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Marry Ukrainian Woman, Los Angeles, CA (2025)

01/19/2021

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4 Ways to Overcome Insecurity in Romantic Relationships
THE BASICS
Why Relationships Matter
Find a therapist to strengthen relationships
Anxiety and insecurity are potent, defeating forces in romantic relationships. They have the power to undermine or entirely thwart developing true emotional intimacy with your partner. If you can’t be at ease with yourself and your partner then it becomes hard to be yourself. You second guess, and doubt yourself. You are self-critical. You become paranoid about your partner, and what they may or may not be doing. Conflict abounds and closeness evaporates.

Unfortunately, for some the moment they fall in love is the moment this anxiety goes into full effect. You want the euphoric feelings of love to continue and you feel vulnerable knowing that you can’t fully control the person you’re in love with. You are entirely invested and at the same time afraid, if not terrified, of the relationship not working out. Instead of directly addressing these feelings, you walk around in a hypervigilant state— waiting for the other shoe to drop and in this process, you bring less and less of your authentic self to the relationship.

Some reenact this pattern over and over again bringing themselves further and further away from what they truly crave— a relationship where they feel safe and loved for their real self.

Here are four ways to get out of this toxic pattern and find the path to an emotionally secure partnership:

1. Build in Rituals of Attachment: There is perhaps no better way to fight the impact of conflict, jealousy, and anxiety in relationships than to simply add more positive experiences together. Even when you have rough spots, you will remain connected through these experiences. When the bank is full of good experiences the hardships aren’t as hard and you don’t experience a deficit. Start developing daily rituals that help you to feel close and connected to your partner. Good examples include regular physical touch, even hugging and handholding, exercise, and creating hobbies you engage together, such as cooking, reading the same book and discussing, going to concerts, travel, movies, art museums etc.

2. Decrease “Fight or Flight:” Anxiety is first and foremost a physical feeling. You feel on edge, keyed up, thoughts racing, heart beating fast, hard to relax or to feel at ease. The physical feelings are related to worry thoughts, what if thoughts, paranoid thoughts . . . “Why hasn’t he called?” “He’s probably with someone else,” “She doesn’t want to be with me anymore,” “What if he doesn’t like me as much as I like him” . . . It is essential that you develop a daily habit for yourself to take the edge off and gain control of the onslaught of worried thoughts and physiological arousal. One basic and extremely effective way to do this is to meditate for 10 minutes every day. All this means is sit quietly, set a timer on your phone for 10 minutes, and breathe in and out. Each time your thoughts drift, gently redirect your attention back to the breathing sensation or of your chest rising and falling with each breath.

3. Increase Self-Esteem: As hard as it is to tolerate, you will become liberated from romantic insecurity as you accept that this relationship may or may not work out and that you will be okay. You can have a happy life regardless of what happens with your partner. To this end, work on building up your life separate from your partner— your career/school ambitions, your friendships, your positive activities and experiences. Work to notice your internal critic, that little voice in your head that is doubting you, making you question yourself, or is downright bashing you for every little perceived flaw or inadequacy. Learn to train the voice in your head to be on your team, to take care of you, to help you feel better not worse about yourself, to accept yourself— flaws and all.

4. Open Communication: Anxiety thrives in an environment of low communication. Instead of turning to your partner, you internalize your fears or worries. As a result, you don’t get any new data to help you to make sense of these concerns or even to alleviate them entirely. Learn to own your fears and to directly voice them to your partner. This is the only way to discover if your partner can soothe you and help you to feel better or if you just walk away feeling worse. If it is the latter then you might be signing up for a life time of unease, lack of intimacy, and a feeling that you are perpetually on egg shells. Even if it means ending this relationship, it is worth waiting to find the person with whom you feel at peace and loved for your true self. For more strategies on healthy attachment, check out my book Toxic Love.

full article and more here - https://www.psychologytoday.com/.../4-ways-overcome...

12/20/2020

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The five forms of unrequited love and six steps to recovery.

Unrequited love is a universal experience which has been acknowledged and written about by poets for centuries. It has also been researched by social scientists. Roughly 98 percent of the population has been on either one or both sides of an unrequited love (Baumeister, 1993). In the simplest terms, unrequited love is any love that is not returned to the same degree with which it is given. Not surprisingly, it is particularly prevalent among the young. For college and high school students, unrequited love is four times more common than reciprocal love (Bringle, 2013). To better understand how this type of relationship develops, Bringle and associates identified five basic forms of unrequited love.

1. A crush on someone who is unavailable.

“I have to admit, an unrequited love is so much better than a real one. I mean, it's perfect... As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential.” ― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever (2004).

This form of love is most often a crush on a movie star, professional athlete, or anyone in the limelight but not personally known by the infatuated.

2. A crush on someone nearby, without ever trying to initiate a romantic relationship.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” ― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma (1973).

There may be a variety of reasons for the infatuated person to not express their feelings or attempt to initiate a romantic relationship. The reasons, justified or not, do not change the experience of frustration due to unreturned love. A current example is seen in the contemporary Netflix series S*x Education, in which 16-year-old Otis falls in love with his high-school friend, Mauve, but never reveals his feelings to her.

3. Pursuing someone you’ve fallen in love with, in spite of their having rejected you as a romantic partner.

“Love Jo all your days, if you choose, but don't let it spoil you, for it's wicked to throw away so many good gifts because you can't have the one you want.” ― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women (1868).

This quote was taken from the classic novel, Little Women, in which Amy March advises family friend Lawrence (“Laurie”) about his unrequited love for her sister, Jo, to whom Lawrence has proposed marriage but been turned down.

4. Longing for a past lover.

“Is it too late to tell you that …Everything means nothing if I can’t have you.” — Shawn Mendes (2019).

An individual might experience this type of frustrated love after a breakup even if they know that the other person wasn’t a good match for them. Anthropologist Helen Fisher notes that one might be more attracted to a person who has left them. She calls this “frustration attraction” and associates it with continuing to pursue a relationship that has already ended. She has determined that being in love triggers the release of neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine. Simply looking at a photo of the beloved may trigger a similar release of dopamine, which is associated with pleasure (Fisher, 2004).

5. An unequal love relationship in which the partners stay together but love to different degrees or for different outcomes.

“It is a strange thing, this love of ours. Not strictly unrequited – for I know you still have love for me. But it is unbalanced. Unequal perhaps…un-something certainly. I suppose if nothing else, it is, without question…unending.” – Ranata Suzuki

This quote represents a poetic example of love to different degrees, best described as unequal. Love for different outcomes may include a couple that makes a commitment based upon one feeling infatuated love, while the other feels the fulfillment of a need for security and stability. Maybe she simply wants to be in a relationship while he can’t imagine life without her. Or he wants a “good mother” for his children, while she idealizes him as her “perfect soulmate."

How to Recover from Unrequited Love

The first steps in coping with the frustration of unrequited love involve asking yourself a few questions to gain self-awareness.

1. “Is this a pattern for me? Has this happened multiple times within a few years? Is this the only type of love relationship I’ve experienced during adult years?” If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, then it is to your advantage to understand why you are repeating this type of relationship. Unrequited love is “less emotionally intense than equal love” in all the positive ways, yet involves as much or more emotional turmoil (Bringle, 2013). In other words, it is characterized by all of the lows and fewer of the highs when compared to mutual love.

2. “How does this love serve me?” “Am I avoiding the risk of rejection that comes with mutual love?” For some individuals who repeatedly experience unrequited love, self-esteem is suffering in a way that leads the person to feel essentially unlovable. Staying in a relationship in which the affection isn’t returned confirms the false belief that one is unlovable.

The next steps are directed at self-compassion. Whether or not you see a repetitive pattern, you are likely having a difficult time and putting a lot of your energy into thinking about someone else, rather than your own well-being.

3. Shift your thoughts and your behavior away from the pursuit of the unattainable person. As noted by Fisher, those whose love is not reciprocated experience craving, tolerance, withdrawal, and relapse, similar to the experiences of those with other addictive behaviors (Fisher, 2015). Recognize the addictive nature of your pursuit, and disengage from that behavior. This likely includes NOT following them on social media and not responding to their posts.

4. Don’t start new romantic relationships until you’ve recovered from the unrequited love relationship. As with any life adjustment, this may take a minimum of six months, and maybe significantly longer. In the meanwhile, build upon relationships with current friends, family, or others in the community. Getting involved with community service is an effective way to decrease self-focus and to meet the emotional need for belonging.

Finally, consider the following ways to protect yourself from a repeat of this unhappy and frustrating experience.

5. If you are not recovering on your own, see a therapist who can be helpful in getting you through this and preventing a reoccurrence. If you are dealing with a history of childhood neglect or abuse, then you’ll likely need professional help to work through those painful experiences. Early attachment trauma is a common cause for seeking out a “fantasy bond” with an unattainable person (Mellody, 2003).

6. Try to accept the other person as they are, and that they are unable to feel the same type of attraction that you feel for them. The individuals who have done the rejecting often feel at least as badly as those they’ve rejected. In many cases, they also experience frustration, as well as guilt and anxiety over the situation in which they have no control (Baumeister, 1992).

Concluding thoughts

Individuals dealing with this situation can recover through gaining self-awareness, building self-compassion along with self-restraint, and seeking professional help if needed. Sometimes the pattern is repetitive and even addictive, requiring more effort to overcome. But the reward for such effort is the opportunity to experience greater self-acceptance as well as mutual love.

full article and more here - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/202003/unrequited-love?collection=1154260

12/01/2020

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Is Your Relationship Headed for Marriage?

When you look into your relationship’s future, what do you see? It’s hard to know. But you wonder nonetheless… where's this going? Do we have a future together? Is this the person I’m going to marry? Even if you haven’t pondered these questions yourself, a friend or family member has asked, “Are you guys ever getting married?” (I know my Grandma wasn't shy about asking.)

Sometimes you just really don’t know. Sure, you could see yourself getting married, but you could also see the relationship fizzling out. Knowing for sure is hard, so learning about any potential sources of insight is helpful. Well, new research in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships by Christopher Maniotes, Brian Ogolsky, and Jennifer Hardesty from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign shows how ordinary experiences like rituals could provide a deceptively simple way to peek into your relationship’s future.

Rituals are festivities and holidays that couples celebrate together. They can include partners’ birthdays, the couple’s anniversaries, rites of passage (moving in or out, attending weddings and funerals), religious holidays (e.g., Christmas, Easter), or other holidays (e.g., Thanksgiving, New Years, 4th of July). Customs and traditions surrounding these events are potential relationship stressors that encourage conflict, but may also be facilitators that bring partners closer together. Specifically, researchers focused on commitment to wed, or the extent to which participants thought it was likely that they would eventually marry their partner (Surra & Hughes, 1997).

How They Did It

To study this, researchers used in-depth qualitative data from 24 couples who had been in a relationship for an average of 2.5 years. Researchers conducted initial 1-3 hour face-to-face interviews, then tracked participants over the next 7 months, checking in briefly each month. Finally, 1-3 months later, the researchers did another in-depth interview. At each interview, participants also graphed their chance of marriage (e.g., 50%, 75%, 100%) over time, along with any events that caused the chances to shift upward or downward.

What They Found

The researchers analyzed the interviews to extract common themes. Generally, they found that rituals acted as a magnifying glass that amplified relationship dynamics in three key areas: family interactions, conflict management, and relationship awareness.

Family Interactions. Rituals often involve a strong family component. That can be helpful when family rituals model positive aspects of relationships (e.g., showing how partners handle each other’s idiosyncrasies), or when family members provide helpful relationship advice (e.g., don’t go to bed angry). Family rituals also give valued members of the family a chance to give the relationship their blessing. As one participant explained, “We went to a wedding up there and his family accepted me more as a family member now instead of just [his] girlfriend.” Feeling like you’re part of the family is comforting.

However, family interactions aren’t always positive. When the family traditions are unfamiliar, or family members treat a holiday differently, it can create distance. For example, as one participant explained, “My family’s real close, and Christmas is a real sentimental time. His family is real spread out, it’s more of a time to do a lot of drinking, to joke around a lot and just very different, and I was feeling very isolated.” These events also provide more “behind the scenes” information that can give greater insight into family dynamics. For example, a participant described how a Christmas celebration revealed awkwardness and tension between her and her partner’s mother that she previously hadn’t noticed.

Conflict Management. Though it may seem like experiencing conflict around rituals could only hurt the relationship, it may actually help. As the researchers said, “Managing conflict and seeing it as surmountable reinvigorated the relationship.” One participant described how talking things out after a fight around Valentine’s Day reaffirmed his feelings. Another described how time away from each other over Christmas gave the couple a chance to pause and take stock of the relationship. In each case, couples leveraged conflict to enhance communication and increase commitment to wed.

Rituals can also create harmful conflict, especially when celebrations don’t go according to plan. As the researchers describe, “birthdays and holidays often have a prescribed structure to them that when altered can exacerbate concerns and create an element of uncertainty.” That uncertainty can fuel conflict and undermine faith in the relationship’s future. Getting into a fight near an anniversary, or during what should be a happy event (e.g., New Year’s) upsets the predictability that the ritual would normally provide, robbing the couple of a good experience and replacing it with disharmony.

Relationship Awareness. Participants’ interviews also made it clear that rituals prompted individuals to ponder the state of their relationship and its future. Attending weddings was an especially effective way to heighten relationship awareness. When you attend someone else’s wedding, it’s difficult not to envision the same for yourself, which seemed to increase individuals' commitment to wed.

Anniversaries can also serve as a launchpad that propels couples toward marriage. One participant said, “I realized that we were making it further than 9 months ... I could tell that ... we weren’t gonna just break up right after April. It gave me a lot of ... hope.” Similarly, another mentioned, “Then on February fourth we went ahead and celebrated our two-year anniversary. ... We’d been together for two years and so we could probably make it and everything.” In contrast to family interactions and conflict management, participants only reported rituals having a positive impact on committment to wed.

Take Home

Ultimately, there are lots of ways to gather information about your relationship’s future. A Christmas celebration, a birthday, or an anniversary isn’t guaranteed to make your relationship better or worse. Rather, they provide a new context that’s outside of your typical routine, and along with that, challenges that you need to navigate. Can you get along with your partner’s mom? Will the family like you? Will you feel comfortable? What if your plans for their birthday bomb?

If you successfully deal with these potential obstacles, it can boost your confidence in the relationship’s future and pave the way to marriage. But, if you struggle and rituals create added friction within the relationship, it may result in a return to singlehood. As the authors conclude, “…rituals provide a preview to what lies ahead.” We all want to figure out where our relationship is going, and this research shows how rituals provide us with diagnostic information about our relationship’s future, by giving us a glimpse of what’s to come.

full article and more here - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-relationships/202010/is-your-relationship-headed-marriage

11/22/2020

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How the Pandemic Is Affecting Dating Attitudes

Did people get more or less serious about dating?

In my previous article, I detailed how existential angst can cause people to re-evaluate their priorities in life. The pandemic literally has people thinking about life and death on a regular basis, and this causes people to reflect on what gives their lives meaning – reflection that could make people prioritize the search for a serious relationship. The data suggest that this trend did occur, with 53% of dating app users reporting that they had gotten more serious about their search for a relationship since the pandemic started.

Many singles also re-prioritized what they’re seeking in a mate. About 45% said they were putting less emphasis on physical attraction than they were prior to the pandemic. This could help people find partners more suitable for long-term relationships. While physical chemistry is important, physical attraction is only one piece of the puzzle — a piece often over-emphasized in online dating, despite its relatively lesser importance in overall long-term relationship satisfaction.

About half of survey respondents said that the pandemic was causing them to re-evaluate their dating checklist (52%) and to be open to a wider range of potential partners (59%). This change in attitude also has the potential to help people meet more appropriate matches. Research on online dating shows that we often search for objective criteria (e.g., education level, specific physical characteristics), even though these qualities are not good predictors of how successful the relationship will be. Perhaps broadening our search could lead us to meet people we’re highly compatible with, even if they don’t check all of our boxes.

Did being forced to date more slowly increase the development of intimacy?

With opportunities to get together in person greatly reduced, daters needed to slow down. As I discussed here, online communication can sometimes create a “strangers on a train” phenomenon, in which people disclose intimate details about their lives to strangers much more quickly than they normally would. This fast-track self-disclosure can cause relationships to become emotionally intimate more quickly.

The data suggest that many singles engaged in behaviors that could help them develop closer connections with potential partners: 63% reported spending more time getting to know potential partners, and 69% reported being more honest. Despite that, only 43% said they had a meaningful connection with a recent match. However, a sizable minority of singles didn't take this as an opportunity to connect more deeply with potential matches. And although it wasn't asked on the survey, it is possible that some of them felt less connected to their matches knowing that opportunities for in-person meetings were more limited.

Slowing down the courtship process could mitigate some of the problems with online dating. Studies have shown that when daters go through large numbers of profiles, they pay less attention to each individual potential match, resulting in poor choices. Viewing larger numbers of matches at once also can cause daters to enter a “rejection mindset,” in which they become choosier as they go through photo after photo. Nonetheless, even in a slower-paced dating environment, the pressure to turn relationships romantic quickly still exists and makes it more difficult for relationships to develop slowly from friendship, as they often do offline.

Did people reach out to ex-partners during the lockdown?

I speculated that there are many reasons why people might want to reconnect with an ex-partner during the lockdown. The new data suggests that this was a significant trend: A full 25% of singles surveyed reported that an ex contacted them during the pandemic, and 10% actually ended up rekindling an old relationship.

This data provide a fascinating glimpse of how the pandemic is affecting dating. If the more serious mindset that many daters have entered lasts or causes them to enter a lasting relationship in the near future, it could have a dramatic effect on the dating landscape. The bigger question is whether these new attitudes will last once the crisis is over.

In Part 2 of this series, I discuss how singles feel about virtual dates and health and safety concerns as they resume in-person dating.

full article and others here - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/202010/how-the-pandemic-is-affecting-dating-attitudes

11/07/2020

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Go Away but Don’t Leave Me
What causes people to act in emotionally reactive ways?
There are people who are able to stay calm under stress. When their partners react to them with anger and blame, they are less likely to take those attacks personally and more able to successfully resolve the situation.
But the capability to stay centered and non-reactive when emotionally distressed is not easy for everyone. If a person is emotionally fragile, he or she may have more difficulty holding on to mental balance when triggered.
Everyone can have occasional, irrational outbursts if facing multiple stressors or overwhelming life events. Most relationship partners are able to reconcile those events once the negative interactions cease. But if one or both partners exhibit repeated, prolonged, and intense reactivity, the relationship may eventually crumble under that weight.
Emotionally reactive people rarely intend the harm and confusion they cause. When their discomfort ceases, they are often remorseful and sincere in their desires to make things better. Their partners are usually very forgiving in the early stages of the relationship, but wear down over time. They tell me that they feel, during an episode, simultaneously pulled in and pushed away. When they try to help, they are rejected. If they disconnect, they are accused of abandonment, unable to stop the emotional cascade, no matter what they do.
It is far too easy to lay all of the blame for these sad encounters on the emotional reactors. But when they repeat over and over again, it is important to remember that there are two people involved, and both must be ready to recognize and understand the part they each play in order to stop the downward spiral.
What Causes People to Act in Emotionally Reactive Ways?
Some emotionally reactive behavior is caused by a lifelong personality disorder. People who suffer such a malady are at the mercy of their responses to the fear of rejection or abandonment. They may need special treatment outside of their relationships.
However, when we investigate beyond that diagnosis, we often find many other crucial factors that drive people to react in exaggerated ways when they are under stress.
Are You an Emotional Reactor?
If you are the person who loves your partner deeply but pushes him or her away when you are fighting, err in the direction of self-compassion rather than seeing yourself as a terrible person. Unless you are in the small percentage of emotional reactors who want to hurt others, you are suffering both your own distress and the pain you are causing to your partner.
You can learn to anticipate and change your emotional reactivity when you understand and heal what may be driving it. You can hold onto your ability to feel deeply without pushing your partner away when you most need to be close.
Most emotionally reactive people are driven by one or more of the following internal thoughts and feelings. As you go through them, you may be more able to get in touch with what you are feeling when your emotional reactions get the best of you.
1. Insecurity and Self-Doubt
“I know you’re going to leave me someday. Everyone does. Maybe I’m just pushing you away because, at least, I’ll be in control of when it happens.”
“What if I’m just not lovable?”
“You’ll never be able to love me enough.”
“When I’m angry at you, I don’t care, and I don’t feel so worthless.”
“You probably don’t think I’m worth it.”
2. Injustice
“It’s not fair that you get what you want out of our relationship and I never do.”
“You’re like everyone who just wants to use me.”
“How come you get to be mad or mean or push me away, but, if I do, you’ll dump me.”
“No matter how much I try, you’re never going to be fair.”
“Just because I lose it once in a while, you should love me for the good parts and let the rest just go.”
3. Justification
“I do everything I can to make things work and finally I just can’t hold it in anymore.”
“It’s my chance to get back at you for everything you’ve done to hurt me.”
“If you cared for me the way I deserve, I’d never be this mad at you.”
“What do you expect me to do, never complain or blame you for anything?
“You’re the one who gets me to do this. It’s not my fault. You push me until I have to get back at you.”
4. Internal Anguish
“I hurt so much inside, all the time. I try to open up, but I know I’ll be hurt again.”
“I can’t seem to let go of the past. I just know nothing is ever going to work out.”
“I know I’m self-sabotaging, but I can’t help it.”
“I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask?”
“No one understands how afraid I am. I’ve been so hurt, so many times. No one will ever understand.”
5. Self-Righteousness
“If someone hurts me, I double-down. That’s the only way I can be.”
“I’m just a person who is passionate about everything. If you want the good side of that, then get ready for the hard parts. They go together.”
“If you don’t like what comes out of me when I’m mad, then you need to work on your reaction. I’m worth every bit of it.”
“I’m an easy person to get along with if you’d just learn how to handle me.”
“When I’m losing it, I’m losing it, period. Just get it that it’s legitimate.”
6. Self-fulfilling prophecies
“I know it’s only a matter of time that my temper will push you away. Might as well get it over with.”
“You only remember the times I can’t control my anger. So, just say it. I’m not worth it. It’s always going to be that way.”
“People like me always lose out. It will never matter how much I bring to the table because it will never be enough.”
“Relationships just cost more than I can afford. I’ll never fit or do it right.”
“Pain and love always go together for me. It’s only a matter of time when the bad stuff wins.”
The Partners of Emotionally Reactive People
It is crucial that the partners of emotionally reactive people identify and understand what part they may play in these destructive interactions. A relationship cannot heal without both partners changing their own behaviors.
Those whom I’ve worked with fall along a wide spectrum. Some still love their partners deeply and don’t want to leave them. Some may be consciously or unconsciously pushing the triggers, perhaps to avoid their own issues. Others feel responsible, as if they are the ones causing the outbursts, and come to deeply doubt themselves. Some have their own childhood traumas that leave them believing that love and pain go together, and find them both again in these painful dramas.
If you are in love with an emotional reactor, and want to heal your relationship, please understand that it is easier for you to be yourself than it would be to be your partner. That will help you maintain compassion as you do your part to change your side of the interaction.
Here are some guidelines for both of you to follow. They are over-simplifications but may help you get started in a new direction:
Learn what triggers your emotionally-reactive partner so that you can learn different ways to approach situations.
Make a plan together as to what your partner needs you to do at those times that might help calm the situation down.
Do not try to suppress or calm a person in the middle of an emotional reaction. Instead, try to listen without taking his or her behavior personally or becoming defensive.
Gently remind them of the plans you’ve made together early in the interaction.
When things calm down, debrief together as to how both of you could have handled it differently and will in the future.
Occasional dramatic interactions that are painful to one or both partners can be offset by healing and positive moments in between. But if they are continuous and prolonged, they will undermine and potentially destroy any relationship.
Both partners caught up in these exchanges must look at themselves and whether or not they have been in these kinds of relationships before, or if this is the first time they have experienced these anguishing interactions in a relationship. They must be accountable for whatever part they play in them, and do whatever they can to stop their ends of the repeated heartbreaks.
Also, there are times when both partners can be equally emotionally reactive. Though not as common, those relationships are intensely volatile, can do much harm to both partners, and typically end with emotional or physical damage.
full article here - https://www.psychologytoday.com/.../go-away-don-t-leave-me

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