Hollis Counseling Services

07/22/2023

Dr. Donald Baucom, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, studied marital expectations for a decade. He found that people get what they expect. People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

Learn more about The Truth About Expectations in Relationships from Dr. John Gottman here: https://bit.ly/46Ij9gw

07/20/2023

Sometimes when people feel disconnected from their emotions, it's harder to connect with others. It can be a survival response that has developed over time, like having a shield around their feelings to stay safe.

And it's also important to understand that having that shield can make it difficult to have strong and happy relationships with others. To make things better, we need to understand why we built that shield in the first place and take actions to change it.

Learn more here: https://bit.ly/3rCXGFJ

09/14/2022

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09/13/2022

Absolutely love this and feel it's a reminder I always need.
❤❤❤
via Robinson - Raising Yourself

07/12/2021

You don't have to wait for weekends or vacations to have fun with your loved one.

A little creativity can go a long way in finding ways to bring amusement into daily activities. When was the last time you sent your partner a flirty text during the workday? Next time you sit down to discuss your budget, why not do so at your favorite coffee spot?

Gottman Certified Therapist Dr. Laura Silverstein of Main Line Counseling Partners gives you steps to make your everyday life more playful on the Gottman Relationship Blog: https://bit.ly/3yIFf0E

07/04/2021

Dear Mum and Dad,

Please stick with me.

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.

But here's what i want my parents to know..

My brain is not yet fully developed

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math test doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things.

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.

Please stick with me.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.

You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.

Please stick with me.
......

Here’s what you can do for me

1. Model adulting.
I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.

2. Let me figure things out for myself.

If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.

3. Tell me about you.

I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.

4. Help me with perspective.

Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.

5. Keep me safe.

Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.

6. Be kind.

I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.

7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.

Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.

One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.

and.. Please stick with me.

Love,

Your Teenager
....

By Helene Wingens
https://grownandflown.com/letter-from-teen-to-parents/

07/01/2021

06/16/2021

Building a life together is about turning “me” into “we.”

The newest Gottman Relationship Coach helps you pursue life dreams with your partner, build trust, and fan the flames of romance with fun and adventure.

With more than four decades of research into relationship success, Drs. John and Julie Gottman give you the essential tools for happily ever after. Start Building a Life Together today: https://bit.ly/3pUxdi5

06/13/2021

~KaT

06/09/2021

One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is the gift of feeling seen and heard. ⁠

Imagine this scenario. Your partner comes home after having coffee with an old friend. Deflated from what they thought would be an energizing visit, they share their feelings with you. "Coffee was a bust! I know it's been some time since we caught up, but they didn't let me get a word in the entire time. I'm so drained. I need a big hug." Without even looking up from your phone, you immediately reply, "You should just stop hanging out with them. Problem solved!"

Let's try that again. Instead of trying to problem-solve for your partner, what if you turned towards them with compassion and mindfulness. "Wow, I'm sorry to hear coffee didn't go as you had hoped. I know finally catching up with friends means a lot to you. Big hug, incoming!"

By validating your parter's feelings and giving them your full attention, you can express empathy and show your partner that they're seen and heard. Practice by starting Gottman Relationship Coach today: https://bit.ly/3hgNDyW