our adult brains (makes us feel anxious and dysregulated), it feels threatening to your child as well. The loss of predictability and structure creates a sort of internal chaos. Maria Montessori wrote about this, describing many toddler tantrums as being the result of a loss of predictability (routines being thrown off, objects being out of place). When things are predictable and “in their places,” we feel a sense of safety and self mastery.
Your child’s routine is about to be significantly disrupted next week, at the same time that we are all experiencing a lot of stress. What can be done?
Maintain Your Routine as Much as Possible: In particular, adequate rest has NEVER been more important to your child. Try to maintain bedtimes and nap times. Even children who argue and negotiate secretly crave loving, but firm, limits and boundaries!
Create Predictability by Creating an Agenda for the Day: At the beginning of each day, create a routine/agenda by talking about what the plan is for the day. Be flexible, but try to adhere to the plan as much as you can, and try to maintain the basic structure of mealtimes and bedtimes.
Establish a “New” Rhythm/ Rituals are Important: Rituals give a sense of predictability. Whether they are as simple as having breakfast or dinner together or snuggling and stories before bed, predictable rituals create a feeling of safety.
Build Movement and “Regulation Activities” Into Your Day: Physical activity is one of the ways that the brain integrates experiences, activates the vagus nerve (the part of our physiology that allows us to put the breaks on the fight/flight response), and moves us out of dysregulated/activated (fight or flight) states. If possible, plan time to get outside with your child multiple times during the day-- walk around the block, a bike ride, a hike in the foothills, some time shoveling snow, sledding, or playing in the park. If this isn’t possible, try some dancing, yoga, Twister, playing with your dog, or movement activities at home. Regulation activities could also include deep breathing, meditation, giving or receiving a massage, singing, humming, deep pressure hugs an squeezes, a bath, or snuggling or swaddling in a blanket. Plan these into your day!
Create order! External order lends a sense of internal order and safety! Spring break is a great time to break out the child sized cleaning tools and involve your child in Spring Cleaning. You don’t need to be obsessive or inflexible, but a messy, disorganized household will contribute to a sense of things being out of control.
Self Care is Important! Good nutrition, remaining hydrated, regular exercise, stress management, and plenty of rest help your mood, capacity for resilience, and your immune system!
YOU Are Your Child’s Role Model! So, put your own “oxygen mask” on first! This is one of life’s teachable moments. In this moment you are teaching your child how to handle stress, fear, and adversity. This IS a stressful time; don’t expect (or try) to feel calm- you won’t. So, don’t deny what you are feeling. It is okay to feel scared, stressed, afraid, anxious or overwhelmed. You don’t teach your child how to handle feelings like this by denying them, minimizing them, or lying about them. But, we also don’t teach children how to handle feelings like this by panicking or frightening them. Instead, be honest or congruent about your experience and share age appropriate information with your child. Your goal is not to “be calm;” your goal is to be able to think clearly (remain in your frontal lobe) and respond (vs react), despite the activation you are feeling in your nervous system. You can help your child to integrate how they are feeling (in their brainstem) with their higher thought processes by naming how your are feeling, and modeling self regulation strategies. For example, it is okay to tell your child, “A lot of things are changing right now and I’m feeling nervous. I’m going to take a deep breath/go for a walk/do some yoga/etc” or “I am feeling really disappointed that we can’t go on vacation; I am going to look for some fun hikes that we can do together;” it is okay to tell an older child “I don’t really know what is going to happen, or when you will go back to school, and that’s making me feel anxious. But, even if I feel anxious, right now I am safe” or “Phew! This is really intense! I just read something that made me feel agitated. I really need a break from the computer; let’s go for a walk!” These responses allow you to serve as the child’s “external regulator” of stress, and allow children to check in and talk about how they are feeling (telling your child, in a non-overwhelming way, how you are feeling is better than asking the child questions about how they are feeling, in terms of creating a safe conversational space) and provide a model of healthy ways to deal with intense emotions and stress.
Validate and normalize your child’s feelings. If your child tells you how they are feeling, resist the urge to reassure, rescue, or minimize. None of us knows what will happen. Instead of saying “It will be okay,” validate your child’s feelings “It is totally understandable that you are feeling disappointed (about not going on vacation for Spring Break) or lonely.” If your child expresses a specific fear (maybe an older child says they are afraid they won’t see their classmates again), plan how you would respond (this gives the child some sense of agency and predictability- “If schools don’t re-open, we will make cards for your friends and you can invite them for playdates”).
Limit Media (yours and theirs)! In situations like this, when there is a lot of uncertainty/unknowns, and people are feeling isolated, it is natural to orient outwards (to compulsively check the news, listen to sensationalist news coverage, spend the day trying to connect with others on the internet and social media), but there is very little out there (in the news, on the internet) that is going to provide you with a sense of safety and security. Your sense of safety (and your child’s) lies in the ability to regulate through intense emotions (it is internal). This is the time to orient inwards- good self care and stress management strategies are what will create this sensibility. Limit your phone/internet/screen time, and limit your child’s too! Also, pay attention to your child’s media exposure.
Engage in Meaningful Work: Maria Montessori said that meaningful work normalizes behavior (calms the nervous system- captures the entire personality and creates feelings of calm and joy). Psychologists know this is true (some call it a state of “flow”). Help your child to find meaningful, inspiring activities that appeal to your child’s interests and intrinsic motivation. Children this age LOVE to work cooperatively with adults, and derive a sense of authentic self esteem from contributing to the work of the home. Let your child help fold laundry, feed the dog/cat, unload the dishwasher, sweep the floor, shovel snow, take out the trash, set the table, water the plants, write the grocery list, make dinner, wash the car, etc. Get a field guide and binoculars and identify all the birds that visit your yard, build a birdfeeder together, do some baking projects, volunteer in your community (helping others can combat feelings of helplessness and isolation), etc.
Find ways to remain connected with others- Skype of Facetime with grandma, send cards to your child’s friends. Take time together as a family to enhance your feelings of connection (whether this is going for a walk together, playing board games, reading your favorite chapter books with your child crying through Charlotte’s Web again, movie night, etc).
Be patient with your child and those around you. We are all under stress; be kinder than necessary.
Reflect back to other times when your family was under stress. Consider which activities you found helpful and enjoyable and employ those strategies.
Many of these strategies are courtesy of one my former play therapy teachers (a very wise woman), Lisa Dion, Director of The Synergetic Play Therapy Institute (Boulder, CO). She has a wonderful video for parents entitled Talking to Your Child About Coronavirus that I highly recommend: Lisa Dion Talking to our CHild About Coronavirus
– From a loving teacher at Bloom Montessori
