10/06/2025
Swipe to the end for a surprise 👉
This has been the last 16 weeks of life.
1. The day I knew conception had happened, high up in the Sierras, after seeing implantation spotting
2. A month or so later with my beautiful mom, the weekend we told my family.
3. On a hike at 11 weeks, a rare pause in the full-spirit fatigue of first trimester.
4. A few days ago at 16 weeks, showing off what is still about 90% bloat, 10% baby.
When I began opening the door to motherhood, I was most interested in the radical transformation I knew it would offer. Even as a birth worker, having witnessed many shed maiden and step into mother, I feel shocked at how quickly that transformation is happening and also WHAT it's looking like.
Its been something akin to ego death. It's jarring, fascinating, and tbh a little scary. I don't know who I am, really. All the little pieces that make up my identity- music, hobbies, goals big and small, work- all feel very very far away from me. I'm feeling myself pulled deeper into the depths of some world that is far away from daily pitter patter of tasks, plans, and projects.
Sure, I can talk about the physical changes, (which are BONKERS, yes) but what we need more conversation around is this spiritual transformation of pregnancy that FOR SURE happens before the birth portal opens, even though labor and birth is the 'rite of passage' that gets all the attention.
Right now I hate social media. I can't keep up. I can't see the point. I can't believe it's necessary for my businesses to thrive.
Right now I only want to be feeling the changing seasons, drinking river water, and being attentive to the deep mystery of my growing baby.
I knew to expect this conflict of capitalism and parenthood, I just didn't know exactly how it would manifest and transpire once I became a parent.
It's the fourth full moon 🌕 of my ten moons with this baby growing, and I am seriously feeling my heightened sensitivity, my openness and spiritual delicacy. I don't know much about my baby, except for how much they are changing me.
This is the transformation, as I'm finding out.
